I agree that Choc is doing a lot right – I think his M has a great chance and that once his W buys back into the M, he will do wonderfully. The trick is for him to back off enough for W to get to that point.
Posters on other areas of the bulletin board are dealing with similar problems of trying to save an M in which one person has pretty much left the M. Posters in SSM are generally in Ms in which both parties are still committed to the M. Things that work wonderfully in those situations are toxic in Choc's sitch. The posters in other areas have a different perspective that comes from a lot of painful history on how to deal with a WAS. Just like people don't get what it is like to live in a SSM until they do, people don't get what will work with a WAS until they go through it. Choc needs some 2x4s of the right brand. I think Choc would get a lot of insights, understanding, and begin to develop more appreciation for where his W is and compassion for her if he would read DR and post in one of the other areas with people who are trying to let go of the old M and start a new one. People in SSM are trying to improve their Ms. Choc seems to pretty clearly be in a position of needing to let go of the old M, give his W the opportunity to want to join him in building a great new M, and then doing the tough work of building a new M. If choc's W isn't yet totally emotionally D from him, his current tactics are pushing her in that direction.
Look, if someone had a somewhat stable M that was suffering from an absence of intimacy, I'd suggest that they try posting here. The LRT, for instance, is not likely to turn a SSM into a hotbed of great sex. Suggesting Choc post elsewhere is not an insult to the wonderful caring people here. Choc is simply in a different place than they are.
I take it your last paragraph was sarcastic. Being a doormat is very unhealthy. If you read my posts to other DBers, I urge them NOT to be doormats. Walking on eggshells and being a doormat are two good ways to destroy any chance an M has. I see no reason for choc to accept his W's behavior as a matter of course. He should set a clear boundary that works for him and enforce it. Whether or not he shares that boundary with W explicitly with W is up to him. But, obsessing about the EA is NOT going to help. Trying to shame and guilt W back into the M is not going to lead to a healthy R. I have no idea what you are suggesting Choc do as far as the EA as you are making your suggestions offline, but I think a lot of the advice you give online is very helpful. Choc needs to quit needing stuff from his W and GAL in a major way.
Instead, Choc is ALL ABOUT HIS W. I can't imagine that she feels anything but smothered by his behavior right now. She can't breath, let alone get the kind of space she has been pretty darn direct about needing right now.
