marriage is awful, but I'm OK

[rhoch]

She saw a counselor a few times a few years ago. We saw a MC about 5/6 times until he suggested that SHE needed to work on some things, even mentioned that he would like to put her on medicaton. We stopped going after that. She said she was done with him. Then after a complete meltdown before a math test she saw an individual counselor for about 5 sessions but then quit going. At the time said it was because she didn't have time during school and she would go back. That was last September. I suspect it was the same thing, the C told her something about working on herself and she quit. A pattern ya' think?

As for your dilemma, I wouldn't get upset if he didn't know. Your getting upset because of your own disappointment not because of something he did intentionally to you. How about this? Mention to him that you had gotten the tickets and why, then say that maybe he would like to go with his brother. Offer him the tickets. If he takes them you are one up in the good deed department, if he doesn't find a friend to go with and have a good time.

[dixiegal]

Thanks Rhoch!

Good sound advice. I did tell him I had the tickets he said he was sorry and etc. That he would come by Thurs. AM. That was last night. Hadnt heard from him today, he is hanging w/brother.

Anyways, Im puzzled at how your W doesnt think she has a real problem. Im assuming she doesnt right? THEY never do. She is still in the home correct? Wow...you are doing great. That is a hard place to be. How long have yall been married? MC suggested to H that he may need meds also. H said no way on that but, still wanted to continue. Does wife have any positive support to assist her?

[rhoch]

We've been married 13 years, together 14 and yes still at home. She won't leave the security I provide until she has a replacement.

W plays the role of the "poor me" victim extremely well, so she can get lots of support, its just all from people who don't really know her or her sister who is in Florida and is almost as screwed up as W is. It doesn't hurt that she is exceptionally attractive so she can get all of the disfunctional male attention she wants.

Its typical of a narcissistic personality that she doesn't take any responsibility for her own garbage. In her mind everything happens to her and is not caused by her. Her favorite term is " I can't" rather than "I won't". That way some unseen force is always preventing her from doing something.

[dixiegal]

Im praying for you, your kids, ill son, and wife. Just know that there a folks out there that care and understand. I think that is what helps me the most.

They say folks like your W and my H have to hit bottom to wake up. But, sometimes I wonder cause, its seems there is always someone there to pick up the slack for them.

[rhoch]

Thats exactly the problem Dixie. They learn survival skills so well that they never really hit bottom. Instead they go through life one tragedy at a time and disappointment after disappointment. I don't think they are ever truly happy and maybe don't have the strength to face the real issues so they can one day be happy. Umfortunately they also take other people along for the ride.

[dixiegal]

Can you hear the echo of the clapping on that one?! Well, I never heard from the H today. which makes me think he is not coming in the AM and is out w/brother doing who knows what. It brings alot of feelings back. I felt that he always put "other" things before us. Its really like someone just came down from the mother ship 2 years ago and took my H. What happens that your going through life and just snap? I mean, I had my own issues dont we all? But, I worked really hard to put my life on track....after hitting bottom. God didnt promise us a easy road. But, sometimes I wish I could get the map on the short way!

[rhoch]

maybe its like excercise. going the easy route gets a lesser return. how's that for a glass-half-full approach?

[rhoch]

Well.....

Life took a turn for the really sucko. I had a conversation this morning with a therapist who specializes in personality disorders. After what i described and things that W has written and done, he is thinks it VERY likely she suffers from narcissistic personality disorder. Bad news although not unexpected. Worse news...the successful treatment rate for NPD is extremely low. Even if the patient understands the problem,they still have a difficult time actually feeling anything outward in a relationship and working through the problems. They may in fact be incapable of feeling true, deep, committed love for another person. He also told me that childhood exposure to a narcissistic parent can lead to severe problems in teenage years and adulthood. He also told me that spouses of NPD patients often have a difficult time letting go. The ultimate co-dependents. Gee, didn't know that one already, lol.

Now where do I go?

[dixiegal]

Im so sorry to hear that...But, also know that he has not treated wife or spoke to her. So, though it may sound etc. You cant diag. a person via phone and etc. You know that your W has serious issues..Your also looking for something to call it and etc. so you have something real to fight??? That way its not all W's fault. I know cause Ive walked in those shoes before.
From reading your thread...It appears that W has some real issues that need treatment.

Is there anyway you could get her to see someone again? Maybe for the sake of the kids. Tell her its not for you its for them? Just keep the faith and dont give up....

[rhoch]

Well, I think thats the plan Dixie. She has said a couple of times now that there are things we need to "sit down and talk about". When we have that talk I think I have to throw out the ultimatum that she seeks help or I am going to petition the court for full custody and we are going to present all of this garbage in court. I know she doesn't want out oldest to hear all of this. The truth is that that might be the final nail in the coffin for our marriage but if it gives the kids a better future the so be it. There is no way we could stay together if she doesn't get help anyway. Soooo, I guess the last straw to grasp at is that if she starts getting treatment because of my threat, the treatments help her take responsibility for her own life and shine a new light on us.

As the C and I discussed, I will never go back to the marriage we had. If we are able to save anything it will be completely different. The woman I see now I barely know and I realize how little I've actually known about her in all of our 14 years together. We would have to literally start all over as two different people and I don't even know if I would like the real person in place of the fantasy person I have loved so deeply for so long.