Hi Choc,

I've been in a lurking mode with your thread and the locked out one (and back to 2004 when I came on the board). I am really rooting for you because I see so much hope in your situation that the possibilities are endless. I am in agreement with others that you might want to switch gears from being SSM to an active DBer. To give you a head start, here is the link to the advice from DB Veterans .

Now on to the real reason I am climbing out of my semi-retirement is your "unsent letter" to Mrs. Choc. This letter smacks of desperation, trying to put your POV on her with some "I'll be a good boy, I'm only trying my best" comments which is classified as R talk and not even respecting her email response to you. What I've learned that works best is to be succient, acknowledge the key parts, and not taking things so personally. What every DBer should be asking themselves is this: Will doing this [action/statement] bring my WAS closer to me? And drop the [i"I know what you are thinking..." [/i] byliner!! This is so presumptous and arrogant to assume that of anyone.

My suggestion is to get back to the basics: 1) Thanking the person for sharing their views 2) Acknowledge and validate their views in empathetic ways 3) Keep your communications short 4) Implement 24-hour or 72-hour rule whenever you feel the URGE to send off an email or take a drastic action.

Poor you, I am going to offer my thoughts on how you could respond to your wife's email among many others that are coming your way from all directions fast and furious! But here it is (for better or worse-- ;)):

Mrs. Choc,

I appreciate the time you took in writing your email which seems to be a difficult thing for you to do and it took a lot of courage to do this. I am glad that you were able to clear some things up in respect to the doctor visit and our discussions.

Change for many people can be challenging and I am sure for you too. It is great that you want to learn how to be more independent as a person and it seems that it could be both exciting and scary for you. Please do let me know how I can be of support to you in this journey!

In reading your email, it appears that you are feeling very conflicted about many things in your life--including our marriage. Whew...that's a lot to absorb. Again, I am available to give you my support in this area by listening to your thoughts when you are ready to talk.

You know what? I've been thinking about taking some [insert your activity of choice] classes. I've always wanted to do that...is this something you would be interested in? Perhaps we can explore this when I get back from Chicago.

Choc.

This shows Mrs. Choc several things:


[list]
[*]Acknowledges the email in an empathetic way
[*]You are not chasing her with R talk
[*]Recognizes the internal conflict she's currently experiencing
[*]Offering her support in a non-intrusive way
[*]Validates the possible internal fears about change and how to cope with them
[*]Actually listening to complaints about not having any fun anymore
[*]Being a confident H without being too needy, whiny

Choc, the one thing I've learned in this is that we are on the WAS's timetable and need to check our pride at the door. This is not about YOU, but about their internal mechanisms that are not working properly and they are on their own path in sorting out the jumbled emotions/thoughts.

I am rooting for you! You are a blessed person here on the DB in that your wife actually communicates her thoughts and feelings with you. Look at the positives---not the negatives. I see an abundance of positives in your sitch. You might want to consider changing your perception and really pay attention to the positives (and baby steps) that are happening in your sitch.

Best,
Wonka

P.S. This newfangled re-designed site has me feeling like a schoolkid having to re-learn the ABC's!