Heartbroken, no expertise here, just lots of HUGS.
M 38, H 38, two sons Met 20 years ago Married 13 years Bomb: Oct, 2006 DB: Started in Dec, 2006 H moved out for 3 weeks in Mar, 2007 H back home and piecing?
Well I decided not to pursue and I would not call him. But he called stating "you wanted to talk?" I basically told him that I did not need to talk about anything specific just to see that he was doing okay. H started the R talk big time...
H says he thinks he had a mental break down and he never wants to experience that again. He did admit to taking his frustrations out on me - he admits to coming home b/c its the right thing to do - for the kids. H says he's done with us and he's not sure if it can ever be fixed. H is still going to C tomorrow and he has two whole single space pages of issues/questions and some answers.
I told him I would not keep at this FOREVER (his fear) that at some point when I realize he cannot ever love me again I will give up but for now I want to be able to tell our children that we tried everything possible to fix us (he is really sure he's done - which scares me - how hard can he really try at this point?????). I told him I deserved to be loved too and at some point I will have to let go...
He said he should go to our home state WI on his own or with just the kids - (we were all supposed to go Friday and I told him I think I should stay back and give him some space), The kids will be crushed that I am not going but I really need some time alone too.
H finally came clean and talked to one good friend at work today - the first one besides me and OW who he has EVER talked to (and he wonders why he lost it yesterday). He wants to go home to WI where he's going to see his best friend and come clean with him too. This friend helped build our home and reallly cares about me and the kids too so maybe he can give some true insight to H.
I think he plans to come over Wed nite after counseling and I think I am just going to ask him on working on being friends at this point. We were best friends for the last 16 years and it brings tears to my eyes knowing we are starting from square one! I know I need to be so thankful that I had what I had - but my heart wants so much more ....
I think he doubts all the changes I have done are for real and he fears going back to what made him so unhappy (not sure what this all was at this point).
We agreed to not file for D without telling each other first.
All in all I felt better talking to him tonight and he said he did too.
Gotta start being his friend...
Me41 H44 * M16 yrs * D13 S10 8/06 H wants a D * 1/07 OW Truth 2/07 Searated * 7/07 H moved home First Thread Surviving Separation Now Piecing
(((((((((((((((((((((H)))))))))))))))))))))))))) I am so proud to read this .. while your heart is breaking you are still being a dynamic Woman.. this statement is huge. I have two teenage sons from a Previous 9 year M and we ( ex H and I ) were never friends.... this was not good. ..... he then dropped them off on Christmas Eve @ 6 years ago and never looked back and they have never forgiven him and I still feel the pain THIS CAUSED when they talk about him which is hardly ever. So all I can say is I am impressed that you could make such a statement.. in the name of the great love you have for your Family. Your kids need this sort of thinking .. it will help them so much.
BTW...I live in WI too! You will be in my prayers. Keep strong. God bless...
My advice to you is just give him all the space he needs...I can't tell you how adiment(that word doesn't look right, oh well long day) my H was that we could NEVER live together again...it just wouldn't EVER work...he could NEVER be truly happy with me....etc etc etc...and blah blah blah blah...
So just leave him be...be there when he wants to talk, but just listen...avoid R talk and US talk at all expense...make up an excuse if you have to...listen and validate but don't participate...stop telling him you not ready to give up...making a deal to tell the other if filing for D...stop that too...don't mention the word...quit checking on him and asking how he is doing (btw, this is mothering and my H began to dispise it...my C pointed it out to me)....
You have fought a hard battle...and it does get worse before it gets better...my H also felt he had a nervous breakdown...and I agree...he was nuts for a long time...and is now recovering with the help of a Psychologist and Psycotherapist and medications!!!
I so need your support! Waves of sadness right now - we ususally talk and text in the AM and I have not heard from him. I know I just have to detach and let him be - way easier said than done!
Just posting my feelings here helps the sadness pass... I have already made some plans for my weekend alone - and no not just all house cleaning!! I do want to look at condos so I know my options if H cannot get through this without throwing me away. I just want to be prepared...
I know in my heart I only want him back if he truly wants me but it still hurts so much imaging life without him...Today I said a prayer to God and to tell myself only God will give me what I can handle and what is meant to be is meant to be - I need to LET IT GO....
Happy Hump Day!
Me41 H44 * M16 yrs * D13 S10 8/06 H wants a D * 1/07 OW Truth 2/07 Searated * 7/07 H moved home First Thread Surviving Separation Now Piecing
Heartbroken, I agree with Lin. WAS coming home is not sure if it will ever work. One of the reasons he left was that he didn't think it would work.
My H's words exactly when he stormed out of the house 2 weeks after he had come back: "I knew it wouldn't work!" - he came back 20 mins later...
They need a lot of time, lots of it!! I tried to resist asking H if he was really there to stay, because I didn't know what he'd answer. When I did ask, he just said, what kind of a question is that.
