One link at a time

[BeingMe]

I go away for a week, and come back to find my thread locked!

Me: 49
H: 44
Married: 21 years
4 children: D26 (married with 2 children), Twins 19 (B/G), and D14
Bomb: May 2004
Reconciled: May 2005

Sir Winston Churchill said, "It is a mistake to try to look too far ahead. The chain of destiny can only be grasped one link at a time." I find this statement pertinent to our sitches. So often, we try to know the future, we want reassurances from our spouses that all will be right. But, no-one can know the future. We can just take it one step at a time. Rushing the reconciliation gets one nowhere .... fast.

So, my trip turned out to be a bit of a waste of time (picked up a cold on the way there, and was sick the whole time - my friends took good care of me), except that I did get to see my D19 who is 17 weeks pregnant. She seems happy, but I can only imagine how nervous she must be. Her BF is a mother's worst nightmare, but what can we do, 'eh! She is an adult now, and must follow her own destiny. All we can do, as parents, is be there if she needs us. I have learned through DB'ing the positive attributes of lovingly detaching, which has helped me so much in dealing with my daughter's sitch.

On my 12 hour trip, I listened to the cd of The Secret, and it was very interesting. I am hoping it will help my H in his life right now. He is very down, and feels like a failure because so much is happening at the same time - work and the business he was trying to get started. He has hit some glitches, that are very frustrating. I am trying to be supportive, but it's hard when he is so down. As I told him, all businesses hit bumps in the road, and one just has to keep moving forward. I guess it's easier said then done, 'eh! His ego, and self worth, is very much wrapped up in his ability to work, and support his family. Which is great, but there is more to life than work, IMO.

Anyway, enough rambling. There isn't much more I can add to the piecing sitch. Things are pretty much the same between us. I had hoped that he would miss me while I was away, but I think the whole work and business thing kept him very much occupied, and distracted. Ah well!

My last thread

[Aud31]

Hi BeingMe,

It's funny, I was just thinking about you this morning and wondering how your trip went, so I am so happy to see your post. Sorry you didn't come back to miraculous changes, but you sound somewhat refreshed.

This experience is certainly trying, but I know if we just keep taking one step at a time while focusing on the still small voice inside, we'll be where we need to be when we need to be.

((hugs))
Aud

[Phoenix_spark]

I agree with Aud31. It sounds like the trip was a good thing, maybe not as encompassing as you hoped, but I can feel a better attitude all round.

[cat03]

hey there, glad you got to clear your head for a bit, and that you got to see your daugher. Remember to stroke his ego and not be the "improvement" committee

[BeingMe]

Journalling ... and a spot of venting and self analysis .... it's an ever learning process, this getting to know ourselves!

H is off on his trip to Milwaukee, where he will be working on a project for about 3 months. He had, initially, had some difficulty getting the work visa at the USA border (this is his 3rd try, and finally successful with the help of an immigration lawyer), due to the company giving him the wrong letters, etc. I am rather fed up with the whole thing, and just wish he could get a similar position here in Canada. I think he is happy to be doing something now, instead of having to work off site. He will be home next week, Thursday or Friday, for the weekend.

I will use this time while he is away, to get better (still have this cold lingering, plus a tummy bug that leaves me feeling dizzy, and nauseous), get back into the gym, and decide what courses to take next semester. I will also continue writing, which I had stopped while away, and while feeling sick. I need to get into the garden too.

I still feel the need to rebuild my self-confidence, get out and meet new people, and renew my goals, dreams, and desires, and find a way to cement them in the real world. I have been researching the Law of Attraction, and I feel that some people are naturally, and instinctively able to use this law, while others (like myself), have to work at it. I think it's very much rooted in our childhood, and how our personalities formed, leading to our sense of place in the world, our self esteem, faith in ourselves, belief that we deserve as much as the next person. My problem, most of my life, is the feeling of not belonging, that somehow I don't deserve success or happiness or love or prosperity (just a guess, but probably due to my being in an orphanage with my siblings, when I was about 2 yrs old, when my mom was very ill, and my dad couldn't take care of us. I don't remember it, but my 9 years older sister has told me some stories about that time that is just awful). Yet, deep down, I know that that can't be right - we all deserve what we are willing to work for, believe, pray for, and we all belong on this planet. I always feel I have to prove myself to those around me ... to my spouse, at work, to siblings and other family, to friends ... even to the cashier at the supermarket. Ha! Instead, I should just be me, and accept that not everyone is going to like me, and that's okay.

No-one is less or more deserving. Somewhere in the scriptures it says that, "men are, that they might have joy." We are here to know joy. I think fear is the one thing that prevents us feeling joy, happiness, abundance. I know, that the things I feared most in life, has come true (my H betraying me, one of my daughters having a terrible partner, being in debt, and so on). Fear truly ruled my life. So, I wasted a lot of time fearing something, instead of enjoying what I had at any given time. How much happier, and at peace, I could've been had I let go of fear. Still, there is no need to regret it, but learn from it, and move on.

