Why do these things happen

[JR2007]

Has your wife filed?

It doesn't look like Catfan's did.

Interesting that mine did but has not done much since. In fact she's delayed things at her request, how's that for mixed signals???

Have finances played a part in your split at all? I think that was such a huge deal for my W and I was such an idiot about it.

Looks like it was for Catfan's wife too.

Jeez, we need to step up and be men! we could have avoided this probably to a large extent just by living up to our agreements with our wives as men!

What a learning process this is. Why I have to go through D to get some good learning, I don't know? But I'm grateful for the experience to improve myself and be who I'm supposed to be.

[789]

She has not filed to my knowledge at this point, her original intentions was to file ASAP that was in March. I am not going to ask about it at this stage.

With finances, I honestly do not know how she is going to do it now that she has her own apartment. Back a month or so, and in hearing her words, I did ask her what she thinks she needs from me in the way of money to be comfortable. She said let her think about it and has not brought it up since. Once again I am not going to ask again.

As for mixed signals, I get them daily. If you remember way back in the beginning of thread, she wanted cell, insurance, etc all split up to our own accounts, then she went and actaully kept them all together, not something I believe someone who was truly done and wanting a D would do. She also told me she was moving on, done, not going to try. I have been invited over for dinner 10 times in the last 2 weeks. Let's see, more mixed signals, while over for dinner tonight she made a comment about changing her name back to her maiden name, but it was only last wednesday she said she was still thinking on what she wanted to do, and then 10 minutes later asked me if I and my S8 would like to go spend the weekend at her parents with her in a couple weeks. Now if these are not mixed/screwed up/confused signals, I fricken do not know what would be.

At this rate I might have to go have myself commited because I wonder if I am the one going crazy. lol

[789]

Well damn, just got a call from W and she just asked me to go out of town with her and our S this weekend, to her parents house. That is a 4 hour+ drive each way. I am not sure I could be locked up in a car with her that long and behave myself and say something stupid. That and spending the whole weekend with IL, uugghh, I do get along well with them, just an awkward time. Guess I better start thinking hard and quick.

[789]

I don't know how people do this. I know I want to make it work, but it feels as if it is nothing but a F'ing game from the WAS attitude. She has no emotions whatsoever, but says things back and forth on her daily dialogue. My emotions, not around her, go up so high and down so low that I wonder sometimes if can continue doing this. Even though I want her in my life as my W, I am wondering if anyone is worth it for putting me through this. Life would be so much easier if I just did what she originally said she was going to do and go file for D, and then truly move on with my life.

[JR2007]

GO! Be confident, be a leader, be courteous, listen to her, be your new self, all that good stuff! Holy cow what a great opportunity to show your wife you're a new, MUCH better man! I would be on that like white on rice - of course I wouldn't ACT too excited, but I would be into it.

[JR2007]

I don't know how people do this. I know I want to make it work, but it feels as if it is nothing but a F'ing game from the WAS attitude. She has no emotions whatsoever, but says things back and forth on her daily dialogue. My emotions, not around her, go up so high and down so low that I wonder sometimes if can continue doing this. Even though I want her in my life as my W, I am wondering if anyone is worth it for putting me through this. Life would be so much easier if I just did what she originally said she was going to do and go file for D, and then truly move on with my life.

Put up the big red stop sign homie, That ain't right. You would NOT be better off without her (if you truly love her and you're truly compatible.)

I had those thoughts too man, we all do, but they're not right, they're just the doubt in yourself bubbling up to the surface. Let them GO! Don't bottle them up, let them go. I like to imagine a giant vault that I'm opening and I watch those feelings just float away. It works! I need a giant vault because I was the king of repressed feelings and I felt anything smaller just wouldn't be realistic to hold all that crap

[imLIN]

I think it might be time for you to share with the group here...

I can tell you that I don't think it is time to throw in the towel...you both have a lot on your plates...I know you think she is being cold and heartless but really it is more likely that she is holding together when around you...she doesn't want to be vulnerable and she doesn't want to hurt...but it will catch up to her...

I think too that you should go with the family to visit the inlaws...this will be a good opportunity for you to display your real self as well...your new and improved sober real self (unless you feel there might be temptation to drink while there...I know some recovering alcoholics can be around others drinking and be okay...but some can't and they need to acknowledge that)

Also know that your W is not consciously playing a game with you but she is equally confused by all her own feelings...remember you had a long time of numbing that she didn't have...so maybe cut a little slack for her now???

I just talked to a gal I work with who just got out of rehab...she said she was so angry at her H that she just spewed at him for the first month she was gone (she claims this was part of her healing...I think it is an excuse)...anyway now SHE is filing for divorce!!!...it is heard on both sides when you are dealing with recovery from substance and trying to fix what has been broken a long time...these all effect the M as you knew it...that M is gone, dead, done, over...what you are looking to do is resurrect a new M where the old one stood...a new one with a stronger foundation...but just like with a house that is demolished...the clean up work is hard...getting the new foundation poured and built is very hard...but once the house is built and beautiful you can sit back and be proud of your work...

