welcome to my nightmare

[runningoutoftime]

As I said before it's okay to do nice things, and be nice... in fact you may even like yourself better knowing you are nice!!!! I LOVE that you wrote that letter to your wife. Now, the trick is not to expect a darn thing from her. Just accept that she will do what she does because she can't yet appreciate what an amazing guy you are. Hopefully she'll wake up sooner than later to realize that. In the meantime work on continuing to be a great guy and don't worry about her words or reactions. Consider her hormonally challanged at this time in her life (and keep in mind most women are so if you can learn to detach and deal with the one you have now you'd probably be better prepared if things change in the future).

Another thing to keep in mind... sometimes it takes months (and even years ) to melt an iceberg. Sadly, it can be a very slow process. But don't consider it wasted time. Consider it an opportunity for you to work on being a better, more patient, more wonderful guy, dad, friend, etc... No matter where your marraige goes you are not losing anything if you are working on yourself, being a great husband (even if she doesn't appreciate it or realize that!) and enjoying your son.

Yes, weirdly, I am with my husband. He finally "woke up" and told me he wanted to stop the divorce. I didn't think we'd get back together because he's a pretty determined person who makes a decision and doesn't change his mind and he was CERTAIN he wanted to divorce me..... I chose the name Runningoutoftime because the divorce had been filed and I felt like I was on a time clock to get him to question his decision (that was my first goal!).

By the way, when I used to leave "extra cookies" or little notes thanking my husband for a bill he paid, or cleaning the pool, or whatever.... he would never acknowlege them. He held onto the anger and meanness as long as he could... but eventually my niceness did win him over. I think they don't trust it in the beginning. They think you're doing it to get something back.When you can do it without expecting anything.. well, that's a real gift.

It's kind of like when I sometimes buy coffee for the person behind me in line at the drivethru coffee place. I don't know them, they don't know me, I don't leave my name or expect anything in return. I'm just some stranger doing something unexpectly nice for someone else. It only costs me a couple dollars but maybe I've made someone's day a little nicer. Live like that....

[Dr LOve]

Thanks ROOT.

I know it is going to take time. And I don’t expect anything from her right now. But….. She is giving little things. Like today she called to let me know what the mechanic said about her car and to talk about our son playing fall ball. Something that could have waited until she got home. She has not called me to just talk in soooo long. When she has been going shopping she has been buying things that I’m the only one in the house eats.
And it does feel good working on being a better, more patient, more wonderful guy, dad, friend, ET. In the past I did do things for my W because I felt I HAD to. Now I am doing things because I want to. As for the “hormonally challenged” My W is 53 and she has been going through meno for the last 5 yrs. (That’s another book that needs to be made. “WHAT MEN NEED TO KNOE ABOUT MENOPAUE”)

All I wanted was a little crump that things are SLOWLY working. And I think I got it. I’m in a frame of mind of dating. I wouldn’t come on strong to a woman I just met. Baby steps

Thanks for being a success story. There are too many sad ending posts here. I hope one day that I too can came back and help others with my success story.
As for my goal: I want my W to want to come back. Not come back because she feels obligated.


Husband

[runningoutoftime]

Oh, I saw the play Menopause!!!! If you haven't seen it it's definitely something to go to with a group of middle-aged women or their spouses. Really funny!

I think you are successful if you can grow, become a better person, and avoid bitterness regardless of where the relationship goes.

It sounds like a wee bit of friendship with your wife, and at this time after all that you've both been through, that's a good place to be. Little tiny steps...

"Coming back" is too general a goal.
You need small, realistic, specific ones.

[Yoyowife]

Husband,
I like your plan. It sounds like you are taking it slow. Patience is a must, something that I have been short on at times. You are remain calm and patient, a definite plus. Hang in there.

[Dr LOve]

having a bad day. this shall pass. Need to get off work and get busy aroundthe house to get my mind off things. Not feeling all that confident today. As my W would say: "I really don't know why"

Husband

[Yoyowife]

Husband,
I too get antsy sometimes. Everthing will be going fine and then wham it hits you. How are you today? Feeling better today? Any plans for the Memorial Weekend?

