Madonna/Whore Part 3

[Heywyre]

I just hope and pray that he's innocent

I appreciate your hope and prayers but I'm sorry to say they weren't answered this time around

When I got home we sat and had some lunch and were talking basically about nothing when he said "I call the cell company today and ..." He gave me what I considered to be a lame excuse about them having a lot of problems with people scamming the system and them being involved in some law suits presently so they have had to revamp their security procedures. Now, whether this is true or not, doesn't really matter. I, for the most part, believe him because there have been some security issues and quite frankly I know their system has changed and is much more difficult to get into. But, like I said, that's water under the bridge. We talked a little more about it and I said, it had nothing to do with what I wanted to see, its HIS information and they should be providing it to him but something told me he was, once again, avoiding having to go there. I accepted the fact the information was not going to be forthcoming and he said "is this ever going to go away or are you going to obsess about it forever. I told you I would provide the information from this point forward, what else can I do?".

That's when I lost it (inside only) and calmly said "I don't know if I am ever going to be able to let it go away. You have lied about so many things that I don't know when to believe you or not. If you really wanted to get that information you know for a fact you could. But you choose to not pursue it and that just reinforces all the more inside of me that you continue to hide things from me."

He tried to reassure me that he wasn't hiding anything from me "anymore" and that he was doing his best. Then he said "I don't ever want to not be together."

So, I said, "Well then, let me tell you this. I have an incredible gut feeling and it has served me well over the years. I have yet to be wrong about it. I have asked you questions in the past, knowing the answers ahead of time and hearing lies come out of your mouth which did nothing but confirm I couldn't believe anything you said - that is what hurts the most. I am going to ask you some questions now, questions to which you don't know whether or not I know the answers to. Whether you choose to answer them honestly or not is up to you."

I then proceeded to ask the following and this is what I got:

(1) did you call her when you were in (the city) - Yes
(2) did you call her before you went up there Yes, two or three times during the month previous
(3) did you see her when you were there Yes, but I didn't go to her house, I called and said I had some time to kill and could she meet me, which she did. We talked for about 45 minutes
(4) did you give her any money and, if so, why - Yes, $600 and I know half of that is your money but I felt bad for her kids and kids have always got to me - which by the way is true
(5) have you called her since you came back No
(6) why did you call/see her when you were there I had to get it out of my system and that was the only way for me to be sure I was over it. And most of the time she was talking my mind was somewhere else and I wasn't even listening to her. You know talking on the phone is not the same as in person and I had to see her in person to see if there were any emotions still there, and there weren't.
(7) Why did you lie to me I know it was wrong, and I am sorry I hurt you but I didn't want to set you back anymore than you already were. There is this fear in me that holds me back and I can't explain it. I just want to be with you and don't want to hurt you anymore.

So there you have it. I am still numb, as you can well imagine but in some strange way the fear, hurt and emotion of it has lifted and I truly believe he told me the whole truth. That in itself is a BIG step for him. I am just hoping I can move forward at this point.

So as much as the deception was there, he did tell me the truth without me throwing the evidence in his face, that has to be worth something. Neither of us are perfect. I know I pressured him but at the same time, it was an agreement we had and he wasn't living up to his end of the bargain. However, I feel as though we have both compromised in this situation and there are no winners or losers - isn't that the way a M should be?