I can relate how emotionally difficult and draining this is; however, it is essential that you get on the DB wagon immediately and utilize the tools that many successful DBers have used in getting the WAS back in the marital fold in the face of an affair (whether it is EA, PA..whatnot).
My recommendation is to check your pride at the door and drop the self-righteous indigation posturing. You are correct that you cannot control your W or her actions. HOWEVER, the success of restoring the M and DBing is based on how you handle your own actions. Like it or not, you do have a lot of influence on how to DB your marriage. For those of us who have had to endure an affair, regardless of the length and/or level of it, need to remember that it is the dopamine of the OP that is fueling their actions and emotional distance from the marriage. The chemicals from a new person is driving them at the moment and they are pretty oblivious to the damage that is happening to their marriages and families. If you try to interfere, it would only drive the WAS closer to the OP as they feel the need to defend the OP. Instead, don't even talk about the OP because it is not where you should put your energies and gives them the message that the OP is "nothing."
This isn't about SSM or lack of intimacy at the moment...it is about the potentiality of an affair that is apparently happening or brewing. Speaking from experience, an affair isn't the end of the world..although it may make you feel this way! My point here is that you can DB the affair and come out as a winner. You need not to look any further than the most successful DBers on the board: kml (aka Ellie) and Sage who are over in the Piecing forum. Sage DB'd her H who had an affair for 2 years and they continued to live under the same roof. Now they are out of the woods and Sage has a beautiful baby daughter! [do not forget Jamesjohn too!] It can happen to you...just have to brace yourself for the rough journey ahead. I kid you not: it ain't fun at all!
OT: you state...
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Yes, well, that would be the best bet, regardless of how he handles dealing with the EA. But, it is not to be, not yet. Perhaps when W is totally emotionally D and the great hope you and I BOTH see for Choc is past, he will pick up the book.
This is something I do not agree with. DBing is all about timing and this is the most critical time to go into DB mode and pick up the Divorce Remedy in addition to reading up on advice from DB vets. As long as Choc and Mrs. Choc are in the same house, the greater success of DBing the affair and restoring the marriage. Then they can work on sexual issues. That is going have to happen until the affair is truly over. Just take a look around those DBers in Piecing. Choc, you are going have to put your needs and self-righteous indigation on the back burner to put the focus on YOURSELF by presenting yourself as the best option to the OM. The tools and resources in the book and BB are all there for you to learn from.
NOP: you state...
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We have NOT encouraged him to be a doormat, or to just accept his wife's inappropriate behavior as a "matter of course".
DBing is not about being a doormat or approving an affair. But instead establishing respectful boundaries without making guilt-inducing comments. That is what drives many WASes away--making them feel guilty for their behaviors. I've read many posts by a former WAS and the key he said in getting back to the M was the fact that his wife did not make him feel guilty or harp at him for his wayward behavior. He slowly came to the realization that he was being an idiot and that the grass isn't greener on the other side. If you want to read more about this former WAH and his wife, their screen names are Ceberon and Calystra. Ceberon said that he did not want to feel close to his W because he was afraid to give her hope and felt that if he tried...then he had to change his own stance and admit that the marriage was salvagble. Many WASes who are in affairs take on the position that the marriage is beyond repair and don't even want to "work on it" because it just undermines their view. In their distorted view, the OP understands and gets them...hence their emotional shut out to the spouse because they are invested in the OP. It takes time for these WASes to come around and you are going have to be patient with Mrs. Choc who is processing her internal feelings about the marriage.
OT: states this...
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But, obsessing about the EA is NOT going to help. Trying to shame and guilt W back into the M is not going to lead to a healthy R.
This is a sound advice. Easier said than done...I know! You are going have to drop the rope and stop hinging your boat on your W. Dropping the rope means not having to react to every word or action she does. Instead, put the focus back on yourself and determine which 180s you need to make for yourself that will enhance yourself as a person. Make sure the changes are for yourself and make them permanent. Small changes are the things that the WAS notices, but does not comment on because they don't want to give you hope. They all do come around, Choc.
I've read some books that were helpful to me in the communication area and here are my suggestions:
How To Get Your Lover Back by Blase Harris The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman Everybody Wins by Gary Chapman How To Have That Difficult Conversation You've Been Avoiding by Henry Cloud and John Townsend Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshal B. Rosenberg Not "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass After the Affair by Janis Abrahms Spring Love, Honor & Forgive Bill and Pam Farrell Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley
If I were you, I'd get the following books immediately:
The Divorce Remedy by our own Michele Weiner Davis The Five Love Languages The Lost Art of Listening by Michael Nichols Not "Just Friends"
Sometimes writing scripts here [emails, planned conversations] can help a long way in restoring the marriage. Goodness knows how many times I've posted in my own thread for feedback on emails to my DXW and conversations with her. In my situation, DXW moved out and there seems to be a strong annectodal evidence that it is much more difficult to restore the marriage when the WAS moves out of the house. My advice is to do all you can to ensure that your W stays in the house...even if you have to sleep in separate bedrooms. This is to give yourself an opportunity to do 180s, mysterious stuff, and do GAL stuff! Trust me, your W will sit up and take notice of these stuff internally.
Egads!! I've written a mega post like my old darling belly dancing partner, Joe (aka Koshka over in Suriving the D).
Oh and one more thing. You asked what were the positives...here is a list:
[*]Your W is still in the house Your W is still engaging in conversations with you Did not bring up any D talk Opening up about her internal conflict with YOU Apparently has cut back on contacts with OM Admits to being confused Allowed you to spoon with her and touch her back
My point here is that you can DB the affair and come out as a winner. You need not to look any further than the most successful DBers on the board: kml (aka Ellie) and Sage who are over in the Piecing forum. Sage DB'd her H who had an affair for 2 years and they continued to live under the same roof. Now they are out of the woods and Sage has a beautiful baby daughter! [do not forget Jamesjohn too!] It can happen to you...just have to brace yourself for the rough journey ahead. I kid you not: it ain't fun at all!
