He told me there was no OW, and I believed him for a while. But my C said that men don't leave their wives and family life to "find themselves." They usually leave because of someone else. My C said that someone, whether a classmate or a friend, gave my H enough confidence to get up and walk.
This is very true. My X gave me the same story but I found out different. Not to discount my responsibility but I can echo this poster.
Quote:
You won't heal overnight. It's a slow process, but you can feel better about yourself but you have to work at it. I still have my moments of "What if's" and "If only I would have." I'm not saying there isn't hope for your marriage. Everyone's situation is different. I'm just sharing my story with you and know that you are not alone. This BB has helped me immensely. Hang in there, and hang with us. We all know what you're going through.
I considered on replying to this tread but this poster could not have said it better. You are not alone even when you are alone.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
He told me there was no OW, and I believed him for a while. But my C said that men don't leave their wives and family life to "find themselves." They usually leave because of someone else. My C said that someone, whether a classmate or a friend, gave my H enough confidence to get up and walk.
This is very true. My X gave me the same story but I found out different. Not to discount my responsibility but I can echo this poster.
Quote:
You won't heal overnight. It's a slow process, but you can feel better about yourself but you have to work at it. I still have my moments of "What if's" and "If only I would have." I'm not saying there isn't hope for your marriage. Everyone's situation is different. I'm just sharing my story with you and know that you are not alone. This BB has helped me immensely. Hang in there, and hang with us. We all know what you're going through.
I considered on replying to this tread but this poster could not have said it better. You are not alone even when you are alone.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
Do you ever get mad... and feel resentment and maybe even hate? I do. Then I think about the families torn apart because of this war and how ungrateful it is to walk away from your own family when those men and women would do anything to be with theirs.
I think of how many people are hurting these days, and as much as I can get mad and sometimes resentful (especially when I think of how much this whole thing will complicate my boys' life journeys!), I think how I am hurting less than many people. H"s actions are frustrating and painful, but at least I'm not starving or surrounded by death or wondering if walking around -- or my loved one walking around -- will set off a bomb. I know, that's not really it, but at the same time, I think I need to keep finding those things that are good.
Doesn't mean any of that thinking is easy at times. It's like every time I wish I had more money, and I think of how much life would be easier if I just could have more than what I do, then I try to consider that comparatively, I have so much more than many others -- especially in other parts of the world. It helps to give me perspective, but that thinking doesn't take away the wish for things to be easier.
On another note -- I have decided that I'm not going to obsess over how or why H decided to move out. I might be naive, but there is no easy or obvious OW and so I'm choosing to just believe H when he says there is none. If there is or has been, there will more than enough time to deal with that later. If I'm serious about wanting to save my marriage, I need to focus on just what is happening now, where H seems to be now, and what I can do to detach enough to give H space. Focusing on whether there's another woman when I would have to do some mighty tough digging to find her -- and having many friends confirm that thought -- only distracts me from what I need to work on now, which is me and my boys and becoming the strongest, best, most fun (funnest :)) me I can be. We live in way too small a community for something to be happening openly without others seeing, so if there's an OW, she must be willing to be a huge secret - how fun is that? And if H had someone suggesting that separation is a good idea, well it doesn't help me stop enabling H's actions to take away from H his own will and choice to have followed that suggestion.
I need to let go, to not control, and to be here, in the moment, now. Giving or obsessing over outside influences will only make excuses and not allow me to stop analyzing or imposing my own picture on H -- a habit I need to break.
I'm trying to be positive; is it working? Hope your Sunday is starting off bright.
You are so right. I have so much to be thankful for.
We always joke that we're not normal. This separation has been pretty civil. We still see each other every day and spend weekends together (not nights). We still have the occasional R talk and I do believe in my heart we will come out of this okay. I'm trying to give him his space while he figures things out and while I GAL.
It's such a roller coaster of emotions that overwhelm me sometimes.
