WAW in OC = I'm sorry to hear your situation. I know all the hurt, pain, confusion that is going on for you right now. The only advice i have is for you to LISTEN, and don't disagree with her feelings. Someone once told me ANGER and GUILT are opposing emotions. By her being ANGRY at you, she doesn't have to feel GUILTY for what she is doing to her family. Anytime you try to convince her she is wrong, the defense mechanism kicks in and you are in trouble. So listen, and try to validate her feelings when it comes to how you treated her in the marriage. As far as her affair with a 22 year old, that may just be a boundary you set in things you are willing to talk to her about. If she is like my wife, she will say the affair is not the reason she wants out of the marriage (although its the reason she won't work on the marriage now), so by standing up for yourself and letting her know calmly that you won't discuss him, she will most likely respect your wishes.
Patience - also did you post your full situation anywhere?
Husband = That is the problem in our state if she wants to buy a house I have to sign off on it. Which i don't want to do.
I guess i need to be clear about my reservations.
1. It feels like a very permanent step. And I have issues with that. (can't tell her this one)
2. She would be taking a lot of money out of our accounts, which makes it more difficult to split up later if need be. (somewhat weak argument with her, since she knows she gets half anyways)
3. If i am part owner, i have to take on the responsibility. Insurance, liability, taxes, etc are all things that i would have to be aware of since it could come to bite me later. (okay rsponse)
4. The lawyer said not to do anything major right now, and said to not buy houses during seperation. Keep the status quo. (ok, but why??)
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Her arguments are going to be:
1. We are over, and she wants a house for the kids, she doesn't want to move twice.
2. She doesn't want to wait until we are divorced to move out, so she wants to buy a house.
3. Spending money on renting is stupid when she knows we are over and she wants to buy a house.
4. moving twice means moving furntiture twice.
5. She found the perfect house and it won't be available in 10 months. (i know this is what she is thinking and the major motivator in her decision, but she won't admit to it. She has always got stuck on things and can't wait for the possibility something else will come along).
6. Whats the difference if she takes the money now or later.
So if I give her support, it means i am signing on it and pulling money out of our accounts to buy it. I need more valid reasons for being against it, since my real reason is I don't want to see her go. Hell maybe i should support her in buying the house. Sepration is not the end. And we could always sell a house.... I don't know though.
I am thinking that my response needs to be something to buy time right now:
"I know that you want to move forward in seperating our living arrangements, and I can understand why you would want to get situated in a new house instead of renting. I'm sure you have a lot of valid reasons you would want to, as you wouldn't take this decision lightly. And if you found a house you like i'm sure you are scared it will sell. Have you talked to your lawyer about it?
The reason is because when i spoke to my lawyer, she was very clear that we should not buy houses right now, she recommended keeping as much things status quo with our finances as possible, as buying a house requies both married parties to sign off and would be joint property, and joint liability. She said if one of us needed to move at this time we should rent temporarily.
Either way, its a complicated thing, and i'm not sure how i feel about it. I would have to talk to my lawyer, and i'm not sure she would even let me sign off on a new house. (her response to this would be she works for you, and I would say yes I know that, but i'm paying her to protect me right now as my emotions can easily complicate my decisions right now)
Maybe there are other options we aren't thinking about, like a 1 year lease on the house you want to buy?
Ok, i new the conversation was coming, and we just had it this morning.
I know her way too well. Basically everything i said were the reasons she wants to buy a place instead of renting.
She was very candid with me concerning why she "needs" to move into a place on her own. In her own words she basically said - she feels frustrated and in limbo, because in her mind she has moved on and has this picture she wants, but is stuck in our house. She says our house (the one she picked out and had to have) doesn't feel like home. She already has the kids beds picked out for her new place.
I told her I understood her feelings, and pretty much said what I laid out in the previous post. I am guilty for talking to much though. I need to learn how to make my comments short, sweet, and to the point.
She also said something, that i'm not sure how to decipher. She said for us to have a chance of ever getting back together she needs to do this.
Its so crazy, she knows that the reason our relationship fell apart was us not making it a priority and us not working on it. And now that I am 125% available she doesn't want to work on it, and feels like her life will be happier and more fulfilling alone. Of course there is the OM. And i know that he plays a huge role in her not wanting to work on us.
I feel like a pawn. Its like she knows i love her, so she might as well have fun with this guy and see where it takes her, and that he can make her happier. I only hope that she wakes up before my kids have to be exposed to that BS.
I am so tired, i think I am going to avoid her for a while.
Sorry Next Step, I know how bad it hurts when they move out. I could not with good conscience sign for her to get a house loan. This could really set you back financially. I believe that if she wants out so bad she will have to find a way without you co-signing. That's not to say that you will not financially support your children, I just wouldn't take on new mortgage. Sounds like you may need to get some legal advice on this matter.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Yoyo - the problem is we have the cash in the bank for her to buy one if I said okay. I would just have to sign off on it.
I don't want to be the one "to hold her back" from her fantasy, but i don't want to hurt myself financially to let her do it.
She said something interesting though, her lawyer said if she wants to get the divorce quickly to just give me 55% and take 45% and usually that makes it go quicker.. I ignored her, if we would keep our family together I would give it all away.
I know what you mean about the split. My H and I own a business. When he first left he gave me a list of how we should split assets. He said I could have house and my car, all of our checking and half of the savings. He wants all of business, his truck, both of our girls' cars, camper, boat, and jet skis, and half of savings. I told him that I did not think that was fair that everything should be split down the middle even if it meant we had to sell everything. He got mad and said I would ruin him financially if I took half the business and he couldn't continue to support the girls in the fashion they were accustomed to. He said I would ruin the girls' lives, wow, who was the one who decided that it was okay to leave the family. I told him I would gladly give up everyting to just have my family back, it wasn't about the money. To add salt to the wound his OW is his secretary. I'm sorry why would I want her having everything we have worked for. I actually don't work in the business but I am half owner.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Your husband is a fool, and is about to find out how it really works.
You are very smart for not giving in to his ridiculous request. Your lawyer will tell you that 1st thing is to get the business valuation done. Say its worth 1 million dollars, well then he needs to give you 500k in cash to buy you out of your half.
So you will get all the savings, the house, the car, and he will get the business.
If you haven't talked to a lawyer - talk to a good one now before you have any more discussion with your husband about financial split options.
He thought I would be a push-over. It's not about revenge it's about being fair. More than anything I want my marriage restored and I have told him that many times. People in the community think he has lost his mind. They can't believe he left me for her and stands to lose his business.
Oh I forgot to mention that on my list he also listed that the girls' saving accounts. Can you believe that? Those are the girls' not ours to be dividing up!
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
