You don't have any small children with this man and he has clearly broken three rules from HJNTIY. Therefore, you are wasting the pretty. Generally it's a good idea to not have "best friends" who make you cry or share secrets with others that they keep from you. If you let your cow take care of your bunny you'll see the truth of this. You deserve much better. ((Hugs))
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I feel as though the last 9 months of MC has been a total waste Yes, like what you worked and hoped to happen was smoke and mirrors.
I want to hold on but right now I am at a very weak point in my life and don't know if I can anymore Holding on to the hope? I know it can be difficult to change directions.
It might not be much help but (((((Heywyre))))). From what I have read of what you have posted I see a good person in you.
Here is what really gets me about this. He KNEW HE WOULD GET CAUGHT, and he did it anyway. Evidently he was counting on being able to convince Heywyre that he wouldn't do it again, again.
That is an almost unimaginable level of disrespect. I see little difference in his actions and those of an abuser.
I see none of this as a weak moment, rather a fully contrived crime.
-NOPkins-
I agree.
And I so knew it. That's why I was so adamant about not letting that cell phone bill go, because that was evidence he no longer had any control to change, just hide. It is so stereotypical it hurts.
I see no reason why he doesn't already have a pay-as-you-go phone to use, to contact her in the future.
(((((Heywyre)))))
Whatever you decide, you have many friends here, who'll support you.
GEL AT LEAST HE WAS FINALLY HONEST WITH YOU Maybe he was. Maybe it was 99% of the truth. Maybe it was a lower percent, of the truth.
do you still need to see that bill or I would still want to see the bill. Seeing the bill might send the message home to think before he does some things. Free passes usually reinforce poor behaviors to continue.
There are pre-paid phone cards, pre-paid cell phones, one can use to make calls. No way of tracking those. I am not saying Mr. HW has any of those. Just saying keep an eye open for alternatives to his personal cell phone. It's HW's choice what she does.
I see no reason why he doesn't already have a pay-as-you-go phone to use, to contact her in the future. SG, we were thinking the same thing. I didn't see your post when I wrote my reply.
While we are at it I wouldn't rule out Mr. HW using the computer at work or some place other than home.
I like the ST appointment. Maybe the ST can bring out the why and how to prevent further wanderings.
No contact or move out for Mr. HW is my vote if HW wants the work on the M.
Some people don't learn to control them self till the non-cheating spouse ends the current style of the R and the cheater is forced out of the M nest.
GEL, you know more about this subject so I will trust you will be working with HW and offer better solutions than the opinions I have right now.
Here is what really gets me about this. He KNEW HE WOULD GET CAUGHT, and he did it anyway. Evidently he was counting on being able to convince Heywyre that he wouldn't do it again, again.
That is an almost unimaginable level of disrespect. I see little difference in his actions and those of an abuser.
I see none of this as a weak moment, rather a fully contrived crime.
I'm sorry Heyweyre Those were strong words from Nop but I tend to agree with them. The worst part of the whole thing is you cannot win in this situation. If you hold to your boundary and end the M because he has broken your trust Yet Again, then you may feel like you are giving up a huge part of your life that I know you cherish. BUT, if you allow the M to continue after what you have just learned, he ultimately loses more respect for YOU. I am no expert of A's but I see no reason why your H would NOT try and get away with it again. He knows you will take the "abuse." This reminds me somewhat of Heather's situation as well. If you don't maintain your own self-respect, no one else will either. Don't you deserve better than this??
I tend to agree seeing the bill at this point is pretty much useless, you know KNOW he saw her, you now KNOW he contacted her...and yes, this is a setback because he had been lying about it all along, I do know how that feels.
This isn't the end of the world though, but I believe you know that. THIS is about the stage for me when things DID begin to really turnaround, so it's up to you right now what you choose to do. If you leave, no one would blame you...you have absolute grounds, if you don't...we're behind you on that as well. I just know from my experience with my H that a similar even (with delayed honesty) was our turning point. I'm sure you DON'T have the complete truth, and you probably never will, but I think you have the important parts...if not details, can you live with the iformation you have and consider it enough of the truth to move forward...or not? Only you can answer that one. For me? I took what I knew and sat on it for a bit before making that decision and I'm glad I did.
