No, he kinda freaked out about it for a while after he found out he was adopted but has got over that now
And I really don't think I need to go on the Maury show (there's enough drama in my life as it is - LOL)
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Actually while I'd like to say "hound him about it", I probably wouldn't suggest that. You've told him often enough that this is important to you, he KNOWS. What I would say though is possibly something to this effect "You're showing me just how important taking care of this is to you and how important doing what it takes to make me at ease is for you by how long it takes you to take care of it. You agreed to provide this, fixing the password is nothing more than a 15-minute phone call...which you have yet to make. This is the last time I will bring this up, it's up to you, just know I won't wait for this information indefinitely...the clock is ticking, it's up to you to stop it."
Something like that...put yor spin on it of course. Hounding him about this won't help...as I already said, he's heard you. He knows this is important to you...so now it's time to remind him, this is a boundary issue that he agreed to and that it's not your responsibility to stay on him about it, it's his to do it...or it's a useless boundary.
Hounding probably wasn't the best word to use as I have never really "hounded" anyone about anything.
However, this is not over with. Like you said GEL, it was a boundary we agreed on. I have told him how important it is to me to be able to trust and that he has the "tools" necessary for me to do that, one of them being the information on that cell bill.
I am hoping I don't have to say another word to him and that he just provides it to me today, without asking/reminding again. But, if it is not forthcoming, I will say something along the lines you mentioned. Sometimes I would just like to slap him along side the head and say "don't you friggin get how important this is to me to move forward?"
However, on another note, he just called me and said "I'm just starting to realize how much I really love you".
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Not only did it make my day, it made my week, month, year?
I am very easily pleased (even my H says that)
Yes, it was VERY nice to hear those words because it makes me realize that as much as he frustrates the he!! out of me sometimes, deep down there's the very sensitive, loving, caring man that I fell in love with.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Actually while I'd like to say "hound him about it", I probably wouldn't suggest that.
Phew! I'm very glad to hear that. The last thing men want is to be hounded. If you want your man to shut down, clam up, keep to himself, then just hound him. That'll shut him up and teach him to hide for sure.
Quote:
What I would say though is possibly something to this effect "You're showing me just how important taking care of this is to you and how important doing what it takes to make me at ease is for you by how long it takes you to take care of it. You agreed to provide this, fixing the password is nothing more than a 15-minute phone call...which you have yet to make. This is the last time I will bring this up, it's up to you, just know I won't wait for this information indefinitely...the clock is ticking, it's up to you to stop it."
WHAT!!!! What the heck happened to the no hounding? You've got threats, guilt trips, controlling behaivior, and all kinds of other garbage wrapped up in that paragraph. Are you really going to live out the rest of your life allowing somebody else to have control over how you feel? Why must you give him so much power over you?
Here's what I'd do. "H, it's pretty obvious that you don't want me seeing last months bill, so fine, no problem. I'll let you off the hook for last month but could we please stay on track for the next few months so that I can just get a little more solid on my feet in terms of trusting you again. I love you and I really appreciate what we have going on right now. So what's up for dinner tonight?"
He is obviously not very interested in the cell phone bill. I know you are, it's quite obvious but it's not all about YOU! The fact that he called to say "I love you", is either a ploy to distract you, or it's genuine. So make your choice, ploy or genuine, but don't be on the fence about it. If you think it's genuine, then roll with it, breath with it, let it saturate your heart, mind and soul. Live in the moment. Let go the fear, distrust, jealousy, resentment, etc. That's YOUR baggage to let go of, and your responsibility to let go of it, not your H's.
Or if you think it is a ploy to distract you then by all means hound him into submission so that you'll feel better about knowing the truth. Honestly, from the sounds of it, it sounds like he's hiding it. Like he really does'nt want you to see it. My bet is he might of called her, but he definately did not see her. I'd put money on it.
Look, I am not saying that it was OK for him if he did speak to OW last month. I'm saying, that things are moving in the right direction for you RIGHT NOW. You recognize it yourself, the tides have turned for you. This whole cell phone bill seems like a time bomb to me, a diversion or distraction from your destiny. I'm in favor of walking around this one. Choose a different battle this time. Live and let live.
Love,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
Sure he's interested in the cell phone bill. He's interested in hiding it, for whatever reason. He's stalling. It always worked before .... he's hoping it will continue to work.
Look, I am not saying that it was OK for him if he did speak to OW last month. I'm saying, that things are moving in the right direction for you RIGHT NOW. You recognize it yourself, the tides have turned for you. This whole cell phone bill seems like a time bomb to me, a diversion or distraction from your destiny. I'm in favor of walking around this one. Choose a different battle this time. Live and let live.
The only reason things are moving in the right direction is because she's finally started to respect herself. You may think "parental" is a turn-off, but "doormat" is an even greater one, and a great indicator of future bad behaviour. He promised. End of story.
This is "imo", of course. We will support Heywyre no matter what she decides.
Once again, I disagree with you. Not going to go into a long schpeel rearding the why's and wherefore's again....it's a just simply a boundary issue, a trust issue that HE agreed to work on FOR HER. Plain and simple. His not producing is hiding it, counterproductive to the word he gave her, counterproductive to building trust. As Southerngirl already stated, the only reason they are actually making progress in their marriage NOW is because Heywyre has stepped up and challenged him.
What you are proposing allows him to get away with the same behavior he's exhibited in the past. That's not productive.
Sorry COG but I can't let this one go. To tell you the truth, I really don't care about all the other cell phone bills from this point forward because I can deal with those. It is last month's bill because he was in the city where OW lives, 5 minutes away from her house, and missing in action for close to 4 hours.
We set a boundary, we made an agreement and he needs to abide by it, period! That was a condition of us staying together and continuing to work on this M, it is something I need to move forward, and he knows that.
I would love nothing more than for him to prove me wrong by holding out, making me think there is something still going on and there isn't. But the longer he waits the more my trust goes down the drain that he is still hiding and playing games - THAT I won't tolerate
End of story!!
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
What the heck happened to the no hounding? You've got threats, guilt trips, controlling behaivior, and all kinds of other garbage wrapped up in that paragraph. Are you really going to live out the rest of your life allowing somebody else to have control over how you feel? Why must you give him so much power over you?