Remember we are dealing with a man who has W/M, not your average Joe with a normal sex drive towards his spouse. With him, considering his track record "IF" he called her while out of town just a couple of weeks ago the chances are very high he also saw the escort. Not to mention he had promised Heywyre he was going NC with the escort....so even simply talking to her on the phone would have broken that promise.
Ok, so you've been cheated on...that's good info to have thanks for being honest about that, but your attitude towards cheating surprises me somewhat. Cheating is not "normal" for most couples, not in my perception...not in the perception of many people I know either...so I absolutely disagree with that statement. As far as I am aware my current H is the only man I've been in a serious relationship with who has ever stepped across that line, so in my experience it's definitely not normal. I have never cheated on anyone either. My parents haven't cheated (although my dad during a frank discussion told me one time he had almost once), my brother has never cheated, my best friend has never cheated (and believe me if she had she'd have told me). I can't be one of the few people in this world who can think of several people off the top of my head that they know for certainty haven't had infidelity touch their marriage.
COG, you don't have to agree with me, you don't have to agree with Heywyre either....none of us has to agree on anything, but take a look at much of the literature that has been written about reconciling after infidelity (you may have already done so and disagreed with those authors too, Michelle is one of the authors I'm referring to...so is Shirley Glass, heck Dr. Phil too! thought I'd better throw a guy in there for good measure) Right at the top of the list of requirements for someone who has cheated...to regain their wounded spouse's trust, after STOP SEEING THE OTHER PERSON, is COMPLETE TRANSPARENCY. Complete transparency means, handing over usernames/passwords to any internet accounts, handing over cellphone/credit card records, accounting for whereabouts (being where you say you will be). Yes, it is very parental...cannot dispute that, but that's how the trust gets reinstilled in the wounded party. Heywyre's H's cell phone was an instrument for his infidelity and that's why those records are so crucial right now...even if it is to sooth her anxiety. She cannot blindly trust right now, and that's what you are advising her to do...that is asking too much of her right now. HE cheated, these are some of consequences for what he did....and HE as agreed to abide by them. Whether you agree with it or not, he has...and honestly that's what's important.
Total transparency doesn't mean she checks up on him for ever either. It means she verifies what she needs to. FWIW, our own MC sat right across the room from my H after I found out about his cheating and told him "if you want to save your marriage you will have to be willing to do whatever it takes to help heal her. If that means you have to call her 24 times a day, do it. If that means you hand her your cell phone every day when you get home so she can see it, do it. If that means, she needs to put a keylogger on your computer to verify you aren't going to Adult Friend finder any longer, do it. If that means she's your twin and goes with you everywhere...do it, and don't complain about it." I kid you not, straight out a Phd's mouth!
Sounds parental huh? That's because it is. But his willingness to do any &/or all of those things is what has rebuilt my trust in him. I don't find it necessary at all anymore to check up on him or verify things...because he did what I needed to heal, willingly. Heywyere shouldn't continue to monitor things forever (if she did that would be another problem entirely), you do it for a time, then you become willing to try to trust again. When you do that you give opportunities for them to do things without verifying...and the trust slowly returns.
It's too much to ask of someone who has been cheated on recently and repeatedly (like Heywyre has) to say "I want her to summon every ounce of courage, strength and faith to move on with her life, let go the fear, the anxiety, the need to control", basically concentrate on his actions now...forget about what he did in the past"...when she's still so close to the raw feelings infidelity brings.
Sorry, I just wholeheartedly and respectfully disagree with you.
