Happy Together at Long Last!!!

[Rob1231]

"I agree with Scott!"

[swashy]

SWEEEEEET! heeheee.

[Jen_Jam]

hey - I agree with Scott too!!!!

Yep, i HATE being needy and desparate and clingy - so I'm going into TFM mode. What's that? You ask. It's Time For ME!!!

Easier said than done though ... so what's my first step?

Well ... today is day 1 for me of no smoking. I have my nicotine patch on, I have a cigarette sized straw I am using as a placebo ciggie (just a plain drinking straw, I like the breathing action of smoking, but I can still do that without the smoke).

Today is day 1 of TFM too ... so i'm going to take this one day at a time. Today the nice thing I am going to do for myself is .... go to the garden centre and buy myself a basil plant. In a few days my sense of tast will have improved so I can enjoy some with tomato and a bit of mozarella cheese ...yum yum!!!

[ACJ]

Your Hs smoking may be contributing to his LD. Hopefully if he manages to conquer the nicotine monster he will have more desire. Good luck to you on your own quest to quit.

[Jen_Jam]

Well ... broke my rule and had an R talk!!!! Don't scream at me

I kept it short, calm and to the point and it was well received. It went something like this:

I stated I was feeling needy and didn't like feeling that way. I asked H if he'd noticed and he hadn't.
I explained I was fearful and waiting for the next bomb but that those feelings weren't his fault and I had to work on that myself.
I asked H if he was comitted to this M and our R, with the caveat that I realised it wasn't going to be sweetness and light every day. He says he is. I believe him.
I then ended the conversation, asked H if he had anything he'd like to say. he said he realised that cuddles were important to me, less so to him, and he said he would try to give me more of them. I thanked him for that and for listening. We agreed slow and easy works best for us.

He's now gone out to the gym and to meet his brother - of course I said I was fine with that because I am. he'll be back in a few hours.

So - me getting myself into a tizz .. oh ACJ I did ask if his stopping smoking might alleviate his LD he says he is hoping it will.

I'm sorry for going off on the deep end ... been reading other posts here and see there are a lot of people in far worse sitches than mine, I feel a little like an ungrateful spoilt brat. So for now I'm quitting the analysing, kicking back and just being ... thank you all for listening to me, Mrs Panic-Wobble!!!!

[Jeff223]

I feel a little like an ungrateful spoilt brat

Don't you dare! A R is a two person play. A R must meet your desires or there is no R.

Also Jenny, you do know the difference between a "R-talk" and telling your partner how you feel. You shared your feelings with H. That is great. Your broke no rule.

You did not try to change him or the R dynamic directly. You shared; now it is up to him process your feelings.

[swashy]

I'm with Jeff! I'm certainly not in piecing...but I have to believe as the two of you re-build this R you will both need to learn how to communicate your needs better than you have in the past. Big difference Jen. That doesn't imply nagging or being needy. What you did was state how you have been feeling...and even took ownership of those feelings. Good for you! And I hope you enjoy some Basil real soon.

[Jen_Jam]

Oh Dear. Now I'm on a new part of the Piecing Rollercoaster - the one where I give up trying.
I tell H straight that i'd like more affection and i still get ignored.

So I've given up. I've told him I've given up. He asked me to tell him things straight, I did and it still has no effect.

So I've given up. If H wants this M to work then i have asked for what I want. There are a lot of things I can let go but show stoppers for me are:

1. I want hugs and kisses
2. I want to be told ILY
3. I want to ML

I am not getting a lot of these. It's up to H now. I've given up trying. If he just can't do this I will walk. I cannot live like brother and sister for the rest of my life.

I'm fed up pandering to HIS ML, to HIS depression, to HIS needs. I'm not bitter, I'm just detaching. He can take care of himself right now. I've asked for what I want, if he isn't going to give me this then I'm off. He has roughly until the end of September to make at least a couple of baby steps. After that then I'm afraid it will be too late for him. Part of me wants to go now but I've been though the bomb and I know enough now to give people a bit of time.

[Confident_Me]

Coming from a real "doofus" (according to Amy ) what immediately came to mind is THIS so I'm not sure if you have it already or know about it?

JJ, sorry to see you feeling this way about things


Have you mananged to get hold of the "suggested" book at all yet??


Chin up, this can be done


(((((JEN)))))

[ACJ]

Jen,
Your post stung a little b/c that is exactly what my H did. The difference was he didn't tell me straight what he wanted and as I was just relieved to have him home the first time I didn't feel strong enough to ask.

Now he is well and truely off in la la land. I don't want you to find yourself there it's not a very nice place.