How do I know if it is MLC

[bright 2 morro]

I have a dumb question. I just spoke to my H and he gave me an update on what happened at work today. I know that there was talk that they might make him seek counciling. So I asked him if they were going to force him to go. He said probably not but he was planning on it anyway.

What does this mean? If he was in a MLC is it possible he would go on his own? Or is it possible he is not in a MLC at all?

mimi

[fig]

all things are possible with MLC...

not everything measn something else

[Rollercoasterider]

you are second-guessing everything! Many - or even most refuse counseling. Some go. And I don't think it is common that it is a work requirement...BONUS!

But if he's not ready or willing to do the hard work at this point, counselling isn't going to do a lot for him right now anyway--and REplayers aren't ready or willing.

So Hopes High, Expectations at zero--expect and prepare for all scenarios.

As for how long in the shortes does this phase--Replay?--Last.

That is not a question we can answer. There are overlaps in the phases and a Replayer may visit Liminal Depression. One in Liminal Depression may return to visit Replay. It depends on the issues he must work through from childhoos--the degree of wounding.
It also CAN depend on how those around him respond. If you deny his crisis and beg and plead, that can prolong the crisis. Accept and be the soft place for him to land.

But even if I had a numerical answer, I would be hestitant to give it. Your question shows that you are presently focusing on TIME and focusing that it will and should be shorter thatn is standard.

Many--and perhps most posters feel thaty cannot and/or will not be able to wait for the typical MLC timeline. Tough...MLC runs on HIS time, not yours. If I were to answer you, it would only serve to distract your focus toward that unusually short time period.

It is better to Accept whatever...or at least Accept the MLC norm--Figure 18-24 months of Replay, and be happy if it is shorter.

There are few special cases. Yes, we are all unique, but what shocks so many around here is the similarities--TONS. MANY situations and MLC speeches appear identical. Most posters here have kids...many young. They have mortgages and a threat of sale. They have in-;laws turn against them and kick-'em to the curb friends.

Get your life in order. Protect yourself and live for yourself and the kids.

HUGS,
RCR

[bright 2 morro]

Maybe I am second guessing. I guess I will see where the counciling goes. The only reason they could require counciling at work is because of the type of job he has. From what I have heard and what I have seen he is performing less then steller on the job. As I mentioned before he got into enough trouble a few weeks back that he had an investigation against him. This is total not like my H. Always a good guy.

I can tell he is still not happy. Even after this venture out. I was not a good wife yesterday. His cell phone was here and I had to take a look. I read one of the text messages. He was texting her and said "I wish I could tell you how I feel without you getting defensive, no space needed". I guess this tells me that it is not a lovers paradise like I thought. Yes maybe there is the want there but it is not happening all out and seems that it will fizzle out. Only 4 weeks into this R and he is already texting that.

Yesterday was a pretty good day between us. Well I guess under the circumstances. We did not fight and I was able to not get angry when he blamed me for damaging his (our) car. On Wednesday I noticed some new dents on the tailgate (i mentioned it to him). Then yesterday the truck was here and fine, he took the truck for a while and then came back, when I left I noticed very large scratches on the side (i mentioned it to him). He went off on me and said that since I noticed them I must be damaging his car. Now that is pretty funny. I would never do that (after all it is still my car too). I let it slide on by.

He has been pretty good the past few days. Yesterday, when I got back from Girl Scouts he actually took the task of putting our boys to bed and reading a story. Then he read our daughter a chapter in a book they were reading before.

He did walk around here acting as if he wanted to talk about something. I did not push the issue. I just told him if he wanted to talk then I would be here for him. He started to make a comment about how he could not do that because of everything he was doing to me. I just reiterated that I would be here as a friend if he needed it.

I am hoping that this weekend goes well. I leave shortly for a trip and he will have the kids for the weekend. I am a little frightened but not because I think he will abuse them. But because I am afraid he will back off when I get back.

I will only be gone until Sunday morning.

I think it is pretty funny, everytime I ask him to do something it is a big deal and he says "I will need to get back to you on that" The funny part is that I am not sure he can make a decision about something even simple. At first, I thought it was because he needed to check with the OW, but now I think it is because he does not know if he can or wants to and needs it to process.

I will be back sometime later to check on what everyone is saying.

Thank you for everything again. I can not stress how much better I feel from all of your responses.

Keep smiling

Mimi

[bright 2 morro]

Hi All,

It has been a few days since I posted. I went out of town for a few days and left the kids with my H. Of course he went against my wishes and spent the whole weekend with them and the OW and her kid. On Friday night when the kids told me that I asked him not to do that and he did it again on Saturday. When I got home on Sunday he said to me it was inevitable because he was moving in with her that day. Well, that just floors me.

Does he really think that this is a good thing? Only knowing someone a month and moving in with her.

Then on Monday and Tuesday of this week he was crying to me not to move because he was going to miss the kids. Yesterday I signed the papers to sell the house. That was very tough. It made me sick.

He tells me that his intentions were not to go and find someone else. It just happened. So my reply was that he could have said no. Then no response.

I am so sick that someone could even want to do this. He backs out of responsibility any chance he gets. He wants nothing to do with me. I can not even help getting in the cheap shots.

Like today he said something about me making him look bad. My response (yes, a cheap shot) was No I think he was doing a pretty good job on his own.

I think I am pretty much done. I am not sure I can wait the upwards of 2 years for him. Without even any guarantees that he will even want to come back. That is the bad part.

I have a call into the lawyer to proceed on with the legal separation.

Any encouragement is helpful. Why should I wait (while taking care of myself) for that long? Do I not have a right to be with someone that makes me happy?

