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[BeingMe]

Journalling ... and a spot of venting and self analysis .... it's an ever learning process, this getting to know ourselves!

H is off on his trip to Milwaukee, where he will be working on a project for about 3 months. He had, initially, had some difficulty getting the work visa at the USA border (this is his 3rd try, and finally successful with the help of an immigration lawyer), due to the company giving him the wrong letters, etc. I am rather fed up with the whole thing, and just wish he could get a similar position here in Canada. I think he is happy to be doing something now, instead of having to work off site. He will be home next week, Thursday or Friday, for the weekend.

I will use this time while he is away, to get better (still have this cold lingering, plus a tummy bug that leaves me feeling dizzy, and nauseous), get back into the gym, and decide what courses to take next semester. I will also continue writing, which I had stopped while away, and while feeling sick. I need to get into the garden too.

I still feel the need to rebuild my self-confidence, get out and meet new people, and renew my goals, dreams, and desires, and find a way to cement them in the real world. I have been researching the Law of Attraction, and I feel that some people are naturally, and instinctively able to use this law, while others (like myself), have to work at it. I think it's very much rooted in our childhood, and how our personalities formed, leading to our sense of place in the world, our self esteem, faith in ourselves, belief that we deserve as much as the next person. My problem, most of my life, is the feeling of not belonging, that somehow I don't deserve success or happiness or love or prosperity (just a guess, but probably due to my being in an orphanage with my siblings, when I was about 2 yrs old, when my mom was very ill, and my dad couldn't take care of us. I don't remember it, but my 9 years older sister has told me some stories about that time that is just awful). Yet, deep down, I know that that can't be right - we all deserve what we are willing to work for, believe, pray for, and we all belong on this planet. I always feel I have to prove myself to those around me ... to my spouse, at work, to siblings and other family, to friends ... even to the cashier at the supermarket. Ha! Instead, I should just be me, and accept that not everyone is going to like me, and that's okay.

No-one is less or more deserving. Somewhere in the scriptures it says that, "men are, that they might have joy." We are here to know joy. I think fear is the one thing that prevents us feeling joy, happiness, abundance. I know, that the things I feared most in life, has come true (my H betraying me, one of my daughters having a terrible partner, being in debt, and so on). Fear truly ruled my life. So, I wasted a lot of time fearing something, instead of enjoying what I had at any given time. How much happier, and at peace, I could've been had I let go of fear. Still, there is no need to regret it, but learn from it, and move on.

So, I will try and let go of the fear (and I think I am starting to succeed in that), and be grateful for the things I do have now, because 'now' is all we truly have. Yesterday is gone and one can either learn from it, or stupidly repeat the mistakes from it. Tomorrow is yet to be, and that is the place of dreams, and hopes ... nothing wrong with that, but a bus could end it all in a second. The present is where we live, and should revel in the solid reality of it. There is so much we should be grateful for, in the present. So, I am going to start a gratitude list (in a journal at home), and sometimes I will post here what I am most grateful for. Writing it down, makes it more real, and will remind me of these things when I read back to this time.

Today, I am grateful for:

• my computer (and, ultimately, the internet), where I can research interesting things, communicate, and have access to this forum
  
  
• being alive at this time in history, when we have so much technological advances, where so many questions have been answered regarding past history, and so on
  
  
• being a woman and having had the privilege of giving birth to my children, who I love so much
  
  
• despite the pain of my H's betrayal, I am still grateful that I have known love, and marriage. I don't regret the past 21 years.

What are you grateful for today?

Take care everyone, and thanks for posting to my thread.