If you are dealing with some one who has narcissistic tendencies, then escalation will only make things worse. A true narcissist is completely void of the ability to empathize with others. You H is only concerned with his feelings. When he goes on the defensive, he shuts down and attacks, in his own way. You do the same so you know what I am talking about.
When you let yourself be vulnerable and expressed your hurt, you did not attack, so his defenses were not up, and the extreme hurt you expressed was able to register on him. You detachment, strong boundary statement may have told him you have reach the end of the line. I think this is what he has been looking for all along, even though that may be sick, controlling, unhealthy, whatever. He finally saw you give up the fight. I think he “got it” and felt guilty. Apology is NOT something you will get from a narcissist, so instead he offered that comment on you looking “hot.”
I think this could have been a true break through moment for your M, if you and he can build on this vulnerability and not re-escalate. If you can keep from triggering his defenses so your hurt can keep getting through to him, he may be able to start to feel some empathy for you. Just be sure not to challenge his control, for that seems to set him off. He needs a lot of work. Getting him into counseling means that he needs to feel how much he hurt you. He will never, ever allow himself to feel that hurt if he is angry and defensive.
I personally think you are getting to understand your H very well. I think your understanding of how you and he react is serving you to stay focused and on track. Although you want to tell him to f*ck off, I hope you see than confronting him will only create escalation. Confrontation with a bully works if that bully has never had to face boundaries. It does NOT work with a narcissist. Go ask Vbube. He has the wife diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. See how well confrontation works with her. It doesn’t. All he and his kids can do is ignore her and go about thier own business. You state that you don’t want to go down that road, but work on the M. So you have a limited set of options to get there. Evaluate them wisely. And again, that’s just my GD POV.
