I agree -- maybe you should just say that anyway "is there something that's going to be on there that we need to just talk about?" If there isn't, he has nothing to worry about. I understand your need to see the bill and I don't think you are obsessing!
Hang in there, it's always a bumpy ride, even when things start moving forward and we're making progress.
I don't think you need to necessarily worry about the sex partners. I, for one, have never directly asked H how many people he has had sex with.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
It is not snooping when your spouse has a history of cheating, as Heywyres does. Have you read the book "After The Affair", complete transparency is one of the steps to healing for the betrayed spouse when infidelity is brought into the picture...complete transparency is a requirement of the cheating spouse...providing stuff like this is standard for that when it comes to rebuilding the trust in the marriage.
Heywyre has a valid reason for him providing that particular months records...and he agreed to provide it, now he needs to stop backpedaling (because that sends up more red flags that he's trying to hide something) and provide it as he agreed to do.
However, he is still very reluctant it seems to release the information and said the cell company told him once the bills were sent out the printout information was deleted from the file.
is BS, every cell phone company I have gone through I can get past month's detailed records online....they don't delete it. Attorney's can subpoena those records and often do, there are ISO regulations that require records be kept...which apply worldwide, just like credit cards.
It wouldn't surprise me if someone didn't know how many sexual partners their spouse had...honestly, I don't know how many partners my H has had in his lifetime...and he's NEVER asked me either. I simply know he had a clean bill of health when we became involved.
I figured that would be the answer but was just curious as I haven't had all that many partners so his number seemed alot
I am feeling a little overwhelmed and "down" today, but better than yesterday I guess. The thought of having to confront him again is weighing on my mind and/or the possibility of there being something on that bill I don't want to see and/or talk about but I know it has to be done.
I know the company wouldn't destroy records after the bill is sent out, however this is what he was told (apparently) but I know for a fact they keep the current month and one past month online and that's what I told him, so he knew it was still accessible and couldn't squirm his way out of it. That is when he got slightly defensive, but I agree not nearly as much as he used to.
I am trying to be optimistic and believe there really won't be anything on there that I will see that upsets me. That would be fantastic and will really strengthen things but I am also not that naive to think he might still be hiding things from me. And, considering he was out of reach for 3-4 hours and the discrepancies regarding the receipts etc. I am still on guard.
While we were talking about the cell bill last night, he also told me his visa bill would be in soon, and I could take a look at that too - so at least that information was forthcoming without me prying it out of him. But it's the cell bill that I am the most concerned with.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
I am feeling a little overwhelmed and "down" today, but better than yesterday I guess.
Of course you are, it's easy to feel that way when things are going so well...then something like this pops up.
Well my twin in another country, you weren't alone...yesterday I didn't have a great day either. My work life sucks and to top it off last night my H got a phone call from his mom letting him know that his 1st wife is wanting to "get in touch" with him. This woman is HORRID (his XW, not his MOM LOL). She has dished out abuse to him for over 20 years (physically & verbally at different times) and has completely alienated him from his daughter. Won't go into the whole gory story, but lets say this woman has attacked him....and me (without ever meeting me). She pretends to be some genteel Southern Belle, but she reminds me more of Yosimite Sam in a hoop skirt!
Now there's an image for ya!!! - sorry but I had to laugh when I read that.
Don't you just hate the "want to get in touch" ones. Obviously she has nothing better to do with her life than annoy others.
I know it is easy for me to say but I wouldn't worry my pretty little head over her. After all, he is with YOU isn't he? But, the stress can get to you I know.
I guess there is one thing good that came out of yesterday's little fiasco, and that's last night when we were talking just before H went to bed he said that his friend was starting to annoy him. Well this is the friend that showed up on Saturday morning (which I thought they would be there in the afternoon) and stayed until 2 pm Monday (and I thought they were only staying overnight and leaving in the morning on Sunday).
This is HUGE on his part because this man, as much as I really can't tolerate him (he's spineless and a MCP (male chauvinist pig) he has been my H's friend for a long time (long story as to why). He has quite the opposite way of thinking from my H's (thank goodness)
Anyway, H said that he was just about ready to say something to him and that the next time they want to come over he will make it clear as to how long they can stay.
