Happy Working out! I try to walk 2 - 4 1/2 miles most days, and so I take my cell with me and call friends. I tell them that if they stay on and talk to me as my walking buddies, they will get exercise credit for the miles . Over these past months, my sister has logged almost a whole marathon with me!
The sun has come out; maybe I will go walk and shrug off the grumps...
That's too funny about your sister. My sister is in WA and we try to talk daily, but I feel like my marriage is all consuming and since it's not happy, I don't call as often cuz I cry a lot... LOL!!
I did something bad. I think I chased. I thought I was being flirtatious so I guess I don't know the difference... is there one? See, I told you how I asked DH if he could come get 7yoDS tonight. Now, not that I don't want my DS here with me, but when he's with DH, I feel better cuz then DH is at home. Right? So I said, why can't you get him later since it's not a school night and he said he'd call. Well, I asked again at the game today and he said I must have planned this with 7yoDS cuz he said the same thing too. I swear I didn't. I told DH I wanted my goodbye kiss there (before the game) and I bit his lower lip. I left the game early so I could get 1 1/2 hours at the Y, and it was between innings, so I went up to him and told him I was leaving. He kissed me and I left. When, I got to the Y, I texted him saying "trust me, if i had a plan, it wouldn't be DS sleeping with you ;oP" He didn't respond.
On the way home, I started to have a panic attack... where I can't breathe and my heart races. Haven't had these in over 6 months... more like 9 months!! I just get so scared that it's over.
I guess one good thing was last night, I shared with him "homework" we had been given from our C. He said he didn't do his, but he had been doing his daily positive thoughts (where it gives us a positive thought and we have to put down a specific memory.) Well, again, I think it's BS cuz I still have positive memories. He said he's been doing that every day. It's a 7 week process to get your spouse to start thinking positive about you and it should eventually become a habit. I haven't done it since our last counseling session where he said if he had to do it all over again, he wouldn't marry me... that he wasn't proud of my accomplishments... he wast attracted to me... oh, it just piled on from there. Heartbreaking!! (Believe nothing they say and believe less than 50% of what they do, right?)
Well, I better get in the shower. Tomorrow's another day... let's hope it's a better one... it's surely got to be better than today, right? Have a good night.
Oh D, I'm sorry about tonight. From what you describe, it doesn't necessarily sound bad. You two are so much farther along the road to reconciliation than we are -- physical touching and actually working with a MC on the R! Still, I can understand how easily the panic could come, and I wonder when or if that ever goes away now.
I know exactly what you mean about panic attacks. I don't get full blown ones, but I get that racing feeling, with the tingling skin and the flushing in the face and my heart pounding a mile a minute. (Ok, so maybe that is a full blown one ) This week, I feel like I've had them almost daily and I've woken up at 4 am twice with them -- something that hadn't happened for a few weeks now. The only good out of them, I've decided, is that they are what are revving up my metabolism again and helping me lose the 35+ pounds I've lost since January .
Today was crappy, but tonight wasn't so bad. The band concert was ok, and H sat right next to me instead of one row up and behind (0ur agreed upon "arrangement"). S1 was with us to support S2, and he and H talked music. The concert was good and for once S2 seemed happy about it. (and this is where H&me aren't where you are yet -- no way would he have even let me touch him, much less give him a kiss. I think you are very brave and doing well with kisses!)
Afterwards, the boys and I went to a HS graduation open house (HS seniors here have open houses over the two weeks before graduation) where a number of people I have known from the college were attending. Most of them are mutual friends, but things being what they are, I hadn't seen most since everything broke. The slightly unfortunate thing was that S1 went off with this friends -- juniors and seniors -- and S2 stayed with me. That was unfortunate b/c S2 listened as these friends all hugged me and voiced their sadness and support for H&me.
On the way home -- S1 stayed with friends to go to the 10pm sneak preview of Pirates of the Caribbean -- S2 and I talked in the car about the party. I said I felt blessed that H&me had so many friends who care about both of us. S2 began to cry at that point and said the reason they care is b/c they don't want us to D as much as he doesn't. First time he has said anything about what he wants since the first night when the bomb dropped. He proceeded to cry silently all the rest of the way home and then went right to bed.
H has said he wants to know about these things -- when S2 or S1 are having hard times -- so I called him and told him. I couldn't tell if he got angry or unhappy or what. He said he had to think about it and then we hung up. Did I do wrong? I'm mixed. In some ways I think a part of me told him to make him feel bad , but my conscious and most intentional part told him b/c he had asked and to let him know that S2 was beginning to show feelings in case S2 said or did anything odd. Sometimes, I wish the boys would just break doors or walls -- I think it is healthier at times.
