Well, after a couple weeks of relative peace, another blowout sort of.
W called and wanted to meet for lunch as she was going to be in the town I work in for her IC session. I said sure.
We have lunch, seems to be going well and at the end she mentions going out Thursday night with her friends and then Saturday night as well. I'm biting my tongue. Our bank account is stretched to the point of screaming right now and any time I say we can't do that, she chalks it up to my controlling, manipulative ways. So I have been focusing on agreeing. Don't disagree is my mantra, literally.
I try to divert from the money issue and I ask who is playing Saturday. W mentions a band that we both really like, I say cool I'd love to see them. W says, "can you just go and it not be that I'm trying to restart anything because I just don't have it in me to try anymore".
All I can think is, what the F-ever, I'm so sick of this crap. I haven't done anything like going to see a band or anything in weeks, if not months now due to trying to make our finances stretch. If me staying in frees up $10 or $15 extra for stuff with the kids, so be it. Meanwhile she lets me know that she hasn't "done anything in a while". Okay, the last 2 weekends she has stayed home, after going out every weekend for the last 2 years. Bravo. Good job. Oh, I forgot, that's my fault she went out because she just had to be away from me.
I'm keeping this all inside though. I'm seriously biting the tip of my tongue off at this point. I say, look, I totally understand and accept your thoughts and feelings on this matter. I'm not trying to force anything to happen and I think my actions over the last 2 months show that I am not trying to make anything happen for you. I have left you alone and given you as much space as humanly possible for 2 people living in the same home. I just happen to really like them and think if we are reasonable about spending we both can probably go and have fun.
W goes into a 20 minute diatribe about how she just can't, she is okay with calling it, she just wants to be out, gone, done. She didn't say the D word, everything but. I finally said, 'Listen, I don't want this yet I respect your feelings in wanting it. I have tried to make myself the best option..." W interrupted me with, "being with you isn't the only option", I said, 'I know that and I never said that, I said I have tried to make myself the best option for all of us, yet I know you don't feel that way and I have to respect that. I'm not and haven't in a long time, tried to talk you into staying or anything like that. I've tried to make things peaceful so that if you were indeed watching and waiting you would see that things can be at least mellow. I know you have nothing to give and don't even want to try to find the will to try. I've heard you loud and clear". W said, "no you haven't, just the other night you said, what kind of job are you going to get.., that was real sweet, where was all the things you say about me being able to do anything huh? That was what you really think". I had to think about what in the world she was talking about. I finally remembered, I had said to her, when she was telling me that as soon as she can get a job she is going to file and the only way she would consider staying is if she could get a job that allowed her to be away from our home, (traveling), 90% of the time. I remembered just sitting there letting her vent and I DID say what kind of job are you going to get, when she interrupted me and started going off. I told her, 'you didn't let me finish, what I would say and do say is what I think. You are very intelligent, nice and people really like you, you could do anything but, where are you going to get a job that will let you be here in the morning when the kids go to school, when they get home, available for all their functions that you do now, additionally the church activities for them and your particapation in worship team and all of that.., what job is going to say, go, do all of that and whenever you can give us a few hours.., here is a wheelbarrow full of money'. That's what I was going to say and that is what I think. Everything is going to change, no doubt about it.
With that, I stood up and told her I had to get back to work.
Walked her to her car and ended up having to get in the car for a second due to a senior citizen pulling into the parking space next to us. While sitting there she accused me of messing with her. I, stupidly, said, 'what do you mean'. W said, "you ask me if it's okay if you stay at the house while you recover from your knee surgery and then just now you mention that if you have to move you need to get on the ball as June 1 is just around the corner, that is messing with me". I said, 'I wasn't messing with you, maybe I was hoping against hope that in 2 or 3 more weeks, you would still be willing to watch and wait. Maybe by then you would see that things are still peaceful and during the time of my recovery they are again peaceful and after while you realize it really is different. No, I wasn't messing with you. I was hoping but now I am not, now I am realistic.'
I got out of the car and left. Enough already.
With that, I went back to the office and fired off the financial agreement I typed up several days ago. Sort of like Sven and Heywyre mentioned, if this is the way it's going then let's begin to hash this out. Enough is enough. I can't keep sweating over finances with someone that just wants to spend like a drunken sailor or more appropriately, a sorority sister. Party on someone elses dime. I need to know that my kids are secure, their future is paid for and they have what they need.
I'll post a copy of the e-mail shortly.
She opened it after I got home. To say that her response was hostile is an understatement. She said, "if you think I'm losing this house, you're crazy, I'm getting a lawyer, you want to go this route, I'm getting a lawyer". With that she literally stomped upstairs to our room, slammed and locked the door. Much banging and crashing. Shortly after, she left for church without a word to me, I was outside with the kids that are staying home. D11 is going with her. She was ice cold.
One side of me thinks; crap, what have I done now? The other side thinks; you've been telling me for months that this is what you want, even when I give you everything else you want, you still have to remind me that as soon as you can get it together, you're out of here. That's sort of like the school bully telling you that they are going to kick your ass on Friday at 3, then being surprised because you hit them in the back of the head with a bat while they are standing at the urinal on Thursday. If you say you're going to knock the crap out of me at such and such a place at a certain time and there is no way for me to avoid it even if I'm not there, you will find me...., then excuse me if I find you first, at a time that is better for me.
