Piecing - H still contacts OW

[ourcrisis]

Journaling.
OK. I did something very bad yesterday. Major argument with H. Basically I told him that I was very resentful that he still contacts OW intentionally and he knows that with each contact he is hurting me. Plus lots of other nasty stuff. H got very mad and asked if I want him back or not, that I am punishing him and making him pay. I said that is definitely not my intention but I also feel he is putting more effort into OW, talking to her more than talking to me (we talk, but more like roommates/partner talk, just like most families, right?) He kept saying it's only one more month and it will be over and he will not come back, (meaning I should just let it be). I told him I fear that he will change his mind at the last minute, and I feel like I am not getting any reassurance from him that he is moving towards ending this (give him credit, all contacts are now at work time). It is too long to get into all the details. Essentially, h got mad, I got mad. It was good that both of us let some steam out, bad in the sense that I may have pushed him away and could possibly lead him to seeing ow again.
Today though we had a good day, back to being very nice to each other. I reread DR and realized I am starting to do all the nagging and pushing and yelling that I am not supposed to do. So I need to remind myself to reread the book and DB again, like praising the good points and not push.
I am still trying to let go of my resentment that he is not introducing me to all of his friends. Some are ow's friends also but supposedly they do not know about A between h and OW. I told him I want him to show me off as his wife at our goodbye party with friends. He said yes before but now decided to cancel the party. I am guessing that these "friends" know about A which is why he is not having a party and this pisses me off. Deep in my heart i know I should let it go but I have trouble to. Hopefully time will take care of this.
I think I need to buy a big STOP sign and paste it in front of my desk. To stop myself thinking about OW all the time.