From: mrschoc.@aol.com Sent: Wednesday, May 23, 2007 8:31 AM To: Eyes, Chocolate Subject: Re: Are you avoiding me??
Choc.,
I honestly don't know what to say anymore. I avoid you around the house? That's not intentional. Maybe it's my avoid unpleasantness thing, I don't know. Maybe it's just easier for me. I have not noticed that our talk-while-in-the-car-line conversations have disappeared. You have been busy with things at work, I know that, and I have been eating lunch on the fly in the car. Maybe that's why we haven't had the talks.
I don't know why you are upset about me not wanting you to go to my dr. appointment with me. I went to the last one by myself, it's really no big deal. I didn't ask (D18). I thought she was asking because she didn't want to stay home, so I offered, I knew she wouldn't go. Choc., I am not the same person I used to be. Neither are you. My life feels different now, and I'm trying to cope with these changes. People change over time, and we are no different. I am in a place right now, where I feel I am growing as a person and trying to accept certain changes in my life. I have been a stay at home mom for a lot of years. And I wouldn't have traded it for the world. But now, I'm starting a new chapter in my life. I'm not just Mrs. Choc. - wife and mother anymore. I have a new career (one which is not easy, even if you might think it is). I'm trying to get that started. I'm trying to be more independent. I'm really trying to grow as an adult. I feel like I have depended on people for a long time, and now I have to be my own person. I lived with my parents until we got married, then lived with you. I don't feel like I ever had my independence. And now I'm 46 and I still in some ways feel like a child. So, in some small way, maybe that is why I want to go to the dr. by myself.
If I'm quiet lately, it's because I have a lot on my mind. I internalize and try to fix things in my own brain. Maybe this is what you are seeing. When we went to lunch, I told you I don't know how I feel. I'm searching my heart right now, and I don't have any answers. Believe me, if I did I would tell you. The last thing I want is to torture you with silence. We have had such a non-marriage relationship for so long, that I just don't know how I feel anymore. I've already agreed to see a MC, which as you know is something I don't agree with, but I'm doing it. I honestly cannot tell you what's in my heart right now, and I'm not going to say something to just make you feel better. That's not fair to you. We've been together for a long time, and have 4 kids together. We have a history and a familiarity and sense of family together. But, unfortunately we let the marriage part slip for a lot of years and just became mom and dad, not Choc. and Mrs. Choc., husband and wife AND mom and dad. I can't predict whether we can get the husband and wife thing back again, it's been a very long time. We have not been good at balancing things, be it having fun, happiness or togetherness. I just feel a need to be happy right now and enjoy my life. I've seen (more times than I wish) that life is too short to always carry a sense of sadness or unhappiness in your heart. I'm sure you want the same. We haven't had that in a long time.
I wish so bad I could just say "hey everything is going to be just fine", but I can't. And this hurts me to not be able to just fix it. But like I said at lunch, we have done this so many times, and we always come back to this same place, that I CAN'T do this again. Emotionally this has drained me over the years. I'm trying to be very careful with my words and my thoughts, because IF we fix this, this will be the last time. If this happens again, I honestly cannot do it.
I can't give you any answers before you go to Chicago. This is a situation we BOTH created (or allowed to happen). It is important to me to try to figure out if there is something to save. I'm not just giving in, like I said earlier, we owe it to the kids to figure this out, and they are EXTREMELY important to me.
I'm sorry this is so long, but this is what's in my heart. I'll talk to you when I get back from the dr.
