I didn't think you were happier, and I was pretty sure we weren't missing an e-mail from your post....that's why I didn't get it.
Seems like you two need to have another sit-down "Come to Jesus" meeting (as I like to call em.)...if nothing else just flat-out tell him his behavior isn't saying "I want to reconcile and work on this marriage." That's not you making a grand gesture of any type, that's you calling his BS on the table. Rebuilding this marriage isn't one person's responsibility....if he wants a marriage he has to pull his load too.
No I didn't misread you, I knew that line was the e-mail from your H.
I just think you need to call him out and flat out ask him if HE is willing to do what it takes to fix this marriage or not...playing stupid little games with the bedroom is not making an effort on his part, it's petty, and it's childish at this point. Getting happy when he manipulates you into getting his way is just....well, lets just say I'd like to read him the riot act.
If he's not willing to pull his own weight in fixing things and make concessions towards moving forward...then I agree with the others f*ck him!
I hear what you're saying GEL. Thing is, I've already said my piece. Too many times. I will not reach out any more. Not because I am being stubborn or rigid, but because I've made myself clear already. He will have to reach out to me. And there was a time when I would have been so happy to receive ANY communication from him that I would read way more into it than what was there. But, like I said, the common niceties aren't going to fly anymore and his sarcastic little email certainly won't get a response from me. Not this time.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
Heather, there is nothing you can do when someone has contempt for you. You cannot hit your target when someone is callously and cruelly yanking the target back and forth.
I thought what you said to Mr. G was perfect, and it got his attention as well. He heard the door to you heart click shut loud and clear. ditto what stig said. Take care of yourself Heather, and know that you have come a long way in working on yourself. Nobody said you have to be perfect. Find yourself. Be honest. Do your best to not return hurt for hurt.
MR. G
I am really really pro marriage, I practically never speak negaitively of the missing spouse, and have hoped for Heather's sake and your kids that you would pull your head out. If I were the patriarch of a tribe, I would kick your ass right out of it. I understand originally you were hurt but now your just being an abusive [censored]. Your game of lurking or keylogging, just so you can make Heather dance and sneer and foil her attempts to regain your trust, love and save her family, is deplorable and pathetic.
Your attempt to break her, only resulted in you breaking her heart. Youll understand the differance soon enough.
If you are dealing with some one who has narcissistic tendencies, then escalation will only make things worse. A true narcissist is completely void of the ability to empathize with others. You H is only concerned with his feelings. When he goes on the defensive, he shuts down and attacks, in his own way. You do the same so you know what I am talking about.
When you let yourself be vulnerable and expressed your hurt, you did not attack, so his defenses were not up, and the extreme hurt you expressed was able to register on him. You detachment, strong boundary statement may have told him you have reach the end of the line. I think this is what he has been looking for all along, even though that may be sick, controlling, unhealthy, whatever. He finally saw you give up the fight. I think he “got it” and felt guilty. Apology is NOT something you will get from a narcissist, so instead he offered that comment on you looking “hot.”
I think this could have been a true break through moment for your M, if you and he can build on this vulnerability and not re-escalate. If you can keep from triggering his defenses so your hurt can keep getting through to him, he may be able to start to feel some empathy for you. Just be sure not to challenge his control, for that seems to set him off. He needs a lot of work. Getting him into counseling means that he needs to feel how much he hurt you. He will never, ever allow himself to feel that hurt if he is angry and defensive.
I personally think you are getting to understand your H very well. I think your understanding of how you and he react is serving you to stay focused and on track. Although you want to tell him to f*ck off, I hope you see than confronting him will only create escalation. Confrontation with a bully works if that bully has never had to face boundaries. It does NOT work with a narcissist. Go ask Vbube. He has the wife diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. See how well confrontation works with her. It doesn’t. All he and his kids can do is ignore her and go about thier own business. You state that you don’t want to go down that road, but work on the M. So you have a limited set of options to get there. Evaluate them wisely. And again, that’s just my GD POV.
Heather, there is nothing you can do when someone has contempt for you. You cannot hit your target when someone is callously and cruelly yanking the target back and forth.
EXACTLY
Take care of yourself Heather, and know that you have come a long way in working on yourself. Nobody said you have to be perfect. Find yourself. Be honest. Do your best to not return hurt for hurt.
Again, Ditto.
Heather,
I know you "gave" back the bedroom because it was not "worth" the battle to you. You may have done it in the hope that your H would step up to the plate and finally show you some care and empathy but you cannot "make" your H feel empathy. It's not your fault or failure if he doesn't. Your H has some deep pychological issues that HE needs to decide he wants to work on and there is no way for you to "make" him do that work.
Regardless of what you decide and what direction you go next, please try to stay the middle ground. Do not give in but do not attack. MUCH easier said than done but it is the RIGHT way to handle him and the right way for you to keep your dignity and self respect.
Good Luck!!
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
