I went out with my friends tonight, went to a bar, had to much to drink, and got 3 different phone numbers from women. 2 of the girls even kissed me (ok i asked for the kisses, but they gave them up). I wouldn't ever dream of taking it farther though. I guess its just a self confidence booster, i would never take it farther. I didn't even feel any attrraction to them. Yes, I felt more confident and my friends were impressed, but I don't feel any better. I honestly feel like only a shell of a man right now. The one thing I want more than anything is out of my reach. I miss my wife. I knew when I married her that she was the one. She drives me wild, i dream about her..
Its tough when all i want is my wife to want me again. But its not okay for me to let her walk all over me. If she thinks she'll be happier with the OM, then fine. I'm a good man, a good provider, good looking, a good father, and a good lover. I have and would give her anyting she wants, and I love her with all my heart. I would do anything for her. If she would ask me to give everything to charity to prove my love, I would.
But i'm done letting her walk all over me. If she honestly thinks someone else will make her happier then she should go for it... Maybe one day she will understand what she had with me.
I'm at a breaking point, I will love her unconditionaly, but i won't let her disrespect me. I won't be broken without her. I want her and i'm honestely sorry for the way i treated her in our marriage, but I won't let her hurt me anymore.....
Anyways, before I went out I told her i'd be home at 9:00PM; at 9:30 she called me mad that I was still out, because she was going to go out tonight. BOO HOO. SHE DOES NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE MAD AT ME. I don't care, and she can be mad. I didn't have an affair. All i'm guilty of is loving her. I have loved her through all of the hurt.
I kept it cool, and said i was out with my friends and would be home in an hour. Well, I'm home now and she had already left for the night. (my stepdaugther - 15 was watching the small girls)
She just called me though to tell me about her night. From the sound of her voice, me going out and drinking with my friends might have been a positive. She sounded like she missed me. She was happy and honestly wanted to tell me about something that was going on that she was happy about. I was supportive, and told her to have a good time. She said goodnight, and I heard something loving in her voice.
Who knows. Maybe i am reading to much into it, but right now i feel like its a wake up call for me. This is my message to myself and anyone else riding the rollercoaster right now:
RESPECT YOURSELF. You deserve it. You have stood up and been strong for your families. You have loved your wife/husband when most people would have folded. The men and women in this bulletin board are amazing people. Your compassion, understanding, and love is unmeasurable. I have been stengthened by your posts and your integrity. You deserve respect, so RESPECT YOURSELF.
We know what is best for our families, and we are doing it. I'ts so much easier to give up. Its hard to admit your faults, work to change them, and love your spouse unconditionaly. But thats what we are all doing.
I'm talking with a few martinis in me. But honestly - anyone fighting for their marriage and reading this should realize the character they are made of. Its easy to say "f*** it", its hard to say "i'm standing for my wife and kids". Its not easy - i know. I've cried myself to bed more than i care to admit. But I don't regret it. I would do anything for my kids... I will continue to swallow my pride and i will continue to fight to keep my family together. But i will not let her disprect us anymore.
