Oh and hey... our middle one turns 13 next week. I just put 13 since it was so close. How's he taking this? How is your S taking it? We've had problems with the 13... fighting with his brother and he kicked in the back door last week. He and DH fixed it together this past weekend and had some good one on one time.
You know... they say everything happens for a reason. I wonder what that reason is...LOL!!
I agree. I think that it's the unreality of it all -- at least in terms of what I thought we were -- that's the biggest hurdle for me. I was sure that no matter what, we were soul mates, and I could point to so many things that happened that I thought proved it. Now... who knows.
And I think it's that reason I'm trying DB & willing to wait: that despite it all (so far anyway), I truly love this man who I KNOW I knew, and I think I still do.
Our eldest son's name is a combination of both my name and H's name -- like Brianna would be for Brian and Anna -- and I was wondering what it would do to him and his name if H & I D. I mean, how could he have a name that was both of us if we weren't?! A friend said, though, that I shouldn't look at it from this broken perspective, but to consider instead that it showed how much H & I did love each other at one time. Friends are such blessings!
Just D -- You are too fast: I posted the last one regarding the your post before.
I am amazed at how my boys are doing; I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. My almost 13 yr old -- who also turns 13 in two weeks (on the 10th) -- is very protective of me, but he says he wants H&me to just take our time and do what we need. My 17y says that while he is affected by everything, this is really between H&me and that all he wants is for us to be happy. NONETHELESS -- we are having both boys see C's at least once or twice; I just don't want to rely on their spoken confidence and find out later that they needed to say something they didn't think they could to us.
And yes, things all seem to have some type of reason. One on one is great, no matter what the excuse...well, to a point. LOL
Good sign? I didn't IM or email or call DH all day. He called around 6 saying he was on his way home and did I want him to stop at a store near his work for some lunch stuff. Wow. Then he had dinner with us. He asked if I timed it so that it would be ready when he got home, but I was honest and said no, I just had to cook the meat so it wouldn't go bad... LOL!! Maybe I should have lied?
See, I think 7yoDS is my protector. He spends most nights with his dad. The first time he stayed home after staying with DH, he came into my room in the middle of the night. I wasn't sleeping well then and so I was awake. I asked if he was checking on me and he said yes. I took him back to bed and promised him I wasn't going anywhere. Another night, when I called to say goodnight, I told him I missed him and he said no you don't... and I said I always miss you when you're gone and said "even when I'm in school?" LOL!!
My 16yo is very angry and has only had dinner with DH once since this has happened.
I think the 13yo is confused. We haven't asked them to choose sides (and never would), but I think he's confused. At first he told his friends DH and I were getting a divorce and he was going to have to go live with his dad because I don't make enough money to support all of us. We explained that wasn't true and he has since spent 2 nights with his dad. Tonight was supposed to be his night, but he let 7yoDS take his place and he'll take Friday and Saturday. Of course, I'm thinking "when's my turn?"
Totally get the unreality of this whole mess!! When DH told me he had an A, I laughed!! I said "you're just teasing me to see how I'll react." Nope. Holy crap... it was like my whole world fell apart... like my legs were knocked out from underneath me. Made me sick to my stomach for weeks. Oh, it was horrible... such a black time in my life. The man *I* know would never do that to me. Like you, I love this man and refuse to give up hope. He's worth fighting for. Our marriage is worth fighting for. Our family is worth fighting for. *I* am worth fighting for!
You know... we were on a cruise just a month before he left. I have a picture of us both and while we haven't been happy all the time the past 2 years, there is real happiness in the picture. He even had the photographer wait til he came and knelt beside me to have the picture taken.
He's very ashamed that he had the A. I think he blames me for some of that. He was in the Navy for over half our marriage and was never unfaithful. That was always a source of pride for him and now that he's had an A, he's very ashamed. (We had this conversation about a week before he left.)
JustD - Good morning. I think you had a good sign last evening; my H won't even pretend to need to eat, much less come by and plan to sit down. He's so calmly distant these days. I know that much of what he's doing probably connects with a need to "do things alone," but I miss the easy warmth we had at one time.