My H could not handle talk about my feelings. He was so immersed in his own misery. Once I asked him, what about my needs for affection, he said: get a boyfriend (!!). I was of course hurt and thought I must be crazy to continue this for a minute. But I'm so glad I didn't give up! But I did learn to avoid ALL R talk.
Looking back I can see it was his depression talking. Little by little things got better. But it can take months! I'm convinced that there is only one way to speed it up, and that is leaving the depressed be, being there as a friend, not demanding anything. That's what worked for us.
Well H called RIGHT after the C sesion. Asked if he could come for dinner. I had it all ready (like a good little wife). He laughed on the phone and seemed lighter than he has been for the last couple of weeks.
After dinner he asked to talk to me in our room. C said he should not move back - see if he can keep his lease until it ends - she feels he is not ready to come back. H should also just take the kids to WI (Delevan area and Franklin for my WI support person) to see the family and his friends.
H says he's lighter b/c he talked with another good friend last nite and a mutual friend of both of ours too - so talking about it is helping him. C also said we need to stop talking during the day and that we should stop all activities together. H needs to fix himself first. H said he told the C he's more ready for D than I am. He is still on the D side but I really feel he is trying to fix himself this time around.
I now need to know if I should move to the separated group??? I hate this moving around stuff. I have to get real good at DB'ing since our contact will be limited. We do have to deal with kids issues and S9 is in baseball this summer. We are supposed to be going to Milw over the 4th of July who knows if that will happen???
I just plan to DB my butt off to show him how much he is missing by letting me go. Still sad inside but detaching better each day. I made a mistake asking him if I should look at condos this weekend and he said yes, probably. Not a smart question but I never got teary eyed and after he took S9 to ball practice he called and I let it go to voice. He then called the house and told D12 to have me call him. SO I did and he said he's worried we talked to much about his C session and we may be over analyzing and I said I he was doing that right now. I told him I was fine with little contact, ended the call first.
I then text msg: Please take care of YOU first. I will be fine
He texted back Thanks!
I just need to see if he does miss me/us and if he doesn't then I guess I have to let go...
He just txt: U may want the apt for the next 3 mos? Something to think about...
I really don't want to leave my home even though it would be less work and he could really see how dealing with the kids and a house is a lot of work. Not sure how this summer is going to go - wow that thought is bringing me down...
D12's bday in June 4th - are we to be together? I hate this rollercoaster ride!
Thanks for your help!!!
HB
Me41 H44 * M16 yrs * D13 S10 8/06 H wants a D * 1/07 OW Truth 2/07 Searated * 7/07 H moved home First Thread Surviving Separation Now Piecing
HB, you are an amazing person to be able to bounce right back to DB'ing. Don't let this get you down too much, we are here for you to vent. It can just be a temporary thing before h comes back for good. I am trying to analyze (like you need more analyzing, ha ha) your situation. I am not sure I totally agree with C about not talking and no activities as this limit your chance to DB. I figure IF you can keep it at the "acquaintance" level (which I am pretty sure you can), it should be OK. But take this with a grain of salt as it is just me. I will tell you that one turning point for my h was when he took the kids out for the weekend out of town trip. I think he only then realized the work/effort needed to take care of the kids. He has never had to take care of them alone for more than a couple of hours, at home. He also told me (when we are piecin) that with just three of them, something was missing (i.e. me). So the trip to WI may be good without you. Hey, may be you can go to a yoga retreat or whatever other funky stuff. I am just trying to share my experience and hope may be some may apply in your situation. Just so tough because everyone is different. Think of summer as a good time for you to learn a new sport and enjoy. Take care and hugs.
M 38, H 38, two sons Met 20 years ago Married 13 years Bomb: Oct, 2006 DB: Started in Dec, 2006 H moved out for 3 weeks in Mar, 2007 H back home and piecing?
HB...my H wasn't ready...or at least he panicked a few times after he did come home...just like the other poster who said her H knew it wasn't going to work, stormed out, then returned 20 min. later...I think they are more affraid...more affraid of hurting the family again, of hurting you again...and mostly of being a failure in their own eyes...it is better to quit then fail!
I would say the C has the right idea...except I do think some interaction with you two would be good...just to keep bases warm....D's birthday is a good one...maybe dinner at home every few weeks....this is pretty much how I did it...if I saw H stressing I would let him off the hook by letting him know I had plans so if he wasn't around it was fine with me (GAL)....
I don't think your H is ready for D...but he isn't sure how to get back...and in time I think he can find that...it is so sad to see them in this place...remember he needs your compassion right now...you have to be the strong one for HIM and YOU and THE KIDS!!!...a big job but I think women are better cut out for this stuff because we are more emotional...we can cry and talk and let it all out....regroup...and jump back in...or get pushed back in by our friends...so he is a little nudge for you /o/...
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