What a good letter from your wife! A lot of information there. Listen to what she is saying about herself and her needs. IMO from the many letters I have seen from WA spouses, your wife has not clearly stated that she is done or leaving. She is being very honest with you about her confusion but that is a positive rather than a negative.
I am terrible at writing interpretations so here's what I would write to her if I was writing from your POV. Specifically I am taking your earlier e-mail and toning it back while still keeping the communication lines open. THIS IS NOT MEANT AS A LETTER TO SEND. I am just trying to capture my interpretation along with my perception of how you can respond to her with your words and actions.
Mrs Choc, Thanks for the response. I know our lives get busy at times but with everything going on I wanted to make sure there was not something more purposeful.
I was not upset about the doctor's visit; I just noticed it was a change. Thank you for explaining how you feel and about wanting some independence. I think you are a capable, smart and competent woman and you deserve to know that about yourself. If I have given you the impression that I am not IMPRESSED with your new career and that I think it is an easy job, then I have done a terrible job at expressing my admiration of you. I want you to know that I know you are working hard at this career and I respect that about you.
I also appreciate your honesty with me. Of course everything isn't just going to be fine overnight or quickly. I also agree that the "fix" needs to be a permanent fix.
I appreciate you are looking to figure out if there is something to save. I respect that you are taking this seriously.
So do I and I have made my decision. There is SOMETHING to save. I also want to make it clear that I do not believe you need to sacrifice your need for independence, a new career, and overall personal growth in order for us to fix our marriage. In fact I believe those things will go hand in hand with an improved marriage! I will also be looking at my own issues too.
Choc
FWIW if she is feeling like she wants and needs to grow up, then you need to be a support for her and NOT do things for her. I remember that issue back from the exchange about fast food. Your attitude toward her (and I really don't mean this as a criticism as you as a husband) was about telling her what she should do rather than listening to what she wanted to do. She needs to make her own decisions and own mistakes WITHIN the marriage so she does not feel she has to leave the marriage for that opportunity.
I do know it is THE key question for her right now, can she "find herself" WITHIN the marriage, or does she need to flee to find it.
I've also come to the conclusion that I can't answer that for you. So I've left HER to God (while being vigilant), and am instead working on ME and being the best person, dad, and -- to the extent that she will let me -- husband, that I can be.
ATTABOY!!! Perfect answer to that question. I am really impressed.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
