It can be done. I think my H was exactly where you are and I was able to bring him back from the brink!!
Your situation truly gives me hope. To know that such a change is possible is nice. It really is.
But, I'm afraid my wife isn't trying very hard to bring me back from the brink. I don't think she understands how I've been feeling at all, though I have made attempts to make her understand.
I think her level of resentment towards me is quite high, though I don't fully understand it. What I do understand of her resentment leaves me feeling very much cheated...
...warning -- some venting is about to occur...
-- yes, the house is a mess, I could do more to help around here, I could take care of myself better, I could GAL (somehow without making her spend more time with the kids), I could get a higher paying job I would have had by now had I only been sufficiently ambitious, (of course, I could do that while putting in 40 hours/week or a little less, so I'm home ASAP to give her relief from the kids)...
If I do these things, then, maybe, just maybe, she'll consider having sex with me more than once this quarter. I'll be good enough for her to honor her vows. I'll be permitted to feel like a man. But, if I slip up, well, there's always next quarter -- maybe.
And, in any case, I shouldn't ever dream of sleeping in the same bed as her. That'll only give her opportunities to prove what a one-track mind I must have.
...end of venting...
I feel powerless to change her level of understanding of how I've been feeling these many years. I suppose the MC is my best chance yet. We talk "lightly" of divorce, like it is a possibility, but one that we want to avoid. I don't know if that's considered a "D"-bomb -- but, it doesn't seem to phase her.
Sometimes, I think the only thing that would wake her up is to actually file for divorce, and proceed with separation. But, that doesn't seem likely to happen until I'm to the point where I intend to follow through.
She claims her biggest grievance is that I don't do enough around that house -- cleaning-wise. Maybe I should be doing more, but I do share morning duties and take care of the kids almost all evenings and more than half the weekend, and, I don't think she gives me credit for the household help I do provide. It would be fair to doubt my version of those facts, but, really, I think this is not the real issue. And, frankly, right now I'm feeling an awful lot of resentment (sorry, but it's true), it's hard to listen to any of her demands/complaints. To the extent I have listened and acted before, it hasn't helped.
One way to move this completely off the radar is for the two of you to list out household daily/weekly/monthly responsibilities and chores and then divvy them up. Then if the whining starts, you can point to the list.
Make sure any typical "man" duties you perform are acknowledged on the list, those often go unnoticed when chore-wars are going on.
One way to move this completely off the radar is for the two of you to list out household daily/weekly/monthly responsibilities and chores and then divvy them up. Then if the whining starts, you can point to the list.
I have suggested this a few times over the years. She has been opposed to the idea. I vaguely recall the vocalized reason being that I should just see what needs to be done and do it.
But, that is a good idea. I see it needs to be done. So maybe I should just do THAT -- make a list, divvy it up, and do my half. (The kids could have items too -- and they certainly need to be pulling more of their own (light) weight!)
She can do her assigned tasks if she wants, and I can do mine without feeling like I'm just trying to conform to her idea of who I need to be in order to be worthy of her affection. That is, maybe I can GAHCH (Get A Half Clean House). If she finds me more attractive, fine. If not, well, the clean part of the house is mine
I have suggested this a few times over the years. She has been opposed to the idea. I vaguely recall the vocalized reason being that I should just see what needs to be done and do it.
That's too nebulous a standard to attain. It's jello in action and makes it impossible to ever guage with accuracy who is doing what.
I suggest you do a list of all that is done regularly and see what if anything she'll sign up for. If she refuses or procrastinates, take the list, initial those items that you do and set up the ones the kids do AND POST IT ON THE FRIDGE.
I would even make it a calendar/check it off type list so that at the end of each day you have there in front of you in black and white what you have accomplished in the household that day.
Nix the chore list. You are not two kids at summer camp.
She sounds a bit confused about what she wants, and not just cleaning house. You do one thing and she wanted you to do something else, or both, but the other first. So try just looking at the pile of things to be done and ask her what would she like you to do - not a list - just one chore. Then do it. Then repeat.
Women with little children get overwhelmed, and a lot of the feelings they have - physical problems, pain, hormone swings, post-partum depression - go away, but the mindset that ended their sex drive remains, and they don't realize it. You do something nice, and by the time it gets to their brain, it passed through all these residual filters and labeling processes that misinterpret it and store it away as something negative.
If you are going to make a list, make a list of 20 things you like for her to do for you, and have her make a list of 20 things she likes for you to do that demonstrate your affection for her. Concentrate on doing those.