As for your sitch, I agree... don't dwell on if there is OW or not. Even if there was and he's away out of guilt and trying to figure things out, your focusing on the what if's won't do YOU any good!! You need to concentrate on fixing your marriage and making yourself happy in the process, not guessing why this has happened, but you know that.
Hope you have a great day and had a good weekend!!
Thanks, D, for the support. I have been considering not logging on to this BB so much partly b/c I find I brood on things more than actually do stuff (like GAL)! But I so enjoy reading your comments, and there are so many times when others also post helpful support, that I can't quite quit.
I hope you and your family are having a good weekend. That you and your H are so positive gives me hope. Still, doesn't it suck that it takes going through such pain to find the glory?
Ah well, I'm off today to talk financial picture with H. I'm not really excited; we never did that well when things were going good, I can only imagine what might happen today.
Ok, JustD, tell me why when we are all set and ready to do what is needed, to DB until the cows come home, we find ourselves completely doing a 0 degree -- not even one degree off the expected????
H&me had an ok financial talk -- I was calm and cool, let him do the talking (I'm usually the financial person in this family) and listened -- in general, navigated those potentially murky waters without any problems.
It was after that the problems began. I've read the book "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking about It," and I find it is really insightful. In general, it takes a larger take on the "Will this action help or hurt my goals?" question and examines how men and women process ideas, words and actions in ways that can be hurtful if not considered.
OK, so before I go to meet H, I am thinking about what I want to say to him and I'm thinking about what my motivations are and how I really should let the topic go -- something about how fearful I am about what this whole thing is doing to our second son, etc. -- b/c I am certain I'm only wanting to hurt or guilt him into saying something kind and positive -- oh, something like "Yeah, sure, I see that; let's get back together." .
Instead, what do I do after we have navigated the financial waters? I bring up this whole thing and we get into this messy discussion that only repeats old patterns and H is backing away further and further b/c he feels helpless and I'm trying to say what I want to say but instead sounding aggressive and horrible, and the topic of future comes up (oh GREAT!) and H cooly sits across from me and states how nothing that I do bothers him or concerns him b/c he doesn't care...
You get the picture: the whole thing just disintegrated. (me crying and heatedly wiping away tears in anger and H just watching me) And to make it all worse, H came by an hour later to cut my parents' grass (they live next door and are on vacation), and I don't just let it go but go out there and tell him how mad I am about all of this. He says that it isn't my fault, that it's him who wasn't good enough for the marriage, and that he left because he knew he was a lousy husband. Wonderful -- not only do I mess up any sort of "having it together" front, but he ends up taking away any argument I might have by saying it's his fault!
Argh! I want to scream and cry since I was so weak and stupid!!!! I hate how I can write and talk so calmly and together, but when I get around H I absolutely fall back into the whiny clinger that only wants him to return -- even when I KNOW that things wouldn't be good at this point.
Did I say I was abandoning this BB? Forget it! I count on you being there to confess to. I know what I need to do now: pick myself up and look towards tomorrow or the next time and being better. Still, I hate these feelings of remorse, inadequacy, and frustration. I hate that I can't just turn back things to a better time and be ready and able to head things off before we get to this point.
Aw, I'm so sorry it didn't go well. Maybe you're like me? I think I do better during the week... maybe cuz it's more structured? I can pretty much stay lovingly detached during the week. It's the weekend or close to the weekend when I end up bringing R up. I even asked again the other day if there was someone else. He still says no. So I completely understand that uncontrollable urge to talk. I get upset, too and apologize cuz I don't know how to do this!!
Like you, we have sooo much history. I can't believe that they can throw that away. I don't believe that they can. Remember... believe nothing they say and less than 50% of what they do!!
I swear you and I are so alike. I sometimes think I should not come here as much. Cuz honestly? Sometimes it brings me down, but it seems if I'm down, you give me that gentle push back upright and I try to do the same for you.
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I want to scream and cry since I was so weak and stupid!!!! I hate how I can write and talk so calmly and together, but when I get around H I absolutely fall back into the whiny clinger that only wants him to return -- even when I KNOW that things wouldn't be good at this point. 