I'm so sorry you are going through this, I'm here for ya!
Thank you SOOOOOOO much, all of you for your input, support and opinions - I truly appreciate ALL of them.
I am still not totally decided at this point as to what to do because I am still a little in shock but, in all due fairness, my gut told me something was up. Also, I don't want to make a decision based on emotion, I need to think about this logically and take it from there. However, having said that, and I know a lot of you will disagree with me on this, but I am leaning more towards giving it another go. Why in the he!! would I do that you say? Well ....
(1) This is my second marriage and I have invested almost 19 years of my life into it.
(2) We are NOT dealing with the "regular" A-type situation. We are dealing with a much deeper, complex that is psychologically based and I really don't think you can apply all the principles of DB to this scenario
(3) Since my H spoke to her and saw her, the changes in him have been over the top in progress in our R therefore I do tend to believe him when he says "all the emotion associated with that is gone". He has always had a strange way of dealing with emotions and is VERY independent and private and is trying very hard to change that - I have seen an incredible change in him over the last couple of weeks.
(4) I am not denying he lied (once again), I am not denying he deceived me but there is something between us that has changed over the last couple of weeks that I can't explain, pinpoint or put into words - and its a good thing.
I just can't throw in the towel, not yet. I don't say that won't happen down the road but in the meantime, I would appreciate your support in my decision, regardless of your personal views.
I thank you, one and all, once again for helping me get to this point and, hopefully, to continue giving me your support in saving our M.
With tears, I end this post - but they are not tears of pain, they are tears of gratefulness - thank you
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
(3) Since my H spoke to her and saw her, the changes in him have been over the top in progress in our R [..]
Ever since he saw her ... or ever since you started to put your foot down with regards to the cell phone? The two events happened in exactly the same time-frame.
I think he realized he might not be able to get you to back off this time, and that you'd find out he'd been talking to her and seeing her, and buttered you up just in case.
If he has "M/W" complex, why was there any "emotion" there to begin with? Why hand over money because "he felt sorry for the kids?"
I dunno, Heywyre. I think he's manipulating you, yet again. I'm not even sure I believe the M/W stuff. All right, I don't. I think he's an ordinary cake-eater who had a string of ordinary A's. And no, I have no psych degree whatsoever!
Of course, we will support you, no matter what you do. Good luck. You deserve all the happiness.
I appreciate your honesty SG but my H has never been one to "better me up" - what you see, is what you get pretty much.
Quote:
Ever since he saw her ... or ever since you started to put your foot down with regards to the cell phone? The two events happened in exactly the same time-frame.
He saw her almost 6 weeks ago, the cell bill incident was 2 weeks ago.
The emotion comes not from the connection with the OW but more with the kids. Any of the relationship he has had, where there were kids involved, were the hardest ones on him. His first wife and him had two kids and they divorced when they were 1 and 5 years old. It was devastating to him and he has dealt with guilt ever since. It is a long story but his X got remarried shortly after their divorce and my H tried to stay out of their lives because he thought it was best, and that's what his X wanted, so the kids could have a "new father". He continued to pay support but was really screwed up, did a lot of drugs and didn't see them as much as he should have. He regrets it now, of course, but now doesn't do much good does it? Since we have been together, he has been rebuilding his relationship with his kids and it is somewhat ok - not the best, but better than nothing. He has always had a soft spot for little kids, most likely associated with the guilt aspect of his own life and has always, as long as we have been together, given money and his heart to them.
It might sound like I am defending him, and to some degree perhaps I am. But I am also not blind to what has happened in our lives and what might still possibly happen down the road. If it happens again, you can tell me "I told you so" and I won't take offence. But, right now, is not the time for me to walk away
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
You do what you feel is right for you. If you don't feel things are over, then they aren't. It's often hard for others to watch us go through these things, they want to support you and give you strength. I too had to follow my heart and not throw in t he towel, you do what is right for you.