I don't think that helped with our situation either and was probably partially why I felt down again. This man is chronically depressed and all he talked about was his miserable life. Him and his wife went to NZ last year (he used to live there) and while he was there he ran into his X (it was planned actually) and he told us, in front of his wife if you can believe it, how "all the emotions from 35 years ago instantly came back to the surface" and how he wanted to be alone with her and just be together but there were "other people around" - talk about insensitive eh?
Anyway, there was more but you get the drift. Considering what we are currently going through, I really didn't need to hear that crap
That's my vent for the day - lol
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Oh sure you didn't need to hear that. You and your H had been having a lovely time and he was just such a downer on things...not to mention he abused the "wearing out your welcome" policy.
As for my H's XW, I'm not even worried about her. He wants nothing to do with her and she's honestly inconsequential to me. See I'm the type of person who, if I ever ran in to her and she tried to verbally tear me down, would slyly smile at her...envison Yosimite Sam in a hoop skirt, and make her wonder what in the hell I'm smiling about.
I can totally understand the feelings you have about this. He should be transparent and that would make all your fears go away. I doubt it because you'll just create some new things to obsess about!
Regarding the number of women he's been with. Holy cow, can you cut the man a break? First of all, looking at his answers without his direct permission was snooping. Just like a mother would do. Secondly, who cares? It was before you were M. It's water so far under the bridge that is not water anymore it's dust.
Regarding the cell phone bill. Holy cow again. You are dead right about seeing that bill. There's not a courtroom, or country kitchen in the world that would say otherwise. But think about it, think real hard, and real clear. Do you want to be his mommy, or his lover because you can't be both? Do you want complete security, complete control, without uncertainty because that is'nt very sexy.
I realize that I'm totally against the grain of what everyone else is telling you here. But ask yourself some questions. Why do you really need to see that cell bill? What will you do if you find out he's called her? What good will it do to know? Will you leave him, further critisize him, put a bar of soap in his mouth, what? How will seeing that bill improve your ST?
Consider this. What if he did call her when he was in town there? What if he fell, broke down, and called her? What if they talked about how each other were doing, how the kid's were, how they've moved forward in life? What if he came away from the convo thinking, "wow, I've really moved past this. I really need to take good care of Heywyre. Lord I am so sorry I hurt her and put her through this. What a dope I've been." Then he comes home and starts therapy, moves on to ST. His heart and mind are open to healing, growing, and learning to love his woman, his Heywyre. But the question remains, "has she changed"?
I know you've been burned already. I know how much you want security in your M. I think you will have far more success by allowing your H to be who he is, and love unconditionally, than by forcing him to bend over for body cavity searches. Think from a logical perspective, and don't fall prey to the emotions.
Just my humble and probably insenstive but honest opinion.
Love,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
I understand where you are coming from COG but you also have to understand where I am coming from too. I know if I see that bill, and there is nothing on it, that will be a HUGE move to healing. It was something we agreed on, and it should be carried out
Why do I care if he saw her? SHE'S AN ESCORT !!!!! Hello?? STDs ???? I need to know there was nothing going on and move forward from there. Also there is the secrecy, the lies and his going to C for what? Just to tell me more lies. Would I leave him if I found out he did? I don't know for sure but there is a VERY good posibility I would
Quote:
First of all, looking at his answers without his direct permission was snooping.
I did not look at his answers without his permission. We had to send them back to the ST before the appointment and he gave them to me to scan and send back. I asked him if he wanted to go over them together before I sent them back and he said no. I specifically told him I wouldn't look at his answers and he said "it doesn't matter to me that you see them" - so there was no snooping, I had permission
It has nothing to do with me "being sexy" because he doesn't find me that anyway. We are dealing with a whole different issue here than most people on this board, ask GEL, she can confirm that too
I still say we had an agreement and I am expecting him (yes "expecting" him) to hold up to his side of it. He's a businessman and should know better than to stab his best partner in the back. As much as it might not appear sexy, at least I am standing up for my rights and what I believe in first and foremost - HONESTY
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
