Oh D, I'm sorry about tonight. From what you describe, it doesn't necessarily sound bad. You two are so much farther along the road to reconciliation than we are -- physical touching and actually working with a MC on the R! Still, I can understand how easily the panic could come, and I wonder when or if that ever goes away now.
I know exactly what you mean about panic attacks. I don't get full blown ones, but I get that racing feeling, with the tingling skin and the flushing in the face and my heart pounding a mile a minute. (Ok, so maybe that is a full blown one ) This week, I feel like I've had them almost daily and I've woken up at 4 am twice with them -- something that hadn't happened for a few weeks now. The only good out of them, I've decided, is that they are what are revving up my metabolism again and helping me lose the 35+ pounds I've lost since January .
Today was crappy, but tonight wasn't so bad. The band concert was ok, and H sat right next to me instead of one row up and behind (0ur agreed upon "arrangement"). S1 was with us to support S2, and he and H talked music. The concert was good and for once S2 seemed happy about it. (and this is where H&me aren't where you are yet -- no way would he have even let me touch him, much less give him a kiss. I think you are very brave and doing well with kisses!)
Afterwards, the boys and I went to a HS graduation open house (HS seniors here have open houses over the two weeks before graduation) where a number of people I have known from the college were attending. Most of them are mutual friends, but things being what they are, I hadn't seen most since everything broke. The slightly unfortunate thing was that S1 went off with this friends -- juniors and seniors -- and S2 stayed with me. That was unfortunate b/c S2 listened as these friends all hugged me and voiced their sadness and support for H&me.
On the way home -- S1 stayed with friends to go to the 10pm sneak preview of Pirates of the Caribbean -- S2 and I talked in the car about the party. I said I felt blessed that H&me had so many friends who care about both of us. S2 began to cry at that point and said the reason they care is b/c they don't want us to D as much as he doesn't. First time he has said anything about what he wants since the first night when the bomb dropped. He proceeded to cry silently all the rest of the way home and then went right to bed.
H has said he wants to know about these things -- when S2 or S1 are having hard times -- so I called him and told him. I couldn't tell if he got angry or unhappy or what. He said he had to think about it and then we hung up. Did I do wrong? I'm mixed. In some ways I think a part of me told him to make him feel bad , but my conscious and most intentional part told him b/c he had asked and to let him know that S2 was beginning to show feelings in case S2 said or did anything odd. Sometimes, I wish the boys would just break doors or walls -- I think it is healthier at times.
Whew, this is long. I'll end it here. I hope that you are feeling better by the morning, and I'll try to not have a blue day either. Cheers -- A
) This week, I feel like I've had them almost daily and I've woken up at 4 am twice with them -- something that hadn't happened for a few weeks now. The only good out of them, I've decided, is that they are what are revving up my metabolism again and helping me lose the 35+ pounds I've lost since January 
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, but my conscious and most intentional part told him b/c he had asked and to let him know that S2 was beginning to show feelings in case S2 said or did anything odd. Sometimes, I wish the boys would just break doors or walls -- I think it is healthier at times.
