I feel like the hunchback in 300. I'm trying to stand but I just can't get that shield high enough.
Had to talk to W reference some financial things; bills and such that I need her to take care of if she has time.
She sounded down as well. I know this isn't easy for her by any means. She was sniffling some and we all know what out S sounds like when they have been or are crying yet trying not to let you know they are.
I only asked if she was okay, conciously putting myself in friend mode. This is how I would treat a friend, ask and then listen if they choose to say something or leave it alone if they don't feel like it. She said nothing was bothering her, just allergies or something. Okie dokie.
I had a weird breakdown earlier. I was going to the bathroom, (I know, TMI but I gotta journal somewhere), and there is a co-worker next to me, I turn and start to flush the urinal when something about his shirt reminded me of my D9s softball shirt and the picture she just put on her myspace of her in her uniform ready to rock the local softball scene.
I freakin started crying. Where the heck did that come from? I saw the shoes and it hit me like a baseball bat in the gut, her world will be turned upside down because of this crap. She is so content, just being a kid and while she might know that mom and dad argue sometimes, she has no idea how dramatically things could change if W goes through with this.
Fortunately he was cool about it, just asked if I was okay, he was kind of stunned, I said yeah man. He asked if it was related to things at home, I said yup. He just said, "we all go through it, you'll be okay, there is a lot of tail out there for a guy like you to chase".
Laughed a bit, got myself together and went back to the office.
What a ride. I can't believe I let myself break. It's got to be from not sleeping, eating and taking care of myself properly. I'm injured as well, have been since January. That is messing with my head as well, waiting to see if I will need surgery, going to physical therapy, not to sound like a total baby but I'm in pain most of the day that I am awake because of this injury. I can't do a lot of the things that keep me feeling like me. I'm stuck working at a desk until I'm cleared from the injury. I can't do any of the sports I love, I can shoot hoops with my kids, or ride bikes, but even that has to be wussed down or I will aggravate the injury. That's just a boatload of fun for my kids. We had a great snowboarding trip planned for after the SuperBowl, we had to cancel because the kids didn't want to go if I couldn't participate and there was no way I could, my knee was swollen 5 inches bigger than the other one at that point. We had other things planned for warm weather but same thing again, they don't want to go if I can't play. I told them I am more than happy to watch but they said it's just not the same and they will feel bad for me. It's cool that they are sensitive/nice like that, but I really wish they would just go, I'm content to watch, shoot I could watch them have fun all day, it lifts me to see them happy. Anyhooo, that is a totally separate issue, I think.
I'm reading through frank_d's thread where Sven, COG and Frank are talking about unconditional love. I guess that is the challenge facing me now.
One side of me says, I won't leave until I get a court order telling me to leave. I will be there for everything humanly possible involving my kids. I'll set up a cot in the basement, sleep on the floor of one of the kids rooms, whatever it takes to give her the 'separated' feeling she believes that she needs. I can't allow their world to be smashed because of this. I won't be abused but I would willingly sleep in the garage if that is what it would take to make this work and for my kids to be okay.
It's been a few days and all I can say is, things just are.
Don't know any other way to describe them. W fluctuates between overt hostility and being genuinely civil, almost nice. Sometimes within the same paragraph so to speak.
Sunday I was sitting with D5, (as of today, D6), I got up to get her something to drink and W comes over and sits where I was sitting. I brought D6 her drink and say to W, "hey you stole my spot". Instant fire. W glares at me and then proceeds to start moving things that were set on the couch, comforter and pillows, in a huff while moving. I said, hey I was just joking with you.
W's response was, "I don't want to joke with you". A few minutes later the kids are all getting outside to play and we are preparing to leave for D11's softball game, W says, "I don't want to joke with you, I don't want to makeout with you, I just don't". I said, okay. W says, "you can't even go 2 days without something." I said, what do you mean? W says, "last night you tried to hold my face and make me kiss you more, some deeper kiss or something, I don't want to, get it?"
I looked at her for a minute, debating whether to even try. Screw it. I said, look, how many times have I touched your face while kissing you? Additionally, it was completely dark in our room, I was trying to make sure I was on target to kiss you goodnight, as soon as I kiss you, you start ripping your head around like your choking or something, I don't know what you thought. I wasn't doing anything, that much I do know.
Then I shut up. She continued to make comments and glare. Whatever man. Seriously. I'm doing my best to just agree. Not fight about anything. Whatever she says, just agree. Let her say what she wants. Some of it is so far off base it's insane.
