NikkiB #15 (moving to Piecing)

[NikB]

Thank you JDK!

Just a quick pup update for those following her dental saga... I picked her up tonight. She is pretty out of it but MUCH less than she was after her last procedure. I think they had a better dental person working on her this time because they did the same # of extractions PLUS a cleaning in about half the time. Sheesh. She's whining and pacing a lot but nothing like last time where she could barely walk. So very glad for that. I bet she'll be good as new by Friday.

H is being oddly grumpy and distant tonight. My first instinct was to rush in and talk to him about it but I've decided to keep my distance - oh, and remember that it's NOT all about me. He doesn't seem specifically pissed at me, just grumpy - and has told me many times in the past to leave him alone when he's in a bad mood. So... little 180... I noticed the bad mood but didn't freak out about it, and have made myself available but not in his face going "What's wrong? Are you ok? Did I make you mad?"... so I'm proud for that. I did ask briefly "You seem kinda down, anything I can do?" - he said no, so I left it. So, yay me! Maybe I'm starting to get this stuff eh?

[forever21]

Good job, Nikki!!! You're a DBing champ, that's for sure. I was so happy you went off on your H, because I know it's not the norm for you and it seemed like it was needed. Sounds like you felt better and are standing up for yourself. You are setting boundaries, and seem to have a healthy sense of what is ok. Good work on giving him space last night while he was in a bad mood too. Enjoy the rest of your week!

[forever21]

Forgot to mention how good it is to hear the update on your pup and that the last appt went even better.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

that sounds great Nikki! It IS hard to not think their upset because of us. I think that's a girl thing, or maybe it's just a human thing! So bravo! This also shows your confidence level. When are confidence is low, we immediately become critical of what other people think of us.

Gotta go put the kid in bed now... hope doggy feels better! and the big pup.

[NikB]

Thank you f21 and ST!!

Pup's still seeming kind of blah today but getting better so that's good. Thank goodness no more vet visits for awhile.

ST - thanks. Yeah it's sure easy to make it "all about us" isn't it??

H was really grouchy again last night and I think I kinda figured it out. I think the closer we get to Thursday the more he's faced with the Happy Hour coming up... it's the first Thursday since my blowing up at him. I know not to try and mind-read, but it's just kinda the impression I get.

Last night he and a (male) friend from work went out and flew their model airplanes together. He had left me a kind of snippy message saying he was going out "with GREG so I will be home late, but I'm out WITH GREG." And then this morning as he was leaving another kind of snotty tone and "Well I guess I will be home early tonight, see you right after work."

So... on the good side he's making the decision I hoped he would make, to respect my boundary and not go out. But I feel kinda bad about not "letting" him go and a bit like I'm being punished for it. I just keep reminding myself it is NOT unreasonable, and that it's probably going to be difficult for him and I need to be understanding about that while still remaining firm on it. Doing pretty well with it so far, I think.

I'm debating between treating tonight just like a normal night vs. maybe planning something fun for us to do together. Any thoughts?

[oldtimer]

You don't have to fix it for him.

How about being direct: "Gee H, I feel like you are punishing ME because I am not OK with you hanging out with PW. I know you understand that PW is a problem because of YOUR actions, so I'm sure you don't want to punish ME. But, that is how it feels. I am also very frustrated because I don't know how much longer you are going to allow PW to influence OUR M."

[Heartbroken]

Oldtimer

Please take a look at my sitch if you get a chance. OW is gone but now H feels he still doesn't want to come back...

Thanks!

[oldtimer]

Heartbroken,

I don't really have time to follow anyone else's sitch, but I took a quick look. It doesn't sound as though you are Piecing to me. H is clearly not equally committed to building a strong vibrant healthy passionate M as you are.

Your H is depressed because he is unhappy with his life and his M. The A was a symptom of that. Ending the A didn't cure that. So, if either of you thought it would, you were bound to be wrong.

It sounds like you are pursuing, chasing, crowding H, or your sitch is in some way, so that he does not have space to figure out what he wants.

[NikB]

Thanks Oldtimer. I'll see how his attitude is tonight and address it if I need to. I think I can let a couple snippy comments roll off, just not if they keep on happening.

It's kind of a weird balancing act because I don't want to keep throwing the OW/PW thing in his face all the time... but then I guess if I think about it that way, if I'm right that his attitude is because of the happy hour thing, he's kinda throwing her in my face indirectly too.

Hmm. Gotta think on it a bit more. (I know, I know, I think too much...)

Heartbroken - even without knowing your whole sitch from the beginning, I think Oldtimer's pretty right on with that advice.

[ourcrisis]

IMHO, for me, I would try to say, "Hey, I really appreciate it when you tell me that you are going out with Greg. (may add: then I won't be wondering who you are out with)." And "I would love to see you tonite (thur). Would you want me to <rent a movie or whatever?>"
Ignore the tone, just be glad he is doing what you want. He may feel like he needs to show a bit of "attitude" rather than being the obedient husband.