So, I will try and let go of the fear (and I think I am starting to succeed in that), and be grateful for the things I do have now, because 'now' is all we truly have. Yesterday is gone and one can either learn from it, or stupidly repeat the mistakes from it. Tomorrow is yet to be, and that is the place of dreams, and hopes ... nothing wrong with that, but a bus could end it all in a second. The present is where we live, and should revel in the solid reality of it. There is so much we should be grateful for, in the present. So, I am going to start a gratitude list (in a journal at home), and sometimes I will post here what I am most grateful for. Writing it down, makes it more real, and will remind me of these things when I read back to this time.

Today, I am grateful for:

• my computer (and, ultimately, the internet), where I can research interesting things, communicate, and have access to this forum
  
  
• being alive at this time in history, when we have so much technological advances, where so many questions have been answered regarding past history, and so on
  
  
• being a woman and having had the privilege of giving birth to my children, who I love so much
  
  
• despite the pain of my H's betrayal, I am still grateful that I have known love, and marriage. I don't regret the past 21 years.

What are you grateful for today?

Take care everyone, and thanks for posting to my thread.

[Phoenix_spark]

I like the list, a very good approach. It also keeps you focused on the important things. Writing seems to be you source of venting , keep it up. I wish I had more time to sit down and post, however, I'm not sure what to say most of the time.

[Aud31]

Hey BeingMe--your list is fabulous, and your points about living in the present are right on. It's so easy to be distracted by our environment and fears, but the only true power we have is our ability to choose our thoughts and actions today. Sounds so easy!

[BeingMe]

Thanks Aud and Phoenix (and Cat above).

Today, I am thankful for the lovely spring weather we are having. I hope I can get into the garden tomorrow. I have some digging to do, weeding, planting, and some planning for the summer. Have to clean our deck too, and bring out the swing chair. Yay! I love reading on that chair on a sunny day, when there's a little breeze blowing in from the sea.

Yesterday, btw, was my son and daughter's (twins), 20th birthday. I cannot believe so much time has gone by since we brought those two little peas home. They looked like two peas in a pod because we had them in one car carrycot. They were so cute! Now, the one is pregnant and living in one city, and the other is at home, back at school. They hadn't talked in almost a year, but when I phoned D20 to wish her for her birthday, I asked if she would like to talk to her brother, and she did! I was so thrilled, because her BF has caused so much trouble between them, and now I hope they will get close again.

Well, there's another thing to be grateful for!

Take care, y'all!

[kimpossible]

Hi there, you said you had hoped H missed you while you were away, you never know he may of. I wouldn't focus on that though as you said his head is very busy at the moment. I would concentrate on you and on creating your own happiness doing whatever it is you like to do. GAL to the max and he will soon see that you are busy and happy in your own right and you never know he may just want to be a part of that once his work worries calm down.
I hope I haven't spoken out of turn here as I know I could be missing something from your sitch that I haven't read.
I wish you good luck in getting better though......

[BeingMe]

Thanks Kim. You have certainly not spoken out of turn. It's always good to get a fresh viewpoint, and what you said is absolutely true.

I have actually done a lot of work in fixing myself ... a lot was needed, but a ways still to go, I fear. Ha! I continue working on GAL, being a better me, etc. I have my ups and downs, but generally have a PMA, and try and be grateful for something everyday. My H and I have a long way to go, although I think he thinks that everything is okay. I am not obsessive about things anymore (thank goodness, that part in the process is long over), but I think about things, and try and learn from the forum, and books that I read. Sometimes, I just think we need to shake things up a bit, which is what I had hoped would happen with my trip, but you are right ... he has way too much on his mind right now, and I am giving him his space to do what he needs to do.

Thankfully, I am at a place now where I am very happy with myself, and can amuse myself for hours. I also have my S20 and my D14 at home, and we get on so well. They are the cutest, funniest, most entertaining young people, and they keep me going. My D26 also phones me from time to time (she lives in the USA, busy moving from Florida to Illinois, and we live in Western Canada), and it is so lovely to hear from her, and to catch up on the antics of her little family. My D20 lives in the previous city we lived in (where I went on my trip), and I do chat to her sometimes too. She lives a very busy life it seems, which is normal for someone her age, and she is presently expecting a little girl, so she has a lot on her mind.

So! All in all, I had a little disappointment, but I will survive it. Giving my H some space has allowed me to detach again from what he is going through, so I am able to better listen and validate. I hope, anyway.

Take care, y'all, and thanks for posting Kim.