Just venting here for a minute. This morning I was asked by FIL if I had changed the pin number on our ATM. Of course not. I told him that a few weeks ago W had called and asked the same thing as the ATM/Debit card kept getting denied, the screen would say it didn't recognize the PIN. Well, a couple of hours later it's working again, seems it was a computer glitch. This whole time W has let the inlaws believe that I changed the PIN so she couldn't access our account. W called them to bitch, but didn't bother to call back and let them know W was WRONG. I told FIL, you know it's a joint account right? I can't take her name off of it without her permission/knowledge, I would imagine the same would apply to changing PINs and such. Funny thing is, W and I took the kids for ice cream the other night, guess what? My card did the same thing. I didn't know W had told the inlaws this and left them believing this crap. I said to W, hey look it's doing that PIN thing again, I just used it when we got here, now 45 minutes later its saying the PIN is not recognized...
W said, "that's weird". Yeah, now call everyone that you bitched to, accusing me wrongly, and tell them you screwed up, so sorry, he isn't the evil overlord after all. I guess I'm glad I didn't know at that time that she had put that out there and left it. It probably would have bothered me enough to say something. Particularly now knowing that for the last few weeks they have been walking around thinking I changed the PIN so W can't access our joint account?!
Anyway, it seems that just not arguing is working to some degree. It is at the least making things more peaceful.
The insanity continues though I'm not complaining. Sunday, after her rant/venting, I go upstairs to chill a bit, lying on the floor of our bedroom watching some TV, waiting to leave for the game. W comes in, shuts the door and says, "we can do stuff if you want to". I said, of course I want to.
Again, I'm not complaining yet I have to admit to thinking, "who are you?" Seriously.
Today is my D6 birthday. I had to leave before she was up. W decides to give her presents to her without me. That torqued me right off, I have to admit. W couldn't wait until after school and I get home? It bothered me, I just responded with, how did she like it? and saying it was cool that she opened her presents. In that I only said, "very cool, did she like it?"
Left it at that. My disappointment will just have to be my problem for now.
One last thing to get out of my system. We are down to one car for now. While on the phone with her about D6 birthday, I told her that we have to plan something different for tomorrow. I was going to ride back with her after her IC appointment but I have a physical therapy appointment. This is only a problem because if she waits for me to get out, our D9/6 will be home alone for an hour. That can't happen. W was at lunch with MIL, so I said, I'll let you go, we can talk later so we can figure this out. W's response? "I don't have to figure anything out, bye".
Are you kidding me? I was so pissed, I wanted to call back but I didn't. I can't believe it. This is nuts, it really is. How about this, I have to get to work, I need the car. Deal with it.
Now you have something to figure out.
Just for one day, I would love to be a outright, blatant jerk. Just for one day. Problem is, I think it would be addictive.
Yeah sometimes it seems they have been replaced with an alien..... and the things they say are just ludacris....
I have never posted to you before but read this post and ~wow~ she sure is testing you. All I can say is you have the patience of a SAINT! Take care and God bless.. Hope this week is better for you!
I have never posted to you before but read this post and ~wow~ she sure is testing you. All I can say is you have the patience of a SAINT! Take care and God bless.. Hope this week is better for you!
Thank you Alimari. That is an interesting way of framing this and I must keep in mind. This is a test. I believe that to some degree, whether she is concious of this or not she is testing me, challenging me. I really believe this because in the past when I have backslid its almost an "AHA!" moment for her as she pounces on the opportunity to say to me, "see, I knew you didn't really change, I knew it".
Saint? I feel more like a Knight of the Crusades. I've been so wrong in how I was with her and my children that my only path to salvation is through this Crusade.
Well, after a couple weeks of relative peace, another blowout sort of.
W called and wanted to meet for lunch as she was going to be in the town I work in for her IC session. I said sure.
We have lunch, seems to be going well and at the end she mentions going out Thursday night with her friends and then Saturday night as well. I'm biting my tongue. Our bank account is stretched to the point of screaming right now and any time I say we can't do that, she chalks it up to my controlling, manipulative ways. So I have been focusing on agreeing. Don't disagree is my mantra, literally.
I try to divert from the money issue and I ask who is playing Saturday. W mentions a band that we both really like, I say cool I'd love to see them. W says, "can you just go and it not be that I'm trying to restart anything because I just don't have it in me to try anymore".