I've been doing well until the past couple days. Last night I went into town to try to get sneak preview tickets to the Pirates of the Caribbean tonight for my 17yo. I need to not do things like that. I found myself driving out of my way to go past H's house, and instead of driving on home, I stopped. Long story short: we ended up talking civilly about how he isn't having an affair, and he mentioned how some people have asked him how he knows I'm not having an affair . I told him b/c I love him and I wouldn't do that to him. I'm wondering what these people think is going on between us! Anyway, he talks so calmly and patiently, all the time saying he doesn't mind my questioning because he doesn't want me to be "on the spear of my anxieties" of this. I wish I could feel his concern was motivated by love and not guilt or distancing; I just end up coming away from these times with a sinking feeling in my stomach and a huge case of the blues.
I'd hang on to your picture! While mixed feelings, there must be some real comfort in those memories. H&me went overnight to Minneapolis the month before he dropped the bomb, and while I can't help wondering what he was thinking about when we made love -- he had already gone to talk to a lawyer, I found out later -- I do have good thoughts about the evening we spent. I think I knew something was up, though, 'cause I fell into a real deep depression on the way home. At the time, I couldn't say why beyond I had been having emotional ups and downs (now I think they were karmic responses!)throughout the fall.
Have you considered C for your boys? Even just with a pastor, perhaps? Not that, from your description, they sound like they are acting at all abnormal -- I think a little frustration and upset makes sense in these situations. Good friends who know about this stuff were the ones who urged us to get our boys to see a C and I think that at least my 13yo is embracing the chances (he's not angry with us, he says, but angry at the school for hiring teachers he feels aren't smart enough to teach him! We're in trouble with that one! )
And here's a long one in reply to yours. I'm nothing if not long winded!
How's your day looking? More good signs, I hope. Cheers -- Anne
I swear I understand everything you're going through!! It takes a LOT for me to not drive by DH's work let alone his hotel (and this weekend, his apt.) It's only a studio, so I know that can't be long term.
I'm soooo proud of myself. I'm totally freaking about this dinner tonight and I soooo wanted to ask him if he was really going there or what? I didn't, but I did ask why he can't pick up 7yoDS and he said cuz he'd probably be getting back about 10:30. I said the boys are out of school, so it doesn't matter. He said he'd call.
I make him breakfast (hard boiled eggs) and lunch to take to work every morning. This morning he was excited about his sandwich... LOL!
He kissed me goodbye like normal, but I kissed him back 2 more times... longer the 2nd time and more like a finishing peck the 3rd. TMI? LOL!!
Anyway, we talked about this weekend and how 16yoDS wants friends to come over Saturday. I said I didn't know about our plans and he said he just planned on yard work. He also said that he didn't know how 13yoDS staying with him Friday and Saturday night would affect our date night and if we had any plans. I said I didn't know if he was even interested. He said we could talk about it later. I was bad and did joke (again) about when it would be my turn to the spend the night. He said something about my night job that I took a LOA from and how if I was still doing that, he would be here those nights for the kids. Thinking maybe I should come off LOA???? (leave of absence)
OMGosh!! Your kids sound like mine... especially my 16yo. NO teachers are smart enough for him. The 13yo? He just finished 7th and is already talking about graduating early like our star football quarterback did this year... LOL!! Gotta love kids!!
I'm off to work... late already, but HAD to reply to you!! I'll check back later this afternoon.
Don't beat yourself up too badly about last night. I think we'd all be lying if we didn't do or have thought of doing the same thing!! (((hugs))) Don't give up hope... hang in there!!
I'll be back this afternoon... have a good day, okay?!!
Thanks, D, for the encouragement and hugs. I'm jealous of how affectionate you and your DH are; has it always been like that during these times? Is it hard on you to have him leave then?
I keep thinking that the biggest 180 I could do right now would be to give my H a big kiss when he's picking up the kids some morning, but I'm so afraid he'd just jump right out of his skin! (Maybe reason enough to try, eh? ) I can't yet tell how much to push new things and how much to not push... maybe with time.
Anyway, I'm happy to have you to chat with; it really helps to have someone who's travelling the same road. And I'll MAKE myself have a good day, heck or high water (and with the rain we're having today, it's probably the water )
Okay, seriously. I don't think I'd describe it as affectionate. I don't honestly know why he does it cuz it gives me a sense of hope and I wonder if it's not false hope. Over the past two years, I know there are times when he tries to make me happy... tried to make me happy. He says he wants to do the right thing and then will talk himself out of it because if I fall into another depression, it will be shame on him. Screw me once, shame on you... screw me twice, shame on me what he says.