So hang in there...your doing good...Lin

[789]

Thank you LIN and JR,
Kind of just lost my mine and or will power this morning, not a whole lot better tonight but better and have calmed down. You are both right, it is not time to throw in the towel. I just hate this emotional rollercoaster, probably the same one W has been on for a long time without me knowing it at the time.

LIN, part of me just keeps thinking those bastards are still
@#%$^&$% with me mentally and I do not want them to win, and keeping myself sane, sober and happy is part of me winning, I also no it is wrong, but part of me blames them for what has/is happening in my marriage and feel that if my marriage fails, they are still winning, which I know it is not.
Is your first line in your post implying that I should share what I had sent you? I have been thinking about it alot, I know this place is annonymous, so that part would be okay. I also wonder if it could help others who may have same type experience. I know I held in for 25+ years and I am positive I am not the only one who has done the same. Maybe others who have can stop themselves from letting it eat them alive like I had.

[imLIN]

Yep...that is what I was refering to...

And no you are not the only one that happened to...obviously you don't watch Oprah and Phil much (me either but I see the commercials)...I KNOW it would help others to read your FULL story...I still want to get back with you on my thoughts as a women but I have so blasted busy it isn't funny...with H not working I have to work double time it seems...frustrating for sure...maybe this weekend...

I do know that you were/are a victim...and in many ways you are right to place the blame on them even now...but I will go into that more later...

I am glad you are some better this morning...I know this "ride" is hell...I rode it full swing for about 2 years...I am at a coasting point right now...no so many hills and valleys...but still the challenges....so hang on...

Take care...Lin

[789]

Well here goes, I guess this is the rest of the story. It is just the copy I sent you , was not going to try to type it again or even clean up the grammer or the rambling in it.

I will try to make this fairly short, not sure if I will suceed.

My wife had always complained 4 to 6 times a year about my drinking, but never really pushed me about it and I never listened, classic alcoholic. As I mentioned in my first post she asked for a divorce right after our 10th anniversay, but in the 2 weeks proceeding that my life was coming apart at the seams. I work for a fairly large company and I do some of the hiring and firing for my area. Well about 2 weeks prior as I mentioned, I had a person coming in for a job interview, I had not read her file or name until she came in. I took her to my office, finally opened up her file, immediately after doing so I actually had to call someone else in to do the interview. Well what happened when I opened her file was her last name. It was a name I had not heard in almost 25 years plus. Well to make this somewhat shorter, when I was 15 a neighboorhood women offered to teach me how to drive since my mom worked long days and my dad was at sea, "military brat". After a few lessons on teaching me to drive she invited me in to her house, the first couple times it was ok. Well one time she decided I was cute and being a hormonal young boy I liked what she was trying to do. Not that it was a good thing, well she actually wasn't doing it for just herself. We had a couple of more visits like this together, then without getting graphic, one time her husband was at home without my knowledge, pictures were taken, and I was basically a toy to both of them for about a year. The only way it ended was when my dad was transfered to another base.
About this time was the begining of the HIV/AIDS scare, one of my classes had a extra credit for giving blood, the nurse said she could not use mine because a test they did said I could have HIV/AIDS. So basically I had no social life thru H.S. because I was scared shitless. I finally found out I did not have anything but was still screwed in the head. Unfortunately the drinking age back then was 18 and that did not help matters.
Well over the next 25 years plus, I learned alcohol could hide every feeling, emotion, or anything else I feeling. During this time I was married once before, I ran from that marriage when I came home one day and my 1st W, was in bed with OM, and when I showed up, her first comment was come "join us".
I got over that, finally found the women I love "current wife".
Well you have read those posts. This is what I left out in that.
When I came home from work that day, I had called our EAP for therapy, I left the names and #'s on the counter, she found them, looked up online to see what kind of therapists they were and hit me up on what was going on. I, on that night basically fell apart and told her pretty much everything that had happened to me, some more than I should have. So in telling her, she was shocked to say the least, I had then started therapy for that and alcohol. Well 2 weeks later, I guess her or god had figured I had not been thru enough, so she decided to add more to it by asking for a divorce. The day I told her about what happened, and not just her shock, but actually pulling away from me, I was so close to just departing this world. Thankfully as you can see, I guess I was stronger than that for which I am now greatful for now. It just sucks that the one person in my life that I told was the one that basically fed me to the wolves. Also to let you know, she,"W" was the first person in my life that I had told about what had happened, I kept it well bottled up for more than half my life.
Well I think I have rambled on long enough. If you have questions or comments, let me know.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.
789