All I can think is, what the F-ever, I'm so sick of this crap. I haven't done anything like going to see a band or anything in weeks, if not months now due to trying to make our finances stretch. If me staying in frees up $10 or $15 extra for stuff with the kids, so be it. Meanwhile she lets me know that she hasn't "done anything in a while". Okay, the last 2 weekends she has stayed home, after going out every weekend for the last 2 years. Bravo. Good job. Oh, I forgot, that's my fault she went out because she just had to be away from me.
I'm keeping this all inside though. I'm seriously biting the tip of my tongue off at this point. I say, look, I totally understand and accept your thoughts and feelings on this matter. I'm not trying to force anything to happen and I think my actions over the last 2 months show that I am not trying to make anything happen for you. I have left you alone and given you as much space as humanly possible for 2 people living in the same home. I just happen to really like them and think if we are reasonable about spending we both can probably go and have fun.
W goes into a 20 minute diatribe about how she just can't, she is okay with calling it, she just wants to be out, gone, done. She didn't say the D word, everything but. I finally said, 'Listen, I don't want this yet I respect your feelings in wanting it. I have tried to make myself the best option..." W interrupted me with, "being with you isn't the only option", I said, 'I know that and I never said that, I said I have tried to make myself the best option for all of us, yet I know you don't feel that way and I have to respect that. I'm not and haven't in a long time, tried to talk you into staying or anything like that. I've tried to make things peaceful so that if you were indeed watching and waiting you would see that things can be at least mellow. I know you have nothing to give and don't even want to try to find the will to try. I've heard you loud and clear". W said, "no you haven't, just the other night you said, what kind of job are you going to get.., that was real sweet, where was all the things you say about me being able to do anything huh? That was what you really think". I had to think about what in the world she was talking about. I finally remembered, I had said to her, when she was telling me that as soon as she can get a job she is going to file and the only way she would consider staying is if she could get a job that allowed her to be away from our home, (traveling), 90% of the time. I remembered just sitting there letting her vent and I DID say what kind of job are you going to get, when she interrupted me and started going off. I told her, 'you didn't let me finish, what I would say and do say is what I think. You are very intelligent, nice and people really like you, you could do anything but, where are you going to get a job that will let you be here in the morning when the kids go to school, when they get home, available for all their functions that you do now, additionally the church activities for them and your particapation in worship team and all of that.., what job is going to say, go, do all of that and whenever you can give us a few hours.., here is a wheelbarrow full of money'. That's what I was going to say and that is what I think. Everything is going to change, no doubt about it.
With that, I stood up and told her I had to get back to work.
Walked her to her car and ended up having to get in the car for a second due to a senior citizen pulling into the parking space next to us. While sitting there she accused me of messing with her. I, stupidly, said, 'what do you mean'. W said, "you ask me if it's okay if you stay at the house while you recover from your knee surgery and then just now you mention that if you have to move you need to get on the ball as June 1 is just around the corner, that is messing with me". I said, 'I wasn't messing with you, maybe I was hoping against hope that in 2 or 3 more weeks, you would still be willing to watch and wait. Maybe by then you would see that things are still peaceful and during the time of my recovery they are again peaceful and after while you realize it really is different. No, I wasn't messing with you. I was hoping but now I am not, now I am realistic.'
I got out of the car and left. Enough already.
With that, I went back to the office and fired off the financial agreement I typed up several days ago. Sort of like Sven and Heywyre mentioned, if this is the way it's going then let's begin to hash this out. Enough is enough. I can't keep sweating over finances with someone that just wants to spend like a drunken sailor or more appropriately, a sorority sister. Party on someone elses dime. I need to know that my kids are secure, their future is paid for and they have what they need.
I'll post a copy of the e-mail shortly.
She opened it after I got home. To say that her response was hostile is an understatement. She said, "if you think I'm losing this house, you're crazy, I'm getting a lawyer, you want to go this route, I'm getting a lawyer". With that she literally stomped upstairs to our room, slammed and locked the door. Much banging and crashing. Shortly after, she left for church without a word to me, I was outside with the kids that are staying home. D11 is going with her. She was ice cold.
One side of me thinks; crap, what have I done now? The other side thinks; you've been telling me for months that this is what you want, even when I give you everything else you want, you still have to remind me that as soon as you can get it together, you're out of here. That's sort of like the school bully telling you that they are going to kick your ass on Friday at 3, then being surprised because you hit them in the back of the head with a bat while they are standing at the urinal on Thursday. If you say you're going to knock the crap out of me at such and such a place at a certain time and there is no way for me to avoid it even if I'm not there, you will find me...., then excuse me if I find you first, at a time that is better for me.