[Dr LOve]

Yoyo

Thanks for asking I’m doing better today. Everyone’s sitch is different. Some like lostmybfriend have H’s that are not around and don’t want to talk. Some like mcojh W’s just act crazy.
Mine she acts like everything is ok as long as we are not intimate and no R talks. I think we are making progress. She mentioned at our one and only C session that she feels she was the one that always took care of business such as making reservations, preparations of stuff and the like.
My son mentioned at dinner about a week ago he wanted to go see the Winchester house in Santa Clara. My W said she would like to also. I asked her if she wanted me to make it so and she said yes. So I went one better and made reservations at a hotel so we can go see the Winchester house on one day and the next go to an amusement park. (Paramount’s great America). She seem exited about going to the park looking it up on the web and stuff. She was in her mom’s car yesterday and it broke down. I went to pick her up. She asked if she should call AAA. I asked do you want me too. She said yes and I did.
Twice a year I get a big bonus from my company. I usually put it down on bills. My W said I should buy a lap top computer.
My W has a degree in computer programming. She went on line picked all of the upgrades and is going to order it for me. She wants me to get it before my son and I leave for our father son week vacation in June.
So you can see there are plenty of positives going on. It’s just no talk about what is going on. She is seeing a C. (well I really don’t know but she has seen her at least once). See right here is an example of not trusting her.
I will be away for a week next month. The OM lives out of state but I have had this planed for some time. So there was time for them to plan to meet. I have a friend that I have told just a little about my problem to and she said I should just come right out and ask her if they plan on meeting. But I am uncoftertable with this. I want to try to build trust again. We have gone out on 1 “date” It was really nice. I little uncomfortable at first but it was nice. I wrote her a thank you letter with an envelope and paper in her favorte color. I mailed it.
I get home first so I saw it in the mail and I put it on the counter with the there mail. I had to take a movie back and when I got home my W was there. I noticed she had gone through the mail and my pink letter was gone. She didn’t say a word about it. She was not acting mad or real happy just ok. I checked all the trash can inside and out for the letter and didn’t see it. (I even looked in he underwear drawer.) I have stopped looking. But now my mind starts working over time. Is she waiting for the right time to say she wants a D or is she waiting for the right time to say she is sorry? I feel she is holding back her feelings but which is it? Hate for me or love?
Too much thinking.
Even after writing all of this I am still feeling pretty good. Last Saturday we had our 1st date. This Saturday I am going out again but this time with my buddy. I have been going out every Saturday night since this started. I hardly ever went out before this happened but I’m trying to GAL. I am also trying to stay positive around her. I never talk about the OM. I am trying to give them nothing to talk about. I have not looked at the phone log in 3 weeks so I don’t know how much or if they are still talking. My W had a PA. It was with an old MARRIED boy friend she went out with before we got married. One thing she did say during our C session was it would not have gone that far if she didn’t have feeling for him in the past.
The funny? Thing is
I know this guy. He hurt her really bad emotionally before we got married. I think deep down his hurt is why she has never really opened up to me during our 16 yrs. And now she goes back to him. I feel he is using her for an out of state lay. He’s married.

Ok I vented enough
And I still feel good

Agian yoyo Thanks for asking
Husband

[Yoyowife]

Husband,
I have read so many books, so I forget where the info I'm talking about comes from so bear with me. The book said that affairs worsen with secrecy. If you want to work on your marriage tell your spouse about your feelings for the OP. I think that is what she did. She is taking time to figure out her feelings and it seems like she is working on your marriage. I think this book I got this info was "Hope for the Separated" or "When Your Mate Wants Out". I got both books from Amazon.

[Dr LOve]

yoyo

Speaking of book’s I went to a little book store. It was closing in10 mins the sales guy told me this and I was a little depressed and maybe he sensed it. Anyway I told him I was just looking and to tell me to leave when he is ready. I was looking around and he came up to me and asked what I was looking for I told him a self help book on marriages. He walked me over to the book shelf and pulled out a book “the five languages of love” it’s about how some people need touch to now they are loved some need to be told, some need quality time. Anyway he told me this really helped him with his wife. He said here why you don’t just take it. Marriages are an important thing. He gave me the book. Is that some kind of sign from god or what?
I’m half way through it.
When you said:
If you want to work on your marriage tell your spouse about your feelings for the OP. I think that is what she did. She is taking time to figure out her feelings and it seems like she is working on your marriage.

Did you mean you think my wife telling me about the OP? And she may be working on her feeling and our marriage?

husband

[Yoyowife]

Yes, they said once the affair is out in the open there is a much better chance to work things out. There was an example about a woman running into an old flame and reigniting feelings for him. She was honest and told her H. She said instead of keeping these feelings to herself and thinking about him she was able to ward off the relationship going any further. Your situation just reminded me of that. I see that as a positive. Just keep doing the things you are do to support her and show her you love her.