[Grace_O]

Why should I wait (while taking care of myself) for that long? Do I not have a right to be with someone that makes me happy?

I am standing for my M. While this is a very personal choice, in my case it is not based in religion. I have two D's 14 and 12 and from my perspective I have nothing more important to do for the next 6 years than to raise them. This does not (in my case) include dating. So if this is what I'm doing how can it hurt (and it might even help) to work on a good R with their Dad? Remember the trick here is to be the best you for you (ok, not really a trick) this may help bring you M back together it may not. Do I deserve to be loved and happy? YES. I am well aware that any R (as in the romantic kind) will cut into their time with me and I will not make them pay an additional cost.

I guess a question I would ask is: Is a few months the best you can do for the person you couldn't live without? Granted he's an alien right now. Perhaps it would help to see him as mentally ill (isn't he?), or even if he were physically ill what would you be willing to do then? I know it's not the same and I am not judging you. I play my cards on the table and I know I'm a good friend (in the truest sense of the word), that includes being a bb buddy. If it becomes necessary to protect yourself financially do so. I'm assuming (yes, I know) he isn't violent or abusive, b/c that is a differnt can of worms all together.

We all have our paths to follow and we have to decide which road to take. You will find lots of support here and hopefully some tough questions that will help you along the way.

This is something I KNOW I have to do, I can't explain it. Unfortunately in knowing, I have no idea what I will find at the end, except me. Someone to be cherished.

Just another opinion and I hope it helps some. HUGS

[bright 2 morro]

I can understand and appreciate the comments you made. I guess from my perspective. It seems when I talk to him that it is over over. Then I think about the past 18-24 months and think why do I want to put up with that again. He backed off on a lot and I took over a lot. Then when we had fights he was always right.

I guess when I look back over this time I realize that it was not all that happy. I am afraid to hold out and have it happen all over again in the future. Then I think do I not deserve better than him.

I am not even convinced now that he is going through a Mid Life Crisis. I was at first but now he is slowly starting to talk to his parents and trying to be closer to the kids. He is even trying to be nice to me. Telling me he still cares about me but he is not in love with me anymore. He only set out to get space not find someone else. That just happened.

Then I read the posts hear and stories in books and more often than not they end up marrying the ow and then what I have wasted more of my life holding out for him. He was never like this. Just only over the last few years it got worse and worse.

But what if this is not a MLC but just that he realized we were over? Or if that was the case would he be willing to go to counciling. How do I know he will come back if he will not even tell me why he left in the first place. He just says that he is not going to get into it with me every time I ask him.

After everything he has done (especially the moving in with her)I am not sure that I can live with that. These actions are the worst thing someone can do to deceive someone else. Is it even a forgivable act.

I guess I just feel done with dealing with it. I am tired of him yelling at me when he does not like something I do or say. I am tired of him calling me a b---- and the threats for an all out war, and the hanging up on me. I am so tired of feeling like I am nothing and that our marriage was nothing.

mimi

[bright 2 morro]

Here is another update. I think this is so funny. My H left to find happiness. After he left he found OW. 4 weeks later he moved in with her. I just found out yesterday that he moved in with her at her parents house. Because she does not have enough money to get an apartment either. That is so funny because the thing he said was that is was embarrasing and sad. He had to live that way and I had a big beautiful home to live in.

But this is what he wanted.

I guess there is some satisfaction in this new finding.

[bright 2 morro]

I am having a really bad day. I had plans to go away for the weekend with the kids. Then my H called and asked if he could take them away for the weekend. I told him I already had plans and he told me to cancel them. I fought with this all day. I finally had to give in. uuuuuugggggghhhhhh. Why do I have to give him his way.

I am so done with all of this. I want to rewind the clock and start over eliminating all of this. If I can not even make it through 7 weeks how can I make it 2 or more years.

I miss him so much and love him way to much. I can not be hurt anymore especially since there are no guarantees.

I need to not be lonely anymore. I need someone and he does not want to be it. He just feels like everything he is doing is ok. Because he feels that we were not good together I guess that is it.

At this point I am questioning the whole MLC thing. He is trying to be nice to me just to get what he wants. He still has the ow and thinks he is in love (or maybe he is in love). Not sure how this could happen after 7 1/2 weeks after leaving me and 5 1/2 weeks with her.

Today I am having some pretty tough feelings. I am fighting them but I keep thinking that they are the way to stop this hurt. I know these feelings are wrong for the kids but I do not feel that I can go on like this. (ps. I probably would not act on them).

I also feel like I have nobody to help me through this. Nobody can tell me what to do. All I ever get is "it is your decision to make".

I screwed up with H today. I gave him a somewhat hard time when he asked to take the kids. When I told him yes I should have used different words. But the hurt was showing through. I can not control it. I called him back to apologize to him for not being more enthusiatic about him taking the kids. And then I broke out in tears. He told me he did not want to hear me cry.

WHY AM I SUCH AN IDIOT!!!!!

[bright 2 morro]

Ok he called me again. In ten minutes he called each of my cell phones 3 times(total of 6 calls). Did not leave a message.

I called him back and asked him if he called. He said he did because he forgot to apologize to me for not answering my call earlier. He said he was on a call for work and he was not ignoring my call. He said he did not want to do that anymore.
Then he said that was all. And then he thanked me nicely for letting him take the kids.


What kind of alien is he today?

If he agreed to go to family therapy should I do it? (he did agree). Or should I be leary. Some weird things came out of his mouth today. I asked him if it was just him going this weekend and he said that was something he could guarentee me (weird). Then he said he was trying to get out of the OW parents house and get a place of his own. I then asked if he was going on his own and he said yes(for now).

Between all of this and him really trying to be nice to me. I am not sure what to think.