There is roughly $_____.00 available each month, no taxes withheld at this point. I will need to start taxes asap as this will be held solely against me next year. Previous tax bills will probably be my sole responsibility unless contested.
The collection agency wants approximately $_____.00 for the van, in one lump sum payment.
Credit cards, I don't know about those.
House, utilities, the car and other bills coming due in June, I understand paying half as I was here in May. After that, I think child support and alimony cover my financial responsibility, approximately 50-55% of my gross pay. Unfortunately, I have to be able to pay for my housing, food and utilities as well. Obviously, if the court orders me to pay more than I will and I want to help as much as possible, yet I still have to be able to move on with my life.
I'm willing to keep you on my insurance as long as Human Resources allows, unless you get better coverage and it would be better for you to drop mine. Not a problem as I fully understand the savings through insurance on the thyroid and migraine meds might be better through another policy or company.
As far as the house goes, if you can keep it, I'm all for that. I would rather the kids keep their rooms, neighborhood, 'culture' so to speak. If you think you can't though, we need to get it on the market asap, and for a below market price simply to avoid foreclosure. I have looked for other options and there simply are none. The market is extremely weak for a house like this in this area now as the competition of brand new semi-custom homes is just too great. I really hate for this to happen for so many reasons, yet this is where we are. After being in default twice in the last year, __________ told me that they will start foreclosure the next time it even looks like default.
Regarding the sale of the house, we will need to work out some sort of agreement re; furniture, dishes, etc. We could have an open house/moving sale, leave everything where it is and just let people come in and bid. Another suggestion was to have an auction. They will handle everything and there will probably be a larger turn-out, ie; more stuff sold, as there is this whole culture based around auctions. This way we both walk away with a lump sum, obviously 50/50, and avoid any need for storage, moving or the process of dividing things up. This also leaves us out of the bartering end of things, it will be easier for the auctioneer to sell our stuff as they have no emotional attachment.
I think that's just about everything. The small stuff such as paying for the kids participation in sports, and things like that we can take on a case by case basis until there is a court order. I'm really not sure how that is considered, whether that is part of the support payment or something else. Again, I do want to help as much as I can and I think my track record over the years has been to put myself aside to provide for my family. I will continue to do that as much as possible yet I still have to maintain a separate home so the funds simply will not be available as before.
In June I will probably have surgery on my knee. Due to the nature of the injury, and the amount of physical therapy I have done, my recovery is an unknown. It could be 3-5 days before I can get around. After that the doc anticipates a 4-6 week physical therapy prescription. All in all, I should be up and running by mid July and recovered by August. I only share this so you understand it will be some time before I'm able to hustle any overtime or work sidejobs. Once I can hustle again, this will of course increase the dollar amount of your percentage.
As always, this is just my thoughts on the matter and I look forward to hearing yours so we can start to work towards an amicable settlement. Realistically, I think we should consider filing Chapter 13, either individually or together. I know I will most likely have to file personal bankruptcy, (chapter 13), or face garnishment due to the van, credit cards and taxes.
I am sorry for everything and have hoped, prayed and wished that things would go differently.
I'm doing LRT now. She said the magic words, "I'm getting a lawyer".
One side of me wants to go into panic mode, I really kicked the hornets nest this time. I want to call her and tell her I love her so much and I would do anything to make things right.
The other side of me says, okay then, do what you have to do. You've been talking about it for a long time. Do it. I can't make you love me, to quote Bonnie Rait.
One more thing. Last night she was very cold when she got home, whatever. Like I expected anything else?
After getting the kids in bed she started talking about going to see a reggae band tonight and if I can get a ride home in time to get my girls from softball, get them home and settled and then meet W at the club to see the reggae band??
Aren't I the person you just spent another day telling them how much you can't, won't and don't want to be with them?
I guess my question is, should I go? Is it possible that this is the side of her that she doesn't want to show to me or let out? The possibility that this is the side of her that wants things to work if they can?
I'd like to keep the road to reconciliation open. I really don't know where to go here.
Just got off the phone with W. She said I've known about this night for a couple of weeks now, I knew this was the plan. If I want to go, then go, just as long as I know this doesn't mean we are starting over.
