Need Veteran Piecer's Advice - desperately!!!

[Heartbroken]

Well I decided not to pursue and I would not call him. But he called stating "you wanted to talk?" I basically told him that I did not need to talk about anything specific just to see that he was doing okay. H started the R talk big time...

H says he thinks he had a mental break down and he never wants to experience that again. He did admit to taking his frustrations out on me - he admits to coming home b/c its the right thing to do - for the kids. H says he's done with us and he's not sure if it can ever be fixed. H is still going to C tomorrow and he has two whole single space pages of issues/questions and some answers.

I told him I would not keep at this FOREVER (his fear) that at some point when I realize he cannot ever love me again I will give up but for now I want to be able to tell our children that we tried everything possible to fix us (he is really sure he's done - which scares me - how hard can he really try at this point?????). I told him I deserved to be loved too and at some point I will have to let go...

He said he should go to our home state WI on his own or with just the kids - (we were all supposed to go Friday and I told him I think I should stay back and give him some space), The kids will be crushed that I am not going but I really need some time alone too.

H finally came clean and talked to one good friend at work today - the first one besides me and OW who he has EVER talked to (and he wonders why he lost it yesterday). He wants to go home to WI where he's going to see his best friend and come clean with him too. This friend helped build our home and reallly cares about me and the kids too so maybe he can give some true insight to H.

I think he plans to come over Wed nite after counseling and I think I am just going to ask him on working on being friends at this point. We were best friends for the last 16 years and it brings tears to my eyes knowing we are starting from square one! I know I need to be so thankful that I had what I had - but my heart wants so much more ....

I think he doubts all the changes I have done are for real and he fears going back to what made him so unhappy (not sure what this all was at this point).

We agreed to not file for D without telling each other first.

All in all I felt better talking to him tonight and he said he did too.

Gotta start being his friend...