Madonna/Whore Part 3

[Heywyre]

2 to 1 - I will ask him

I understand where you are coming from COG but we had a MAJOR discussion about this several weeks ago and there is a real trust issue over his constant lying. It needed to be dealt with, and was as far as I was concerned, and the end result was that he would show me the cell and visa bills. After all, they are coming out of money I earn too. We don't have separate accounts, we don't "hide" anything else other than these two items. That sends up red flags and he knows it.

He doesn't know how to use email (thank goodness) and it is a 3-hour drive to see her, so that is out of the question too.

That leaves me with the cell phone, which he uses literally for everything, including phoning his friends when he is sitting in the house with a land line right beside him. I know this is crucial for my sanity, and he agreed to it - which is the bottom line.



This one particular cell bill is important as it is during the time frame he went to the other city where OW is and was "out of service" for about 3-4 hours - no explanation other than he had it turned off (which he NEVER does).

Yes, he can use pay phones, but he wouldn't do that because it is long distance (much too expensive and you have to have the exact change to do it, which he wouldn't have on hand)

[RedHeadWife]

I don't know, Hey. I kind of agree w/ COG. You guys are making progress and you haven't seen any indication that he's still calling anybody. Then again, you did ask for it and he did agree but hasn't come through.

How strongly do you feel about it? I've been going through the same thing, wondering if H is still talking to OW, but I've decided to leave it alone for now. Part of me wants to just ask so I KNOW, but part of me wants to start trusting again and hoping that he is deciding to make the right choices on his own.

Do you think maybe if we just start trusting again and not needing to see hard evidence, they will start feeling trustworthy again? I just don't know the answer. I'll be interested to see what everyone says.

I think it will come down to if it is going to absolutely drive you nuts if you don't see it. I don't think I would look at it as he said he would show you and hasn't. If you can live w/o seeing it and feel like you are beginning to trust him again, I'd just let it go.

[RedHeadWife]

Ok, I replied before you posted this last one. If it is your sanity v. not asking then you have to ask or you are going to drive yourself nuts thinking about it and end up maybe causing damage that doesn't need to be caused if you just see it.

[Heywyre]

Well, I got a partial explanation out of him but then his daughter phoned (which he is still on the phone with) but what he said seemed believeable

I just came out and said "oh, by the way, has your cell bill come in yet".

He said, "yes it did but I didn't want to say anything because you seemed a little down and I thought it might be better if I just held off, but since you asked, they didn't send the printout with it so I called and they said they had it on the file that they were to start sending the printout as of next month, not this month."

So, he told them that was incorrect and that he wanted a printout but they said there was a cost and I said "well, you can always access it online and then it won't cost anything". That is when his daughter phoned.

He absolutely DETESTS dealing with anything online so that is probably not about to happen. However, I don't really care what next month's cell bill says, I want to see last month's because that was the crucial one. So, when he gets off the phone I am sure the conversation will resume. I will tell him to save our money, give me access to it online and I can check it from there.

I'll let you know what happens

[Heywyre]

Well, he got off the phone with daughter (much later than expected because she was dumping on him) and he initiated the balance of the conversation where we had left off, so that's a good sign.

However, he is still very reluctant it seems to release the information and said the cell company told him once the bills were sent out the printout information was deleted from the file. I find that extremely hard to believe, however it could be true. I said, "well it can still be accessed online" and he went into some great big long, drawn out conversation about everything but the printout. Finally, I repeated myself and he said "I don't know how you go about getting information about MY cell bill online when I never gave you the authority blah blah blah"

During this time, he was relatively calm and not getting too defensive but it was definitely sending up red flags again. He said "how many times do I have to tell you, I'm not doing anything and I will be getting my cell bills each and every month from this point on and if it takes you 1-2 years of checking, that's fine with me".

I tried to explain to him that it was not necessarily from "this point forward" that I was concerned about but last month when he went to the city where OW was and I couldn't get in touch with him for 3-4 hours. He skated around it quite well but I continued to zero in on that particular bill. He asked me if I was "obsessing again" and I said I wasn't (which I don't think I am). After all, I am quite convinced that once I see THAT particular invoice I will be less likely to snoop much longer, and I told him that.

Eventually he said that it was quite late (which it was - he has to work tonight and it was already almost 2 hours past his bedtime) and that he would give me the information either tomorrow or the next day that I needed to get online and see the bill I am so concerned about.

I am hoping I don't have to remind him, but if I do, I will. I know this might sound somewhat obsessive to some, but I have spent so many years listening to his lies that this is just something I have to do to commence building the trust back. I have confidence that once I see that particular bill, I will most likely refrain from looking at the bills hardly ever (maybe just once in a while, if I am down or something sets off a trigger in me) but I want to stop this for sure.

[Heywyre]

Ok, another question

H and I filled out the questionnaire for the ST's appointment next week and sent it back to him. H didn't seem concerned that I would see what he had filled out (I am hoping that he was honest and he seemed like he was) however, I did notice there was a question regarding how many people we have had intercourse with over the period of our lives and he put down more than I thought he had been with - is this normal that a wife wouldn't know this? It is only 2-3 more than I thought but I am kinda hurt that I didn't know

[OG_Lou]

Heywyre, the deal was you could look at last month's cell call log. I think you should hold him to the deal.

If he does not honor the agreement, ask what he does not want you to see.

I do lots of transactions over the internet. Setting up or getting to my accounts takes 5 minuets tops, if they have to verify my e-mail address.

I have had accounts where I had to call because the internet directions didn’t match/include some recent change.

He tells you, you are the best, then holds out. I see some inability to trust, issues.

Maybe I am too open and trust too much.

Lou

[Heywyre]

Maybe I am too open and trust too much.

I hardly see this as a fault, Lou

And, yes I agree, this just makes me mistrust all the more. I even said to him that I would delete all the information AFTER I saw the bill I need to see online but he is still beating around the bush.

Tomorrow, if I don't get the information from him without me having to ask again, I am going to be really straight forward and say "if there is something on that bill you don't want me to see, perhaps we had better talk about it right now. Otherwise, let's get this done with."

[OG_Lou]

I hardly see this as a fault, Lou

Being open is not a fault HW but look where it gets me in my M.

our H has an A, and you work on the R, then your H works on the R.

Me, one and only serious girlfriend and I read books, etc and not much improves till I say I am done.

Also, me saying I am open, if I was your H I wouldn't have a problem with anyone seeing the cell phone records.

Tomorrow, if I don't get the information from him without me having to ask again, I am going to be really straight forward and say "if there is something on that bill you don't want me to see, perhaps we had better talk about it right now. Otherwise, let's get this done with."
Sounds perfect to me.

He said nothing was on the bill, so why the resistance?

Heywyre, I don't understand some people. Their M is flawed and still they hold out, play games, want the upper hand, play dumb, do all kinds of things for the SO but won't give more than a granny kiss.

Nothing changes till someone leaves.

Looks like you are doing better than some posters. Keep it up.

Sorry your country lost one of it's "Snowbirds" pilots in GF last week. GF is not far from where I live. http://www.snowbirds.forces.gc.ca/site/index_e.asp

Lou

[Heywyre]

I don't know why the resistance - and I am hoping it is just because he wants the upper hand and not because there is actually something on there that he is trying to avoid.

Thanks for the condolences regarding the Snowbird - pretty sad indeed - and even sadder that he was to get married the 9th of June. There is one marriage that will never have the chance to prove itself