Thanks, Fearless. And trust me, I'm not sending anymore e-mails just yet. I did, in fact, WRITE the following one two days ago, but I never sent it. I may never send it, or I may send it right before I leave on my trip, I haven't decided yet. Like I said earlier this week, it is tough in my specific case, because I DON'T want to smother her, I DO need to appear more strong and more attractive and less needy/grabby, but yet AT THE SAME TIME this marriage has had a constant problem with lack of communication and lack of follow-thru.
In any event, here's the unsent letter:
Mrs. Choc.,
I know what you're thinking -- "great, another e-mail from Choc." LOL Hey, at least it's not "Earn Cash in Your Spare Time" or "Nigerian Businessman Needs to Verify Your Bank Account for Large Deposit," right?
Actually, this is not yet another in a series of heavy e-mails from me, but instead I wanted to let you know that it's the last one that I'll initiate, as I now have come to some conclusions about things, and one of them is that I need to stop pressuring you and I need to give you some time. If there's anything you'd ever like to discuss, or ask me, and you find it easier to do via e-mail, then of course I'll reply, and we still need to go to counselling to see if it will help us. I will still be your very best friend in the entire world, and you can count on me for support to the extent that I'm able to give it to you. I just mean that I'm not going to initiate any more emotional ambushes of you, either via e-mail or in person, as they're not fair, they're not productive, and they don't fit with where I need to go with my own life as "Choc".
It has been said that you can never truly have anything unless you're willing to let it go. I have SAID that I'm going to back off, but I haven't, really. I've pushed you for answers all the while saying "I don't expect any answers." I've poured out my feelings to you, when you already knew what they were anyway (I needed to tell you what I told you in my first two e-mails that started all of this, because God-only-knows what you must have thought was in my head these days, or how I felt about you) but after those, there was really nothing left to be said, and I now realize that I've only been one more needy/grabby person on your "to-do" list for the day.
How attractive!
I need to change my focus away from you, and onto myself. Because I can't change you anyway, nor should I want to. Sharing with you how I feel about you, no matter how eloquently or passionately, will not change you, and frankly working on myself is enough of a project for any one man anyway.
There are things I need to change about my life, for my own sake and for the sake of our children. I need to get it in order, for whatever the future holds for me. I need to clean it up literally (my bedroom, our house, our yard), financially, and figuratively (other issues I need to work on), and I need to begin all three right now, and in fact I've already started.
I now know that you are in the same process, and I thank you for sharing what must have been very difficult feelings with me.
It is still my hope that we can both find room in the "new and improved Choc. and Mrs. Choc." for each other as husband and wife, and that we will enjoy a long, happy life together as lovers, parents and grandparents someday. It is still my heart's wish, and it is still my daily prayer.
It's just not going to be my DAILY FOCUS anymore, as it wears me down and prevents me from embarking on the improvements that I need to make, and it applies pressure to you that isn't fair and isn't helpful.
The future will bring what it will bring, and I have to let go, and only God can catch me.
