My wife is falling in love with OM - help.

[andyv]

Also she has been calling me Andy for the last two days (not Andrew).

In our 17 years together,
Andy good, Andrew not so good!

[Dr LOve]

That is one thing I noticed. My W seemed to be extra stressed trying NOT to give me hopes by being friendly towards me. When I told her that I will not take things the wrong way. Lets be friends the stress seemed to lift for her.
I am so hard not giving her that good bye kiss when I go to work. But I do think we are working our way back towards that.
I hope things are going to work out for you andyv.
Things SLOWLY are looking better for me right now but it only takes one moment to send the house of cards crashing down again.
She came down to the baseball game I coach for my son. I heard he call me though the fence. It’s strange Just the tone of her voice was friendly / caring not cold and harsh like it used to be. I know we have a way to go and I pray things are going to work out but like you I am getting tired of the fight for my marriage.

[nextsteps_4us]

Ok, so my wife and I had another nice evening, watched some tv, talked, had some pizza togther, even joked about the lawyers being bad-asses. She asked me why i got a new lawyer, i said 'because i found out you hired one of the top lawyers in the city, and I was outgunned.'. She laughed and asked how I found that out. I said a simple web-search, then i told her how my lawyer and hers have been trying cases against eachother for 25 years, and that we now have the two most bad-ass lawyers in the city. She laughed. She asked - what did you talk about... I avoided the question, and said just simple initial consulation stuff, probably the same stuff you and your lawyer talked about. I also was able to say to my wife "you know how I feel about all of this, i don't need to say it again, so i won't". She knew what i meant and got kind of quiet. I don't know if she is having doubts, or what.

Anyways we moved on in the conversation, and I said goodnight to my wife around 11:30, i got the feeling she didn't want to say goodnight.

Then this morning 180 from her. She wants to talk about moving, and family counseling. I told her it was 8:10AM and probably not the right time to talk about it as we needed to get the girls to school. She looked annoyed, she wanted to talk about her moving into the city - we live in the suburbs. Even though i had some strong opinions about one of us moving to the city, i asked her how she felt about the moving thing. She talked it through and basically talked herself out of it. WOW! I didn't even have to try to come to a compromise. If only i would have listened more and not tried to push my agendas when our marriage was good. I simply said, i'm glad we both feel the same way about it and think its best to keep the little girls in the same school right now.

Then she reminded me to call the family counselor this afternoon, as she didn't want to take forever messing around with this stuff. :S

I wanted to drag my feet on it, but i guess i'll respect her desire to meet with the family counselor. My lawyer recommended him, her lawyer recommended someone else. I tryed to handle it diplomatically but my lawyer said the one her lawyer recommended typically did Parental Evaluations, and i should avoid going to see her. So maybe my wifes annoyance is that I didn't agree to go meet with her family counselor. I told her if she wanted to we could meet with both and pick the one we felt most comfortable. She was short and said no just call your guy. I asked if she wanted to talk to him first before i scheduled something. She said no.

Well, i guess i can only slow things down so much. I will call and schedule something. My lawyer said this guy is good, very compassionate, and doesn't pull any punches when it comes to the affects of divorce on kids. He will be very clear on how damaging it is to them. Lets see if my wife will go into the meeting with an open mind.

[Dr LOve]

Hey sounds like the fog may be lifting for your wife. Look out when reality hits. I think you are handling this great. A little compromise but no collapsing. You are still staying strong. Good work

H

[nextsteps_4us]

I miss my wife.

I went out with my friends tonight, went to a bar, had to much to drink, and got 3 different phone numbers from women. 2 of the girls even kissed me (ok i asked for the kisses, but they gave them up). I wouldn't ever dream of taking it farther though. I guess its just a self confidence booster, i would never take it farther. I didn't even feel any attrraction to them. Yes, I felt more confident and my friends were impressed, but I don't feel any better. I honestly feel like only a shell of a man right now. The one thing I want more than anything is out of my reach. I miss my wife. I knew when I married her that she was the one. She drives me wild, i dream about her..

Its tough when all i want is my wife to want me again. But its not okay for me to let her walk all over me. If she thinks she'll be happier with the OM, then fine. I'm a good man, a good provider, good looking, a good father, and a good lover. I have and would give her anyting she wants, and I love her with all my heart. I would do anything for her. If she would ask me to give everything to charity to prove my love, I would.

But i'm done letting her walk all over me. If she honestly thinks someone else will make her happier then she should go for it... Maybe one day she will understand what she had with me.

I'm at a breaking point, I will love her unconditionaly, but i won't let her disrespect me. I won't be broken without her. I want her and i'm honestely sorry for the way i treated her in our marriage, but I won't let her hurt me anymore.....


Anyways, before I went out I told her i'd be home at 9:00PM; at 9:30 she called me mad that I was still out, because she was going to go out tonight. BOO HOO. SHE DOES NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE MAD AT ME. I don't care, and she can be mad. I didn't have an affair. All i'm guilty of is loving her. I have loved her through all of the hurt.

I kept it cool, and said i was out with my friends and would be home in an hour. Well, I'm home now and she had already left for the night. (my stepdaugther - 15 was watching the small girls)

She just called me though to tell me about her night. From the sound of her voice, me going out and drinking with my friends might have been a positive. She sounded like she missed me. She was happy and honestly wanted to tell me about something that was going on that she was happy about. I was supportive, and told her to have a good time. She said goodnight, and I heard something loving in her voice.