Whew, this is long. I'll end it here. I hope that you are feeling better by the morning, and I'll try to not have a blue day either. Cheers -- A
Yep, being able to kiss is a positive thing...but HB take heart...my H would stiffen like a board if he even thought I was going to touch or kiss him...eventually he would give me a token hug but I could tell he was doing this to keep peace and not for anything else...up until just a few weeks before we started "clicking" with each other again I had made an off-handed remark one night when we were coming home from some event that I invited him to take me too...I had a bit to drink and was feeling frisky...I asked if he would like a kiss before going and he looked at me with such disgust and said "uh, NO"...needless to say when he left I went to bed and cried myself to sleep!....But the major point is that just because your H is so anti-touch-me doesn't mean that won't change...it did with mine in a short time period...it went from no touching, to token hugs, to full on hugs, and eventually more...of course then he dropped the "I never liked kissing" on me...to my shock because he was such a good and willing kisser for the 27 years before all of this crap hit the fan!!!
Sigh...so take heart...all is not lost...just keep the patience!
I feel your pain. My H and I will be separated 1 year this 3 Jun 07. The pain is still there. Time does heal, and it's getting better but I have my days.
Sometimes, I fantasize about meeting an "angel" or someone who can give me a second chance to make things right. You don't know how many times I wish I could go back to 2004, when I graduated from college. I would have done things differently. I was so absorbed in my schoolwork. I worked full-time and went to school anyway I could get it...at night, weekends, internet, telecourse, and correspondence.
My H was not working and attending school full-time. After I graduated, I became absorbed in my new job. As a college-graduate, I was promoted to a training position. I did little to help my H around the house. I had the mentality that I worked full-time so he should take care of the bills, the dogs, the yard, etc...you get the picture. I became very complacent and took our marriage for granted. Then one day, it happened.
He told me there was no OW, and I believed him for a while. But my C said that men don't leave their wives and family life to "find themselves." They usually leave because of someone else. My C said that someone, whether a classmate or a friend, gave my H enough confidence to get up and walk.
All I can tell you is that time does heal. It's different for everybody. Do stuff with friends. Take advantage of those friends who tell you "if you need anything, just call." I don't mean it in a bad way, but keep in touch with them. Call them and make plans to meet for lunch or dinner. Get together with siblings if you have them. I no longer have my parents, otherwise, I would be right back with them ;-)...I was mamma's girl.
Stay in therapy. Counseling does help...it has helped me tremendously. I found that my situation was too fargone for DB even though I did apply the techniques. I found that even though it didn't help my marital situation, it did help me prepare to live without him. I know the whole "law of attraction" concept is old, but rediscovering it and applying the principles work. The mind is a very powerful tool. I also did a lot of praying.
You won't heal overnight. It's a slow process, but you can feel better about yourself but you have to work at it. I still have my moments of "What if's" and "If only I would have." I still love my husband very much, but I also love myself. I learned early on that you cannot control what another person thinks or feels. Obviously, my H was unhappy for a couple of years before he left. I've stopped blaming myself...I've had to learn not to blame myself. I also learned that you cannot make someone be with you when they no longer want to be with you. It's a very tough lesson to learn.
I'm not saying there isn't hope for your marriage. Everyone's situation is different. I'm just sharing my story with you and know that you are not alone. This BB has helped me immensely. Hang in there, and hang with us. We all know what you're going through.
All my best, alamogirl
Me - 48 (at time of 1st bomb) H - 43 married - 16 Jul 94 no children 1st bomb - (said he was leaving) - 3 Jun 06 2nd bomb (said he was ready to file) - 10 Nov 06 H filed divorce - 17 Nov 06 Divorce finalized - 20 Jul 07
Alamo & Lin -- your posts make me cry this morning. I think the thing about this BB is how much everyone can care for who are really just strangers.
H and I just now when he came to pick up S1 talked briefly about S2's response last night. I don't know if I did the right or wrong thing to tell H that S2 was so unhappy; what I did was do what H asked me to which was to keep him informed. I could tell this morning that H is hurt and he said he's mystified about S2's inconsistency -- S2 will be sad and angry with me but only happy and upbeat with H. I made a point of letting H know that when S2 and I talked about our sich -- which doesn't happen often -- I am very sure to not vilify H's actions nor to commit to any particular outcome. I just try to reassure S2 that he will always be loved by H&me and that we are both working on who we are so the outcome can be mutually decided - that no one is just walking away from the other.
