Well, the old Choc. would have stewed in his resentment, and I'm still not sure I'm doing the right thing. Somewhere along the line I've lost the courage of my convictions when it comes to matters of the heart ("Do this, she'll love it!" "DON'T do that, you'll be SMOTHERING her!").
But I'm going with my instincts nevertheless.
If I go down, it's going to be swinging. I will NOT go quietly.
I just sent my wife the following e-mail:
From: Eyes, Chocolate Sent: Wed 5/23/2007 5:39 AM To: Subject: Are you avoiding me??
Susan,
I honestly don't know how we can work on our marriage if you avoid me.
Since our lunch last week, all I have felt from you is further pulling away. You never call me unless it's to ask me something specific, and you seem to cut my calls to you short. I miss our daily talk-while-you're-in-the-car-line conversations. As bad as things got between us, we always made time for those.
You avoid me around the house, even though I'm making good efforts at being a pleasant person to be around (I need this for my future anyway).
You didn't even want me to go to your doctor appointment with you, which you ALWAYS used to like and appreciate. You obviously wanted company, too, because you asked (D18) to go. I'm certainly not going to get you into some deep relationship talk in Dr. Nipandtuck's waiting room, so what's the point of me not going with you? I thought about just showing up anyway, to support you, but was afraid you would feel "smothered," because you want "space."
We don't have to have deep relationship talks (we can do that with a MC), but I do think we need to talk. How can we rebuild any closeness with each other if we're talking LESS than before, and before was awful?
I would like to leave for Chicago knowing that, as difficult as this is going to be and as much as neither one of us can predict where it's going, that it's IMPORTANT to you. I'm not asking for your affection, and I'm not asking for some proclamation of how you feel about me. (Frankly, I think I already know the answer anyway; I've come to grips with that, and I'm OK with it.)
What I DO hope you can find some way to communicate is "I don't have feelings for you anymore, Paul, but our marriage is important to me, and I'm willing to work on trying to get them back. I dont know if we can, but I would LIKE to get them back. This (fill in the blank) is what I need from you to help me do that." Maybe it's "I need us to talk more, but not R (Relationship) talks." or "I need us to be together, having fun as a family more." Or whatever.
Instead, what I'm "hearing" from you is "I already don't think this is going to work. I don't have feelings for you anymore, and rather than put myself back in a place emotionally where I take the risk of hurting you -- and myself -- again, I'd rather just keep my distance."
Please call me, and tell me if I'm wrong, or write me back if that's easier for you. Susan, I thought we agreed to work on this, together, but I don't even feel any "together" anymore.
