Well, we had our first MC appointment a couple of days ago. Went a little different than I expected. I was expecting us to lay out our concerns/issues on the table for each other to hear. Instead, I think the counselor preferred to catch the gist of my issues from the "history form" I filled out while we were in the waiting room, so that my wife would NOT hear them, just yet.
(btw: On the form, I essentially wrote that the biggest issue from my perspective is that wife's LD has been received by me as continuous rejection for 7 or so years, and not much, if any, love is left; I am trying to hang in there for the kids, but finding it increasingly difficult and hopeless).
We had what I thought was a tremendous breakthrough a week or two before the appointment. Part of the problem has been, I'm told, sex has been physically uncomfortable for her, making it difficult for her to "stay interested" during our rare time together. I'll spare you the details (I can write them elsewhere, if you're interested, or you can google two words -- clitoral adhesions), but I think we solved that problem. She, for the first time I recall in 7 or 8 years, enjoyed herself as she did "before kids", and, if you don't mind me saying so, I was able to bring her to orgasm. She even initiated, as she had found earlier in the week the physical fix had worked, and was, I guessed, curious/hopeful sex with me might be more enjoyable than it has for a long long time. Things were looking up, or so I thought.
Before we left for our MC appointment, I asked if things were still working better for her physically. She angrily replied that she didn't think the lack of sex was a major problem (might have thrown in an "at least not for me"), and said that there are other issues. Maybe I had just stuck my foot in my mouth, but I was honestly hopeful things might naturally get easier for us. It's been hard to forget this angry display of her apparent ignorance or indifference of how I feel. I suspect part of it was her being defensive. But, still, it has occupied too many of my thoughts these last few days.
I don't think she understands -- despite being told multiple times -- it's not the physical act I've craved. Rather, it's the constant rejection I've felt over the years. It's to the point where I don't crave it any more, I don't ask for it, I don't (generally) mention it. I'm not sure I'm interested in it at all with her any more. I'm numb to the thought of her.
She told the counselor she wants to meet with the counselor privately (without me) to vent some things that bug her about me, that she thinks maybe it won't be productive to state them in my presence and so she wants the counselor to help her decide what is important to discuss together. Gee, that feels good. Maybe there are some ways in which I'm a disappointment that I haven't yet heard multiple times. Maybe if and when my "important flaws" are revealed to me I'll be surprised by their gravity. The gravity I feel at the moment though is how empty and non-loving towards her I feel. I really wish we could just go our separate ways. (I won't, so far, because of the kids.)
She has had some pretty cranky days since our appointment. I'm really tired of putting up with it. I honestly don't remember the last time I felt any joy from being around her, and I don't anticipate feeling any ever. It's become seemingly impossible to enjoy time with her, because I resent her role in our relationship's demise, and I cannot put out of my mind how hopeless our situation seems to me.
Well, wasn't that special. Thanks for attending my pity party. I'm fighting a cold. Maybe things won't look so negative after the cold goes away.
