Happy Together at Long Last!!!

[Jen_Jam]

OK ... long post alert after a few days of looking into myself.

I spent the start of the week in fear - fear that H would feel good about himself then decide he didn't want me anymore. When I was previously bombed H had been very down, almost depressed. If he bombed me when he was clear, calm and happy with his life I think there would be no way back.

BUT - then I thought "yes this is one possible future - what are the others?"

I hated being in fear of another bomb. I cannot live my life like that so have chosen not to. This requires work on MYSELF - there is little H can do to help me with this, this one comes from me and me alone. As Rob1231 wisely pointed out, I cannot fall into the trap of thinking each little downer is the start of another crises. A downer is just that. Only a downer. And I am well equipeed with the tools to get through it now.

I feel too that I don't listen to H properly - often I hear what I want to hear, then he tells me again a few more times and it's like something clicks and I finally "get" it. I need to work more on listening and really hearing what H is saying, and not jumping to awful conclusions. I had a course a week or so ago and it included something called "Active Listening". I have been trying to use these skills in all conversations I have right now, trying to develop the habit with everyone, not just H.

Then I got to thinking "I am taking the blame for this downner again". And H isn't blaming me, **I** am. So who's got to work on that? We used to have a horrid cycle in our R when I would approach H with somthing I didn't like (pre-bomb in a BAAAD way, I mean I was a total bee-ach!, post bomb far more calmly) then he would feel bad cos I felt bad, I would end up comforting him and telling him it didn't matter. I became resentful cos I felt I was the one with the problem first, then I was apologising to H for being upset. So - that cycle needs to be broken. I've managed it before and I will again. Last time I took the blame for all our M problems, in time I came to see that it wasn't all me, and that sometimes things just WERE, without blame, that we BOTH got things wrong. My taking all the blame led to me being depressed and having individual C, which actually was a good thing as it did bring up a lot of my self esteem issues and I feel I have the tools now to conquer that, and have done well so far on that.

I had approached H about his LD. I stated calmly that if nothing got done somewhere down the line I would be at risk of having an affair, and that isn't something I wanted to do. This has made H upset and I was thinking of comforting him BUT he has been trying (hading out cuddles, sending texts messsages, small things and not all I want but it's an effort so has to be applauded). So I thought "well, if I comfort him that's just going back into the old cycle". So I have decided to say no more on the LD issue. I have made my feelings quite clear, I think labouring the point would be detrimental to my goal of building intimacy.

So - that then leads me to my new DB strategy - Do Nothing. Now is the time for H to step up and I will see if he will take up the challenge. Last night I detached myself emotionally and viewed my R though very objective eyes. I decided I cannot be happy with this lack of intimacy. I have asked for what I want and I have given in my head H 3 months to show baby steps. I'm afraid that if by mid Sept this year if he has shown not one baby step then I will cut my losses. I cannot force H to change, and although I can help him by Cheerleading when he does take a baby step towards more intimacy I cannot really guide him on this. The work has to come from him, and it's up to me to create an environment where he feel comfortable to do that work. me being needy and clingy is not that environment. I have not told H about the 3 months, that would be putting pressure on him and in a way forcing him. If I get my "prize" by forcing it then it isn't worth it - I do NOT want a R where the other person feels in any way compelled to do things they really don't want to.

So - in summary I am rejecting fear, I have realised I need to listen better, I am rejecting being too hard on myself. Instead of telling myself off for getting it wrong I have decided to step back and look at how I can get things right. I have DB'ed well, and I have learned a h3ll of a lot. It's time for me to get out of my pity party and to apply those skills.

One last quote which I am remembering now - "behavioural change is a journey, not a destination." I don't know who said it, but I like it.

OK - now I'm off to get drunk. I feel stong and confident right now.