Here's something I'm sure we've all questioned. He sounds less tense these days. Just called me again about some business we need to take care of, and then asked how my day was going. But here's my question... if he's less tense, is he gonna think he should stay away forever? That he really IS happier without me? That it was ME who was making him miserable?
Oh and I did the telephone coaching with Chuck last week. He said that fear is not a good thing. He gave an example. He lives in Colorado and you can't go hiking without seeing signs about bears and what you should do if you come across one. He said your fear will tell you to run when that is the exact opposite of what you should do. I for sure let fear run my actions... that and second guessing myself. I can't tell you how much to push either. Honestly, I feel like I'm right on the edge of right and wrong when I tease about spending the night. I try to do it playfully so he won't feel pressured, cuz that's not my intention.
Yuck!! I hate rain. It depresses me. LOL!! I need sun.
I'm happy to have you to chat with, too. Until you go through something like this, NO ONE can understand... no one!! I'm sorry we're both going through it, but at least we're not alone.
Hope your day has been decent anyway!! I've got the mother of all headaches and need to take something and lay down in the dark. It's the kids first day of vacation and they're trying to kill me, I'm sure.
You know, D, my hat is off to you for keeping it going for two years. I know that if I want to have H back, it likely will take that long -- or longer -- but sometimes I'm just not sure I have that kind of stamina.
The fear created by H being less tense is so sharp sometimes, I think. Today wasn't as good as I wanted: I had the day off and I ended up spending too much time thinking -- so of course I called him and sounded weak and weird. I hate that! And of course he sounded understanding but distant. And so the stand off continues ... We'll see what happens this evening at S2's band concert. (We finally have figured out how to sit in near proximity of each other but not quite as if we are still together; I hate that too!)
Do you think this need to figure out how to act and live without too much fear of reprisal is going to help us live a fuller life later? I hope that there will be something good out of all these changes.
Ok, enough grumping! I decided as I drove to pick up the kids that I am figuring out how to really GAL! My job at the library has some times when I'm working all the time and at other times I have huge spaces of time off. You'd think my house would be spotless with a schedule like that -- right! . So, I am going stop pretending I'm going to become the next Martha S and try to get myself writing again (I am a wannabe author who never really writes ). I have a somewhat romance novel that I've started -- if I can now figure out how to write "romance" in the midst of this craziness, I think it might be a best seller.
And I hope your headache isn't too horrible. My kids don't get out for the summer until June 4th, so I get a few more days before the summer days begin. I'll let you know if there's anything wonderful -- or not -- from tonight.
See, I wonder how he put up with it for 2 years. I was ALWAYS afraid he was gonna leave. Ha! He proved me right. I just really want my marriage to work. We were happy together once, you know? I still can't believe we're going through this. Everyone thought we had the perfect marriage. He even said that if this happened to us, it can happen to anyone.
You know what my fear is? Here I was afraid he'd walk out or have another A. Hello? How am I not gonna be worried it's gonna happen again if and when he comes back??? How will I get over this???!! I guess I'm becoming stronger every day, I don't know.
See, I'm a scrapbooker. I can't even do that, cuz ALL the pictures are fake to me now. How I can scrap happy events when my life is in such turmoil? So I get how you'd be questioning if you could write a romance. Can you make it have a happy ending please? LOL!! I'm a reader, but lately, I can't sit still it seems. If I do read, it's at the Y.
Gotta run and get 7yoDS to his game and take my sorry butt to the Y.
We explained that wasn't true and he has since spent 2 nights with his dad. Tonight was supposed to be his night, but he let 7yoDS take his place and he'll take Friday and Saturday. Of course, I'm thinking "when's my turn?" 
. I told him b/c I love him and I wouldn't do that to him. I'm wondering what these people think is going on between us! Anyway, he talks so calmly and patiently, all the time saying he doesn't mind my questioning because he doesn't want me to be "on the spear of my anxieties" of this. I wish I could feel his concern was motivated by love and not guilt or distancing; I just end up coming away from these times with a sinking feeling in my stomach and a huge case of the blues.
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I just really want my marriage to work. We were happy together once, you know? I still can't believe we're going through this. Everyone thought we had the perfect marriage. He even said that if this happened to us, it can happen to anyone.