Who knows. Maybe i am reading to much into it, but right now i feel like its a wake up call for me. This is my message to myself and anyone else riding the rollercoaster right now:

RESPECT YOURSELF. You deserve it. You have stood up and been strong for your families. You have loved your wife/husband when most people would have folded. The men and women in this bulletin board are amazing people. Your compassion, understanding, and love is unmeasurable. I have been stengthened by your posts and your integrity. You deserve respect, so RESPECT YOURSELF.

We know what is best for our families, and we are doing it. I'ts so much easier to give up. Its hard to admit your faults, work to change them, and love your spouse unconditionaly. But thats what we are all doing.

I'm talking with a few martinis in me. But honestly - anyone fighting for their marriage and reading this should realize the character they are made of. Its easy to say "f*** it", its hard to say "i'm standing for my wife and kids". Its not easy - i know. I've cried myself to bed more than i care to admit. But I don't regret it. I would do anything for my kids... I will continue to swallow my pride and i will continue to fight to keep my family together. But i will not let her disprect us anymore.

[EmtnRllrCstr]

Next,

Great post...I agree with you whole heartedly. Anyone on these MB trying to fight for their marraige is an amazingly strong individual. We all are standing up for our families, which to me shows great internal/mental strength, toughness and great character. These sitch are not easy. I say to you and anyone else reading this post that you all are awesome individuals and our S or anyone else for that matter is or would be lucky to share our lives.

I think that because we love our S the way we do it easy for us to let them walk all over us. There is a fine line that we all need to learn between loving them unconditionally and letting them have their way by treating us like a doormat. I agree RESPECT OURSELVES...

-ERC

[Dr LOve]

next step

I also agree with your post exept:

"I will continue to swallow my pride and i will continue to fight to keep my family together"

I do not think you are swallowing your pride by fighting for your family. If you had no pride you would just say F*ck it and leave.
Keep up the good work and just "smile and wave"

Husband

[nextsteps_4us]

Ok, even with all the small positives going on, my situation is heading towards a seperation. I found out today that my wife called and talked to a realtor in the area about buying a house. I even have seen the house she wants.

Now. I understand why she would want to buy a new house, instead of moving into a rental. But after talking to my lawyer it was made clear that I should not agree to her buying a new house now. Ok, so without me signing she wouldn't be able to get a mortgage, but she knows that we could afford for her to buy a new house.

I obvoiusly don't want her buying a new place right now, but it's in her head as part of the fantasy life she is going to start living once we seperate. By her not buying a new house, she will blame her continued unhappyness on me since she will think her life won't feel complete until she can move on (moving on means the picture she has in her head).

Anyways, since we are not divorced I would own half, and would need to sign papers for her to buy a new house. And if she wants a divorce it will take a minimum of 11-12 months for it to be final, unless we go through mediation. Which is what she wants.

Even being cooperative and going through mediation, this process would take at least 4-6 months.

So i'm not sure how to handle the conversation when she finally approaches me about it. How do i listen, validate, etc, when we are obviously about to disagree with very little compromise.
What should I say?

I hate this. I just realize how long this is going to take if she moves out. She is going to be "happy" filling her life with buying furniture, decorating, painting, spending time with OM. Only after all the newness is done and she realizes the OM has his own set of problems might she find space for me again, who knows how long that might take.

Ignore my bad attitude, I'll try to get my hope back up, Patience right, little steps.

I could really use some help with the upcoming conversation though. Any ideas? How do i tell her i'm against the idea and defend it. Is there any compromises you see?

[Dr LOve]

Next

I would not sign anything. Give her support if she wants to buy a house but she is doing it on her own. Be nice. You have come along way with the positives. Don’t say something like “that’s your problem not mine”. Let her know if she wants you opinion on something about the house or purchase you will help any way you can but You don't see the need for another house at this time so if she wants to buy another house that’s her decision. Don’t tell her this but if she wants a life without you in it she is going to have to start living it.
It’s not like you have thrown her out in the street. She has a place to live / sleep.
After my first marriage my XW would always call me to fix this or help her with that. Finely one day I woke up and thought to my self. If she does not want to be married to me. And does not need me so why am I taking care of her. She can’t have it both ways
I was not mean but I had to start letting her take care of herself for my own sake.

I am no expert otherwise I would still be single.

Husband

[WAW in the OC]

My wife of 16 1/2 yrs is also seeing a man 16 yrs younger! In addition she has told me she loves him and I've found numerous e-mails and pictures of them doing fun stuff together. He's only 22 and tells her he wants to spend the rest of his life with her when she has 3 kids 17,11,9. She's 38.You are very lucky your wife is still talking to you. My wife is in the anger stage and won't discuss anything but our kids' schedule and finances with me! You have a golden opportunity to change the tide. Make sure you read the DR and apply the techniques. You have so much more to work with than me. The few times my wife has spoken to me before I read the book were just to tell me that it was over and she didn't want to work on our marriage.
Please save your marriage before she shuts communication down and then you will only have the last resort to use which only prevents more negative situations.