Ok, I may not have answered your exact question. I don't think she would do exactly what you've described, but if she did I would probably be angry at first, but would quickly do whatever I could to be the one at the bar for her every night.
This is pretty much the answer I thought you would give and pretty much the answer that I think most LDH would give. I think most HDW are too hesitant to take this sort of action because it makes them feel too much like the "whore" looking for "just sex" instead of the "madonna" looking for "loving intimate connection". Of course, not taking this kind of action leaves a HDW incredibly vulnerable to the first guy who comes along and does offer any level of "loving intimate connection". Usually other things are lacking in a SSM besides the sex. Every time I go out with a guy who gives me one of the things that my H didn't provide on a regular basis such as pleasant conversation, verbal validation, cheerfully offered minor acts of service, physical affection or hot monkey action I am simultaneously incredibly angry with myself for putting up with such a cr*p situation for so many years and incredibly happy to finally be out of it. I have no clue what your wife's plan is but you probably ought to get busy giving her some of that stuff before somebody else does.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Ok, good advice. This is exactly what I'd like to do. I do want to be the one for her and I know that my counseling, prescriptions, etc have helped me understand the problem and address it.
My wife has said that she doesn't want to "date" me. How do I get her to let me provide these things to her? If I ask her out, as I'm planning to do tonight, and she says "NO" what should I do? I don't want to get back into the "begging" again.
I would really like to get her alone and tell her all this, then get her in the sack. But, I think that she'll reject me.
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MJ, I understand that you're coming from the HDW side of things, which is very helpful. But, do I not get any credit for taking the steps I've done??? My wife said in counseling two weeks before she left that "things were going good." Why throw out a 13 year marriage when I'm working on this? I'm a good guy. She even says that I'm a good husband and a good provider. So, why chunk it all?? A marriage is suppose to have some give and take in it. "In sickness and in health".... If I'm continuing to work on things why not keep working with me?
Sure she may find someone that'll give her some sex and probably a new husband someday. But, every relationship has it's problems and she'll just be trading one set of problems for another set. I know that everything in my marriage can be "FIXED". Even if there was only a small percentage that things could be fixed, I think that it would be worth trying. What if she had cancer, some sort of psychological issue, or couldn't have children and I wanted them, would it be fair to just walk out?
MJ, did your husband try to work on things? Was it an honest effort? Would you have given him another chance if he was working on the problem?
I know I was wrong --- I should have done more sooner. But damn, can I get some credit here?? Getting all the credit in the world still won't solve things -- only convincing my wife that I truly love her and want her and will have sex with her is the only way. So, how do I do this without it becoming a battle or appear to be begging?????
MJ, did your husband try to work on things? Was it an honest effort? Would you have given him another chance if he was working on the problem?
Well, I feel like I gave him multiple chances and he kept letting me down so your situation might be more hopeful. Also, it does seem like you were the "caretaker" in your relationship in some ways so that might work in your favor.
I think it would be helpful to you if you knew what your wife thought was the reason for your low drive. For instance, if she thought you had issues with resentment then she might think that it doesn't matter if you take the testosterone because as soon as you start feeling resentful towards her again you'll just stop taking it. Another way to look at it would be that she's not leaving you because of your LD but because of the character flaw she believes you possess that led you to not take earlier action on a matter so important to her happiness. She figures that character flaw will lead you to make her unhappy in other ways even if you do remediate the sex problem. In my situation, I believe that the character flaw that causes my H to quit jobs is the same flaw that caused him to blame his LD on my lack of attraction so the fact that he just quit another job makes me feel very glad that I'm no longer married to him. In a lot of the situations on the BB the character flaw is probably just "passivity". If that is the case in your sich then the best thing you can do is anything that was pro-active.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I don't know that "caretaker" would be right or not.
I'm not sure what she thinks is the problem. She has said that she is working on a letter to me to explain why she thinks that divorce is the only option. But, I haven't seen the letter yet and she has been "working" on it for the past 5 weeks probably. Not sure if she's having a hard time writing it, just doesn't care, doesn't have time, or isn't wanting to "finalize" the relationship with a letter.
I know that this is something I NEVER want to face again with her or anyone else. I know that things WILL be (and are) different in my life. If we do get back together our relationship will be much stronger. I know now just how important my wife is in my life and how much I have taken her for granted. I will make my marriage the top priority in my life and pleasing my wife at the top of that list.
I just talked with my wife. It was like being in high school again asking a girl out on a first date. Damn that's been a long time.
I asked if she would like to have dinner with me tomorrow night... then I expanded to include Thursday night too. She said that she thought that something was going on tomorrow, but Thursday would work better. She's suppose to let me know tomorrow.
As MJontheMend and several others have suggested -- I need to start being more "proactive".
I'd like to get suggestions from ya'll on things I could do to be more proactive.
Some of the things I've thought of:
- Try to kiss her when she's not expecting it. - Try to kiss her at the end of the evening/date. - Send her flowers. - Write her short notes.
What do you guys think of these things? What else can I do?
I need to quit talking about what I want and start going after it. Not asking for her approval, just trying it with confidence. If I get shot down, I'll just try again the next time. What do I have to loose? What's the worst thing that could happen ... she could divorce me?
Corri -- What do you think? Are my balls big enough yet?
You are thinking too much. Though I understand the endeavor. I think things through to their death, and then some.
You've asked your wife out.
Wait for her to respond.
Be cool. Be patient. Think in 'client' mode. You want this one... but to act too eager will kill the deal, right? You let the client lead... listen... respond.
One step at a time.
Think... sales. You overdo it... you are cooked. Be cool.
If you wife rejects the date, dont be surprised or hurt. Just say ok. Do not try to talk her into it.
IMO, I say no to the flowers, and no to the short notes. Your W doenst need words or tokens, she needs a man of action.
Dont TRY to kiss her. JUST KISS HER. If she says dont do that, you have lots of options.
say OK. say, damn woman first you complain I dont kiss you and now you complain when I kiss you. Make up your mind. smile at her. kiss her again. say, well you better leave then or I am going to kiss you again. If she gets mad, do NOT react. do not speak. just look at her. Do not be confused. You kissed her because YOU wanted to. Thats IT. She is your W.
