Since, I've been there so I can share the experience. Back in January of '06 I was a mess. I really saw my M as over. However at one point, after a couple 2x4s from some friends here, I pulled up the bootstraps and I told myself that for now, that the goal is not winning my W back. I had a strategy. So here was my strategy: I'm going to become the best man I can be.
Note, my strategy was NOT saving the M or walking away from it - but instead I said to myself that in ORDER to save my M or to survive a D, I NEEDED to be the best man I could. In order to do that, it meant that I stopped looking at my shortcomings, and focus on the opportunities in front of me toward getting to that goal. For me it was simple and obvious - GAL - lose the weight, change the wardrobe, be closer to my kids. Some however, were not - like don't be hurt that the wife is cheating on you, telling you it is over...etc.
But it came to me one day, that I had no control over those things (the cheating and leaving), so instead, I focused on being me and using and enjoying the "opportunities" as they arose. Examples.... As much as we too were stretched financially, if my W asked me to come out, I would go out and use it as an opportunity to show her the new man I was becomeing. The opportunity - if I go out and meet her and her friends (or family) and I'm dressed to the nines and I'm outgoing and attractive - the friends "empathy" for my W's decision takes a chink in its armor. I was told by W that SEVERAL of her friends - all "supportive" of her decision would ask "tell me again why your d-ing this guy". Now, after W would again tell them why, it did create an opening - and keep the ambiguity GOING until your changes are proved permanent - that takes time and patience. So, dress yourself up, put on the biggest smile and get out there with W and friends (or W alone, whatever). Looking back, I would not have always waited until she asked me, but instead I would have framed it as "I'm going to go see X band on Friday, why don't you join me." I've FINALLY started doing this in my "new" M now with great result.
So, back to goals and strategy. What is yours? If it is to win your W back, its a worthy goal - but you are gating yourself. What I am saying is while a great goal, how do you keep the focus on "self preservation" and improvement. If you focus there, understanding that you might, but there is a VERY good chance that you WON'T win your W back, then you become much more resiliant I think. That is where I got my mind. I put a future focus and path in front of me - and just walked that path. Sometimes that meant I needed to slow down and look back and see if the W was following - and if not, slow down. That meant I needed to do all that I could do to earn her trust (LISTENING skills here!) and the ability to keep my mouth shut - not explain my feelings (that usually hurt her more and pushed her away). Instead, I vented here. But I was always looking for "opportunities".
So, how would you define your life mission, tyler? Regardless of whether you are married or not....then let that be your guide.
Now, regarding the letter - I probably wouldn't have sent it - at least in that form - but no worries - you have put it out there and that is OKAY. I think now, it is best to try and listen to what she is saying, keep empathizing her hurt and don't make it about you. Simple respond that you will do all you can do to work to a fair and equitible settlement should the topic arise. That's not to say that elements of the letter need to be hashed out - like how are you going to pay for the stuff you need to pay for this coming month - that you need to do - but I would caution to avoid elements that explain why you're in the predicament.
But like I said before, now even more so, time to look for opportunites to be the best man you can be.
Okay, I found another cool book through a friend that is helping me improve even more in my R with my W - It's called Hold on to Your N.U.T.s. I'll send you an email tomorrow about, but I think the wisdom in there is priceless. Its an easy read too.
Anyway, I've said a couple of times before, ambiguity on your W's part is perfect - and ripe with opportunity. When she says "trying" something to win her back won't work try agreeing it might look like that, but I'm not doing it for you, I'm doing it for me (tyler). And if she gives you opportunities to be the man you want to be, let her, and take her up on it. And be PATIENT - trust with our S's is slowly destroyed. Regaining it, will take equal, or more time. Trust me, I know....
Hope that helps.
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
