Need to share. Need to journal. Need some help putting up the mental "STOP" sign on negativity.
We paid bills together today -- always a tense activity (H still under-employed) -- but at least we are doing it together, right?
One good sign.
I want us to go back to sharing one phone line -- our phone at our home -- but H keeps referring to that line as "your phone" and maintains a separate one for himself. Maintains his separate place for himself, too.
Which, if we are together (I think) is a stupid, unnecessary, wasteful, exhorbitant drain on our resources.
Sigh.
I just read HB's post on "Life Lessons" and will now repeat to myself: You cannot control him.
Let go.
You can control only yourself. But some days -- I wonder if I can do that?
Trying...
So after the bills got paid I said to H (with humility not fury) -- "I would like it if we shared the phone line at our house."
He: "Don't go there." End of discussion.
Sigh. That's why I got sad. And started to get mad. Why can't we talk about this?
But instead I changed the subject and we went on with the planned activities -- dog walk, drive into the city together. I put on my "quiet, calm smile" so my surface was smooth. H was cheery, wanted my company.
Count these things as good signs of change, right?
But underneath, my mind is churning, my heart is pounding, and I'm shaking. I want to dump him and be free of the gunk and crap of his restrictions. I want to hit him -- how dare he not listen, not talk to me?...
BRIDGET HONEY, DON'T GO THERE, GRRRRLLLLLLL!!!!
So, trying to get a grip (good thing number three) I say to myself:
-- Look around at the positive things & signs of love between you, there are many, don't dismiss them!
-- Remember you are DB-ing, you have a plan, you are not lost!
-- Realize you also have options, and if things get unbearable, financially or otherwise, you can split everything up, quit your day job, and go live with your wonderful, understanding sisters for a while, taking your doggies along to bother their cats...
Keep your eyes open! See these things too:
-- H didn't want an R talk, but he did want my company
-- On the dog walk he complimented me over and over (I think he sensed my feelings were hurt)
-- He bubbled about how much he enjoys our jamming together (both learning to play the blues) and said we should do it every day and said (I quote) "it's a form of couple's therapy to be able to play music together, more people should do it."
-- He said "I think we're going to make it" and when I mumbled "hope so ... of course no guarantees" he said "I think it pays to be positive."
(Major change in attitude -- notice this!)
-- After he got finished with his meeting he phoned me to see if I made it to work ok, just to say hi, and to let me know how it went.
See, Bridget -- letting go is working.
Don't catastrophize. Don't overreact. Don't push him. Yeah, I may wanna unplug that bleeping phone line symbolically. But I gotta let it go.
And accept OTHER symbols.
Maybe we'll have a new "our song" and will play it together?
Bridget: he will show you that he loves you in his own way, and it will be more authentic that way.
Thanks you all for being the people I know will understand me. And will help me.
Bridget-the-impatient (but thankfully no longer "the impaler")
