this info regarding the refinance is very bad. He is so willing to take you down a rat hole. You need to protect your assets
I agree IMP! This type of thing happened early in our M .. when farming went bad (early 80's). He ended up filing for bankruptcy .. after being kicked out (by me) and going on (IMO) a several month drinking binge/living with OW.
The only thing is .. NOW, everything is in my name. So .. maybe he is thinking he can do whatever he wants .. that he has nothing to lose ..? I don't know.
The first being that I am going to present him with a spread sheet of our monthly income/expenses. I will put this spreadsheet in with a letter. In the past .. it's been totally impossible to talk with him about this. Hopefully, if I lay this on the seat of this truck in the morning before I leave for work, he will have had time to read and digest before I get home(??)
I will be showing him how "we" can make it if we did not have the monthly mortgage payment. I would word it like that 'cause in the past it was his monthly take home that would pay our mortgage. Well .. of course, since he hasn't been working .. it's the refi account that is paying that.
I figure that I will state this information very matter of factly .. not pointing fingers in regards to his "throwing away of money" in the past .. just telling him what it "is" now and how would he suggest we fix this?
In my dreams I would like to foresee him realizing that things cannot go on as they have been. That there is no way around it .. he must go back to work. How can anyone keep advocating refinancing as a source of covering his monthly "expenses"? (Basically mortgage and financing his drinking.)
His "answer" to me .. whenever I bring up this "issue" is usually .. basically a tantrum. The last time I spoke to him about this .. he saw it as me saying that we were done. I told him that is not what I wanted .. I wanted things to change. He said that I basically told him that I was not happy with the way things are .. and would never be. (I guess he's right?) He fell into his black hole of depression .. doing some off the wall things .. 'cause he thought we were done.
The other thing that may affect the situation eventually .. I spoke to his psychiatrist. (He only sees this guy for all of his prescriptions) I wanted to make an appointment with him (saying it was for myself .. to keep confidentiality issues) but he suggested I write him a confidential letter stating what exactly has been going on with my H .. indicating that he could not reveal that I had written to him. His doc said that he had a pretty good idea already ..but thought that maybe I would give him more insight.
From this .. I don't know .. would he change his meds .. or tell him that IF he wants to continue getting meds that he must go to some kind of counseling ..? Not absolutely sure what my letter might accomplish. Hopefully, doing this, won't blow up in my face .. ?
And last .. but definitely not least, I'm thinking that I will get myself back into counseling.
H is in a better place, just 'cause I have backed off trying to "talk" to him about "our" problems.
I am still in the process of trying to get my letter typed to him and the spreadsheet worked out .. so that he understands exactly where I am coming from. For whatever reason, I get somewhat "confused" when working on this. I "know" what he has said to me in the past .. as to his way of thinking on this, but it makes no sense to me. Anyway, because of his previous "laments" .. (what he probably describes as his "answers" to me) I get up-tight/paralyzed while trying to finish that up.
I am waiting to see what his response is to the letter/spreadsheet, before I finish writing to his pdoc. I want to make sure I truly understand my H's mindset before I send any communications out to his doc.
THAT all said, we had a relatively good weekend. I went on several Harley rides with husband and other friends. It turned out pretty well. I just tried to "get along" and not bring up or push anything.
I will have to be honest and say that I have not made any headway on the letter and spreadsheet.
I have been doing some posting on a psychology BB and have been given a lot of evidence that what my H has been going through may not really be in his control. This new "perpective" has really made me pause. I have been thinking about this (along this new train of thought) and also researching what was relayed to me on the psychology board over the weekend. I discovered that there is a lot of validity to what was presented to me last week.
It was at (about) the six month mark that my H began frequenting the bar/drinking on an (almost) nightly basis. Along with the drinking comes the spending of a lot of money ..for the alcohol.
What I have discovered is that the meds that he is on, could be (probably IS) causing this. It is almost too much of a coincidence that this began early (at that six month mark) in his new prescription regimen. It's been going downhill (big time) since then!
I was told that the high dose Effexor XR that he is on is probably taking away what might be called "healthy" anxiety. I guess that would be "motivation" .. right? Which probably attributes to his not wanting to (thinking he can't?) work ..?
The other comments I received were in regards to the (only 1 mg) mirapex that he is on for his RLS Apparently, even at this low dose, this drug can make a person compulsive. Well .. we already knew that my H had an "addictive" personality BEFORE he went on the mirapex. What would it do to someone that already struggles with that?
So many of the responses I received just seemed to click in what I saw that has happened to my H .. ALL since he began on the "newer" meds three years ago.
Because of this new found perspective, I am wondering if it will do me any good at all to try to get my H to understand .. considering?
I'm thinking that the first step (change in order I do this, now) should be me getting that letter out to his pdoc. I have the letter almost done and will be sending that out (hopefully) this week.
Now, if we can just hold on to see what his doc says. I sure hope H's pdoc will put a lot of stock in what I have to say and hopefully make some drastic med changes..
