Man, you are a saint. I can't believe $21,000 in "wants"! I am glad you are back with her. If I was still in my apartment, I would be depressed beyond words. Separation is awful, and I imagine divorce is worse. I don't know how people make it through it. I, like you, do not have a wie network of friends. Our friends were my friends. I am glad I am way far away at this point, other than missing my kids. Now, I send her checks. D16 is getting help, so it's her and the 2 other kids in the same house, "wanting for nothing. I need virtually no money here. No clothes, food, beer......nothing. I will start a savings deposit plan in Iraq. You can put up to 10K away at 10% interets while in theater. Best wishes. I will try to continue to be patient. Based on your situation, you never know what can happen
Hi Mark I have been doing a lot of reading and I would suggest you turn the negative thoughts around to good ones. The reason being is that the negative thoughts will start to control your actions and words without you knowing it. Also, could you work out a deal on the car, if she gets this car, then that is it for a while on the big purchases? Or get her to help with the money matters so she can see where the money goes and how the car purchase would effect those finances. Above all though, stay positive about her, see the good in her and let her know what you see. Stick with her and talk it through, let her get her feelings out and support her. Look at from every possible angle, a car purchase is cheeper than a divorce, in money and emotional pain. I know all too well about that. trust me on this one.
I thought I would update my situation since I have not written much in over two months.
The last time I posted, I talked about how my wife wanted a new car. It had upset me initially, but I thought about it and the comment by “4” that a car is cheaper than a divorce stuck. My wife also said she really wanted it and was emotionally invested in it. I have not read the “Languages of Love” book but I understand some types of people feel loved when they receive gifts. I think my wife falls into this category. So I bought her the new car.
As I said several times in my diary here, my wife has substance abuse problems, alcohol and prescription meds. The alcohol problem seems to be in remission, but the prescription meds remain. On the positive side she seems to be getting more involved with life.
I took my wife and son on a nice vacation to Maui for 8 days and that seemed to help our relationship as well. She said it was our best vacation since we went to Australia (our honeymoon). My wife seems to be very at ease again in our relationship. She tells me she loves me every day, calls me sweetie, etc.. She is not a good actor so I can only assume she is happy again.
Then we get to me, I have seen a psychologist for 6 months now. I started seeing her during our separation and have kept going. It has gotten to the point now where I do not feel that I am getting anything out of the visits. The last two appointments I had, I left feeling worse about myself. So I think I am going to discontinue it. Maybe that is why I am back here. I got more useful advice here and positive reinforcement here and just the act of journaling my situation helped.
So here is what is bothering me, first, if you read my sitch you will see I let my wife vent. I let her say anything with little or no response. I listened to many hateful tirades during our separation. And she has never apologized. That is what is bothering me the most, no apology. I have read here not to expect one, but it still bothers me.
Next, I have feelings of anxiety. I still do not feel at ease. Sometimes for no apparent reason the anxiety seems to wash over me like a wave. I feel that if I forget to pick up my dirty socks, it might freak my wife out and I’d be back looking at a divorce. This may be irrational and all me. I have always been a worrier; if anyone has any recommendations on dealing with anxiety let me know. Please no drug suggestions; I will not use psychotropic meds. Not taking meds is probably the reason the psychologist was no longer working out. I think she had gotten use to medicating her patients and could no longer help someone unwilling to take the drugs. I have the experience of being with someone addicted to prescription meds and will not go down that path.
On the positive side my son is happy, my wife seems to be happy, and I am OK most of the time. So that is where I am at today.
Thanks to everyone here that helped me in the past.
Congrats! Try St John's Wort, a natural herbal supplement. Makes me happy as a clam! Good luck!
Me - 46 She - 36 Daughter - 10 Married 10 yrs 1st Bomb Date 12/17/06 (Merry Christmas!) D Bomb in January (Happy New Year!) Every other week custody of D10 She has OM who helped her walk away Divorced 07/05/07
Expect an apology, no I don't think we can ever expect an apology. There's a lot of pride being swallowed by the WAS. The fact that she's back with you in itself is an apology of sorts. So look at it in that light.
As for your anxiety, well that's something you'll need to work really hard on. You've been jilted so anxiety is a natural emotion from that. So has your counselor being working with you on the anxiety issue?
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Mark...I am the worrier and the anxiety producer in our R as well...sometimes it helps to talk about these feelings with our S...as long as you are at a point where you can do this...
As for the apology...I know it took my H a long time to apologize and it wasn't what I really had expected...but as someone said sometimes we just have to accept that they are back and are dealing with things that we may not be aware of...
I know I ask my H if he is happy he came home...just hear him answer "Yes, I am" is very good for me to hear...
I am like you and don't do well with drugs...so I have had to learn to deal with things on my own...sometimes it is just taking a break mentally from my problems until I feel ready to deal with them...
