Dealing with remorse

[alamogirl]

Hi Anned,

I feel your pain. My H and I will be separated 1 year this 3 Jun 07. The pain is still there. Time does heal, and it's getting better but I have my days.

Sometimes, I fantasize about meeting an "angel" or someone who can give me a second chance to make things right. You don't know how many times I wish I could go back to 2004, when I graduated from college. I would have done things differently. I was so absorbed in my schoolwork. I worked full-time and went to school anyway I could get it...at night, weekends, internet, telecourse, and correspondence.

My H was not working and attending school full-time. After I graduated, I became absorbed in my new job. As a college-graduate, I was promoted to a training position. I did little to help my H around the house. I had the mentality that I worked full-time so he should take care of the bills, the dogs, the yard, etc...you get the picture. I became very complacent and took our marriage for granted. Then one day, it happened.

He told me there was no OW, and I believed him for a while. But my C said that men don't leave their wives and family life to "find themselves." They usually leave because of someone else. My C said that someone, whether a classmate or a friend, gave my H enough confidence to get up and walk.

All I can tell you is that time does heal. It's different for everybody. Do stuff with friends. Take advantage of those friends who tell you "if you need anything, just call." I don't mean it in a bad way, but keep in touch with them. Call them and make plans to meet for lunch or dinner. Get together with siblings if you have them. I no longer have my parents, otherwise, I would be right back with them ;-)...I was mamma's girl.

Stay in therapy. Counseling does help...it has helped me tremendously. I found that my situation was too fargone for DB even though I did apply the techniques. I found that even though it didn't help my marital situation, it did help me prepare to live without him. I know the whole "law of attraction" concept is old, but rediscovering it and applying the principles work. The mind is a very powerful tool. I also did a lot of praying.

You won't heal overnight. It's a slow process, but you can feel better about yourself but you have to work at it. I still have my moments of "What if's" and "If only I would have." I still love my husband very much, but I also love myself. I learned early on that you cannot control what another person thinks or feels. Obviously, my H was unhappy for a couple of years before he left. I've stopped blaming myself...I've had to learn not to blame myself. I also learned that you cannot make someone be with you when they no longer want to be with you. It's a very tough lesson to learn.

I'm not saying there isn't hope for your marriage. Everyone's situation is different. I'm just sharing my story with you and know that you are not alone. This BB has helped me immensely. Hang in there, and hang with us. We all know what you're going through.

All my best,
alamogirl