I wanted to tell H that just b/c S1 has the same emotional control and seemingly blase attitude, that it doesn't mean that H's actions haven't absolutely shook all of us and that S2 is only expressing what everyone's feeling ... but I didn't. I know it won't help anything to add blame to this, and I'm already worried that telling him as much as I did has opened up room for shame/guilt resentment.
I hope that time will give us back what we had in terms of easy physical connection (not saying we had a great sex life, but we could easily touch and kiss -- even after we had been married 15y, people said we acted like we were on our honeymoon). I fear that like your case Alamogirl we might be too far for DB; it is H's reserve and the depth of his shame/guilt that makes me think he might not even allow himself to relove. Still, Lin, your story gives me hope. And yes, in the end, it comes to me finding me and getting my own strength and self-esteem back (and fun Justd!). I know that I am growing even in the midst of pain; I just wish I could blame the growing pains on puberty like the first time .
I've wondered if I am spending too much time reading these boards, but I know that the support is incredibly helpful right now. You all are great!
The day has started with the sun, so I hope it is going to be a good one.
I'll let you know the result later - Cheers - Anne
Okay, so DH never came to get DS last night. He called at 11, but we were already asleep. I told him it was his call and he said he'd be by this morning. He came by at 7:30. He left at 9 to go rent the apt. I asked if he was sure it's what he wanted to do and he said yes. I asked if this was still temporary and he said yes. I asked if he was getting a phone hooked up and he said no, no one calls him anyway. Maybe I should call more? Just kidding!!
I asked if he got my text last night and he said no. I sent it to him again and again until we figured out he didn't have room and I had to delete most everything.
I asked how dinner went and said that I didn't know that Mrs. J (he works with and is friends with Mr. J) cooked and he said she didn't, that they had grilled chicken, rice and corn. Actually, I figured dinner would take about 3 hours. Of course, I thought about staking out his hotel, but I was too tired. I had taken something to help me sleep.
He asked if we were doing something tonight and I said I wanted to do something fun. He suggested a movie, but I said no. He suggested dinner, but I said no, I had something else in mind... something fun! LOL!! Oh... hmmm... he's probably scared to death... LOL!!!
Well, I think I'm gonna head back to the Y since I won't get there tonight. Have a good day and I'll check back with you later!!
I don't think what you told H about S2 was bad. Your H said to keep him informed. Don't you just wish you could know what your H is thinking? He had to have known that separating would be devasting to all of you. You're doing the right thing not placing the blame on him, even though you're thinking it :-). Even though I was also at fault, I blame my H for turning my life upside down. I wanted to work on the marriage...he's the one who spoke the "D" word first.
It must be very difficult dealing with the situation when you have kids. It's bad enough dealing with the hurt and pain on your own, but knowing it is also affecting your children. We don't have any...just 4-legged furry ones...ha!
Hang in there...and keep posting.
All my best, alamogirl
Me - 48 (at time of 1st bomb) H - 43 married - 16 Jul 94 no children 1st bomb - (said he was leaving) - 3 Jun 06 2nd bomb (said he was ready to file) - 10 Nov 06 H filed divorce - 17 Nov 06 Divorce finalized - 20 Jul 07
He asked if we were doing something tonight and I said I wanted to do something fun. He suggested a movie, but I said no. He suggested dinner, but I said no, I had something else in mind... something fun! LOL!! Oh... hmmm... he's probably scared to death... LOL!!!
You are too funny! Thanks for the chuckle!
alamogirl
Me - 48 (at time of 1st bomb) H - 43 married - 16 Jul 94 no children 1st bomb - (said he was leaving) - 3 Jun 06 2nd bomb (said he was ready to file) - 10 Nov 06 H filed divorce - 17 Nov 06 Divorce finalized - 20 Jul 07
He asked if we were doing something tonight and I said I wanted to do something fun. He suggested a movie, but I said no. He suggested dinner, but I said no, I had something else in mind... something fun! LOL!! Oh... hmmm... he's probably scared to death... LOL!!!
You are too funny! Thanks for the chuckle!
alamogirl
You KNOW what he was probably thinking!! It didn't even dawn on me until I typed it out here!! Not that I'd be opposed to that either!!
. Over these past months, my sister has logged almost a whole marathon with me! 
I left the game early so I could get 1 1/2 hours at the Y, and it was between innings, so I went up to him and told him I was leaving. He kissed me and I left. When, I got to the Y, I texted him saying "trust me, if i had a plan, it wouldn't be DS sleeping with you ;oP" He didn't respond. 
Have a good night.
. 
, but my conscious and most intentional part told him b/c he had asked and to let him know that S2 was beginning to show feelings in case S2 said or did anything odd. Sometimes, I wish the boys would just break doors or walls -- I think it is healthier at times.