Madonna/Whore Part 3

[Heywyre]

LFL - COG might have some great points but not where this is concerned:

These things can not be separated in a man's mind. You can not mother him, and expect him to see you as a lover

I agree, MOST men do not want that type of R but we aren't dealing here with "most" men. We are dealing with men that do separate - they think separating love (their wife/partner) and sex (for the "dirty" woman) is normal. They cannot for the life of them put the two together in their minds.

My H is VERY content within our R - other than having sex. And, I would have to say, so am I. We have an incredible R, some that most people never find. We are the best of friends, we spend a lot of personal time together, we have great conversations, etc. you name it. If you asked my H who he would like to spend his quality time with, I guarantee you it would be me. He likes to cuddle, he's a very sensitive, deeply emotional man - he views sex as the lowest level of disrespect he could show his wife.

[LustForLife]

I totally get what you are saying about your R with your H. I could say much of the same about my H too (minus the W/M stuff). I was just questioning how the monitoring gets you closer to your goals (but maybe I don't understand what your goal is). Is the goal to have a healthy SL with your H where he CAN see you as the sexy woman you are? If that is the case, I think COG is right that the monitoring/mothering may hinder not help.
LFL

[Greeneyedlass]

LFL,

I would agree with COG's approach for any other man who does not have W/M. COG, your H, and many of the other men on this board, or the majority of other H's that other women are dealing with on here don't have W/M...so yes, I would say what Heywyre and I are doing with our H's wouldn't work with them...but it does work with men like our H's. I'll let you know in 5-10 years if it's had long-term reprocussions or successes

I think things get complicated in a situation too where there is recent infidelity....because while working on other issues you are also still trying to rebuild shattered trust. It's so hard to build intimacy in a marriage without trust.

[Heywyre]

My H told me, and I have no reason really to disbelieve him, that during the As, the thought of leaving me never even entered his mind. He always loved me, he never loved the OW - she was just "an object for sex".

This is one prime example of how the M/W man thinks. It is not because they are running away from a M/R that has problems. They are not living in a fantasy world wherein they dream about leaving their wives and running off with the OW - they usually have no intention of ever doing that. They don't dream of what life would be with that OW because they have the "perfect" wife at home.

[LustForLife]

It is not because they are running away from a M/R that has problems. They are not living in a fantasy world wherein they dream about leaving their wives and running off with the OW - they usually have no intention of ever doing that.

I get it. They want to have their cake and eat it too. I just feel bad for the other partner (you) who is getting hurt. But you have to decide for yourself where your boundaries lie. My impression was you were not going to leave him no matter what, so why even monitor the phone bills and stuff. That was my point about adding to the "mothering/madonna" problem.
LFL

[Heywyre]

My impression was you were not going to leave him no matter what

Wrong impression!!

I will leave IF things are not addressed. For the time being, he does seem to be doing that (however it is a constant struggle)

That is the reason for the boundaries and making him live up to the agreement we had - i.e. showing me the cell bill for that particular month. This is crucial to our recovery.

[LustForLife]

Sorry, I had it wrong.
I hope it works out, especially with regard to that cell bill.
LFL

[Heywyre]

Thanks LFL - its a very difficult situation to understand if you are not in it.

I thank my lucky stars I found this board, and particularly GEL, who enlightened me to the complex. Before that time, I was at a loss and ready to pull the plug on my M. There just didn't seem to be a reason and/or solution to what I was going through and now everything has fallen into place and totally makes sense. That in itself is very reassuring.

[Heywyre]

Well the pass code and information I needed to access the cell bill was not forthcoming today (as I expected) so I, once again, asked "did you call the cell company"

His response, "no, but I will make sure I do it tomorrow".

Now, I know some of you will think:
(1) for gawd sakes woman, leave the man alone (that would be COG)
(2) keep hounding him girlfriend (that would be GEL)

And I chose ........ door #2 !!!!

As much as I would have liked for him to call today, I will give him the benefit of the doubt, knowing full well he had to work from 11:30 last night and didn't get home until 2 pm today, and then has to go back out tonight at 11:30 - so, yes he's tired. However, I also know it would only take 10-15 minutes max to clear up the discrepancy over the pass code with the cell company so it really could have been done today and would have given me great satisfaction - but it wasn't

This doesn't mean I am going to back down, it just means I will have to put more pressure on him IF he does not follow through tomorrow because we have a jam-packed weekend ahead of us and that will just be more reason not to call

I consider this a minor set back and am not discouraged (yet)

[OG_Lou]

from another thread Crazzy Eddie

My H has said that too - LOL. Because he was born in England and was adopted and my father spent 6 years in England, almost married a woman there but came back to Canada (and I still think I have a half sister there) he/(H) was a little freaked out at the thought I might be her or that we might have the same father

Is this part of your W/M problem? Your H fears you are related somehow?????

Another Morrie Povich TV show! He uses DNA tests to see who is related. Mostly paternity cases.

Lou