First of all, the "therapist" I saw kept reminding me that she thought my wife had an alcohol abuse problem. I like to drink too, but since I am under "General Order Number 1", I'm not able to drink here in Iraq. That being said, alcohol and meds combined can really cloud a person's mind, and this may be why your W. hasn't (or ever will) apologize. Alcohol (and probably combined with drugs) can fuel the irrational, unstoppable anger, not to mention lower the inhibitions where your W. engages her mouth. Her rants can maybe be almost like a substance-fueled "seizure" where she remembers or regrets nothing. Just a guess . As far as "therapists", mine would always say: "Well, what do you think?" ISN'T THAT WHY I'M PAYING YOU $185/HR!!! I got more out of this page than ANY session with her. Guys like No_hill, T2, COG (when he was around) Frank_D, Running out of Time and CATFAN really helped me when I was at my lowest, and as you posted more, you were on target as well. Stop paying and tune in here more often.
As for the anxiety, I really get that. Before we separated, I broke the vacuum cleaner door when emptying the bag. It was a piece of sh*t and part of the plastic door snapped off. I was out of my mind with panic because even though it was an accident, I thought W. would rip my head off as she did for most accidents. I rigged it closed so it would look like SHE broke it when it was used next. Imagine how stupid that is. If she ever broke anything, I'd just shrug my shoulders. She backed through the garage door once, and my only comment was "That was the most expensive Chinese meal we'll ever have. $25 for the food, and $400 for the door! Made a joke and just laughed! Now that I think about it, how irrational (like your socks. You must have gotten disembowled for that before...honestly....)...is that any way to live, not even being able to make mistakes (after I vacummed the rugs, especially).
118 degrees here today WITH the bonus of blowing dust. Like being in a pizza oven with a hair dryer blowing on you. We have the absolutely bravest young Americans here in Iraq. I hope the American public realizes what a treasure the all-volunteer military is. Most don't because they're isolated from the war. No draft. I do have to tell you though.....the Air Force does not have to carry a weapon at all times as we do! I see more of them in PT gear at 10AM that you can imagine. I signed up for the wrong service!
You are together again. You're going to have to stop expecting any apology. If you don't, it will begin to fester like my recent spider bite, and it will grow larger and larger, poisonng any interaction. work around it if you can. She may soften.
I have to admire the fact that you were in such a bad palce and you've managed to work through the awkward reunion. I start to tremble even if I have to talk to W. on the phone, although she doens't know that. Glad things are working out for you, but I'm also glad to see you here again...I recognize no one except Jazz and CatFan!
Hi About2bdvorced, thanks for the suggestion, but herbal supplements are out for me too. I am not going to take something that alters my brain chemistry.
Catfan, I know you are right about her feeling that she was swallowing her pride to come back. During our separation I got that message from her. She would say that she would lose and I would win if she came back. I just never viewed it like that, it seemed more like a losing situation for everyone except the lawyers if it came to a divorce. As far as my counselor working on my anxiety, I have brought it up several times but the discussion always seems to leave that issue and move to something less relevant (like talking about dreams). I’m just going to take a break from her and perhaps look into finding someone else.
imLIN, I have talked with my wife about my anxiety, she has listened and made suggestions. The suggestions again just do not sit well with me. She has offered me some of her Ativan (I said no) and suggests I lay down the law with my psychologist and not let her go off onto some other subject. Laying down the law at the therapy session does not sit well with me. I do not enjoy conflict, or confrontational relationships and I think that would be the outcome. There has been some good hat came from seeing the psychologist, it just seems that the good stuff has ended and now it’s just rehashing painful events in the past. I like your idea of taking a mental break from problems, Maybe I just need to take some long walks.
Hey FLTC, it’s good to see you’re still OK in Iraq. I think about the troops, family, and friends I know over there every day. You brought up an interesting issue in the cost of seeing a psychologist. I have been thinking about that too, it became difficult to write the checks for something that was making me feel worse, as well as the time that it took out of my life to go see her. So I canceled my next session without rescheduling.
I’m not wishing anything bad on you but it is nice to see that I am not alone dealing with the anxiety problem. Your vacuum cleaner story is EXACTLY how I feel. That something small and insignificant gets blown into something huge. I have to say I have not been working out as much as I should; I’m going to try to pick that back up. It certainly won’t hurt.
I spent time in the Middle East during the first gulf war; I know the climate is awful. I cannot imagine living in that environment day after day now. I did it when I was in my 20’s but not at 46. Stay strong, your troops are looking at you for strength.
Initially the reconciliation was very awkward. I think my wife has gotten back to being comfortable in our relationship quicker than I, and that is not bad. I want to be able to feel secure and comfortable and I am not there yet. Hopefully time will help.