I said, I'm looking for an apartment, I'm trying to reach some sort of financial agreement with you, I'm moving on. What part of that stuff is saying to you that I think you want to start over? She said, "history would tell me different".
I'm not sure if she meant my history of not leaving when she asks me to, of not pursuing a separation when she says we need too.., I really don't know what she was talking about. Maybe it was my history of thinking that anything she does like this is some glimmer of hope for OR?
I didn't bother to ask what she meant as I'm not doing the R talk. I just agree. It still freaking hurts though. Thinking about my kids again today got to me. The attorney said I will probably end up with a every-other weekend and once a week visitation agreement if she goes through with this. W has said she wouldn't be a jerk about it, who knows.
Since, I've been there so I can share the experience. Back in January of '06 I was a mess. I really saw my M as over. However at one point, after a couple 2x4s from some friends here, I pulled up the bootstraps and I told myself that for now, that the goal is not winning my W back. I had a strategy. So here was my strategy: I'm going to become the best man I can be.
Note, my strategy was NOT saving the M or walking away from it - but instead I said to myself that in ORDER to save my M or to survive a D, I NEEDED to be the best man I could. In order to do that, it meant that I stopped looking at my shortcomings, and focus on the opportunities in front of me toward getting to that goal. For me it was simple and obvious - GAL - lose the weight, change the wardrobe, be closer to my kids. Some however, were not - like don't be hurt that the wife is cheating on you, telling you it is over...etc.
But it came to me one day, that I had no control over those things (the cheating and leaving), so instead, I focused on being me and using and enjoying the "opportunities" as they arose. Examples.... As much as we too were stretched financially, if my W asked me to come out, I would go out and use it as an opportunity to show her the new man I was becomeing. The opportunity - if I go out and meet her and her friends (or family) and I'm dressed to the nines and I'm outgoing and attractive - the friends "empathy" for my W's decision takes a chink in its armor. I was told by W that SEVERAL of her friends - all "supportive" of her decision would ask "tell me again why your d-ing this guy". Now, after W would again tell them why, it did create an opening - and keep the ambiguity GOING until your changes are proved permanent - that takes time and patience. So, dress yourself up, put on the biggest smile and get out there with W and friends (or W alone, whatever). Looking back, I would not have always waited until she asked me, but instead I would have framed it as "I'm going to go see X band on Friday, why don't you join me." I've FINALLY started doing this in my "new" M now with great result.
So, back to goals and strategy. What is yours? If it is to win your W back, its a worthy goal - but you are gating yourself. What I am saying is while a great goal, how do you keep the focus on "self preservation" and improvement. If you focus there, understanding that you might, but there is a VERY good chance that you WON'T win your W back, then you become much more resiliant I think. That is where I got my mind. I put a future focus and path in front of me - and just walked that path. Sometimes that meant I needed to slow down and look back and see if the W was following - and if not, slow down. That meant I needed to do all that I could do to earn her trust (LISTENING skills here!) and the ability to keep my mouth shut - not explain my feelings (that usually hurt her more and pushed her away). Instead, I vented here. But I was always looking for "opportunities".
So, how would you define your life mission, tyler? Regardless of whether you are married or not....then let that be your guide.
Now, regarding the letter - I probably wouldn't have sent it - at least in that form - but no worries - you have put it out there and that is OKAY. I think now, it is best to try and listen to what she is saying, keep empathizing her hurt and don't make it about you. Simple respond that you will do all you can do to work to a fair and equitible settlement should the topic arise. That's not to say that elements of the letter need to be hashed out - like how are you going to pay for the stuff you need to pay for this coming month - that you need to do - but I would caution to avoid elements that explain why you're in the predicament.
But like I said before, now even more so, time to look for opportunites to be the best man you can be.
Okay, I found another cool book through a friend that is helping me improve even more in my R with my W - It's called Hold on to Your N.U.T.s. I'll send you an email tomorrow about, but I think the wisdom in there is priceless. Its an easy read too.
Anyway, I've said a couple of times before, ambiguity on your W's part is perfect - and ripe with opportunity. When she says "trying" something to win her back won't work try agreeing it might look like that, but I'm not doing it for you, I'm doing it for me (tyler). And if she gives you opportunities to be the man you want to be, let her, and take her up on it. And be PATIENT - trust with our S's is slowly destroyed. Regaining it, will take equal, or more time. Trust me, I know....
Hope that helps.
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
