I agree Yoyo, we will definately be better, stronger individuals no matter the out come of our sitch.
Tonight was 5D pre-school graduation. It was an awesome program that they put together. The kids sung a few songs which incorporated what they have been learning this last year. It has been a blast watching my 5D learn and grow into a little woman. She is learning to read, spell, tell time, learned the months, and much more....
Thankfully I was not sitting next to my W tonight. Towards the end of the program they played a clip with pictures and video from this last year. I got emotional seeing all the things that I heard about this past school year. The reason that I got emotional was knowing that I going to miss out on a lot of these things going forward if we get D. I know that I will still be a big part of my kids life, but, not being able to see them on a daily basis and talk with them about their days hurts. It wasn't even about my W, it was knowing that I am going to miss parts of my kids lives just because we will be a broken family. God only knows the final outcome of all of this and why he is allowing this to occur.
My W rode with me tonight, in the new car, to the cermony. On the way home she asked me if I was happy. 5D interupted so I was not able to answer her at that time. So my W before she left for work, kids are now in bed, asks me the same question. I told her that the one thing that I have learned is that I am in control of my happiness and that I can nolonger make myself happy trying to make others happy. I told her that no I was not happy that I was losing my family, I am not happy that I am going to be a part time daddy and I am not happy that I am losing my W. I did not ask her the same question, I really do not want to know the answer. Maybe I should have, maybe this was her way of opening up to me again - who knows?
Earlier in the evening when my W saw my new car she asked me if I thought by getting it I would some how win her back, because I knew this was the car that she always wanted? I told her no I did not think that. The crazy thing is the car that I got was the car that I wanted to be our next family car. I have been thinking about buying this car for a while now and only bought it because of our current circumstances. My orginal plan, before all of this, was to buy a car like mine for my W in a year and then I would take her van. I do not need a car as nice as what I now have, but, now that I am driving my girls all over creation they need dad to have a nicer more reliable car for them. I do not know why I am trying to justify to everyone why I got a new car......
Another thing started happening tonight, a highschool girl from our church that used to be apart of my W small group started texting her. I the girl and the other girls from the group are really mad at my W for lying to them and ditching out of there lives. These girls have been with my W for the last 4 years and now because of all this she is nolonger apart of their lives. They feel abandoned and betrayed. The things that my W used to preach at them about and come down on them for she is now doing. My W was really mad about some of the txts that she recieved from the girl.. Who knows if this is a good or bad thing? I do know that it cannot make matters any worse then they already are.
