Wife hits me.....need help....

[lovelyolive]

(I had some glasses of Kendall Jackson Chardonnay....) Hey, I like wine!

Yummy! I like wine, too

Sol, seems like you are coming out of this with some good advice and plan of action. The past couple of days you have been sounding much better.

[osu43130]

Ellie,

Just a question for you.

Yes saving a marriage is and always be the first and most favorable goal in everyone sitch.

However, where does one draw the line? You say that one should sacrafice their happiness to save a marriage. Did you really mean that? Just wanted to point out that kids are very perceptive. They know when you are not happy especially in abusive relationships. Now I am not one that believes in D unless it benifits yourself as well as the kids. My sitch is totally different than most if not all on the boards so I am not even talking about what I am doing or going threw.

I guess the real question, is how much does one take. It all comes down to detatching and finding happiness with in yourself not really sacraficeing your happiness for your kids to live in a bad enviornment. It is about making the best out of a bad sitch and trying to provide the love and warmth that the kids need. Of course this is all just my opinion and I am not trying to start anything, I am just trying to understand the statement.

Hopefully ya'll can see what I am trying to get at here. I am having a little bit of a hard time trying to put it down here.

[~Sol]

Hey Ben,

It's much more than abuse going on with my W. It has gotten to the point where she is getting desperate about something and doesn't want me to leave her, but I know it's not because she loves me (I know now she doesn't or isn't in love with me at all). But I know that if I want my kid to live a happier life in a loving environment, then my wife has to go with me to therapy - but you know she won't - not until she feels and sees that I am getting serious about fixing this or leaving.

There should be NO abuse (hitting, yelling, screaming...) in a marriage for the kids to witness. My daughter knows that we are not really happy, and has pointed out herself that "mommy is mean". That tells me something about my W's anger - and she projects it at me - still blames me for her unhappiness and A whenever we fight.

Things are calm (again)......but I am doing something different....NOTHING.

I am keeping myself happy, busy, and thinking about what I need to do.

[MuddleThrough]

Yes saving a marriage is and always be the first and most favorable goal in everyone sitch.

However, where does one draw the line? You say that one should sacrafice their happiness to save a marriage. Did you really mean that? Just wanted to point out that kids are very perceptive. They know when you are not happy especially in abusive relationships

Ben,

I don't think you can sacrifice your happiness for a marriage. I think happiness is something that comes from having a certain perspective on life - not so much a product of your environment or circumstances. Creating this polarized view, a continuum with marriage on one end and happiness on the other (mutually exclusive) is an example of self deceit. It's a justification of a pre-existing desire to leave the marriage. Also, the illusion that happiness is always a step away, with an obstacle such as a bad marriage preventing you from getting there is a very appealing one. The grass is always greener on the other side, but unless you can learn to appreciate the here and now, when you get over there, somewhere else will be more appealing. This is why personal happiness, to me, is not much of a consideration when debating a marriage.

Regarding abuse - Sol, I think your black and white thinking here is not entirely realistic. If you look up abuse (especially verbal abuse) you will find that some of the behavior classified as abuse is VERY common. You are probably guilty of these behaviors at times - I know I am. This black and white thinking is very codependent. There's a lot of grey here, and I think that's what Ellie was getting at when she tried to take the drama out of your W's hitting you. When you start to label people you cease to see the human in them. You objectify them. What kind of example is that to your kids? Both victims and abusers play a role in the abusive dynamic of a relationship. If you don't address your part in it you will likely move on to another abusive relationship in one or the other role. What kind of example is that to the kids?

Yes, it's frustrating, but stop looking at her as the bad guy and look to changing what you do in abusive situations. If your W constantly blames you, look to what you do when she blames you. Do you get defensive? That's an abusive behavior - did you know that? Do you blame her back? Do you ignore her? It's not enough to just satisfy yourself by thinking she came out looking like the bad guy. Her actions don't make you anything by default - they give you the opportunity to respond.

[osu43130]

Sol,
Honestly the best thing to do right now is nothing, as far as your R goes. You need to continue to detatch from your sitch. AND I MEAN COMPLETELY DETATCH. Just let go and let a higher power take it over and lead you in the direction you need to go. Stay focused on you and your kids.

[osu43130]

Muddle,
That is what I was trying to get at. Basically that happiness is a choice and something he has to find outside of the marriage (not with someone else but inside hisself). That he can not blame his unhappiness on his W. You just have a way of wording it a lot better than I do. I am glad you came by to point that out as well as the abuse portion.

However, the physical portion of the abuse (in my opinion) is totally uncalled for. Especially in front of the kids. However, I still believe that the physical abuse he recieves at certain times are just Sol's W's reactions to something he has done to ignight it (not always but in most cases). I strongly believe if Sol takes himself out of the confrontational sitch's then the Physical abuse ends, unless she starts beating herself ofcourse...

Verbal abuse in my opinion does have a grey area. The verbal abuse stems (at least in Sol's sitch) from an on going struggle for Sol to prove to his W how she should be acting instead of how she is currently acting. We as LBS's have this picture of the perfect M and if it deviates from that then we try to fix (especially the men) it instead of just working on ourselves and letting go.

Again just my 2 cents.

[~Sol]

Muddle, I know I have been abusive also. Yes, I have done and said those things you mention. And yes, I get defensive as well.

I guess the bottom line here is that Ben is right, I am not detached - it's something that is hard for me to do. But I know its the only way to come out of this a better person.

I am also going to do nothing. Everything about my sitch is not up to me anymore. But I am learning how to take care of myself without focusing so much on my W.

Ben, sent you an email....

[osu43130]

Sol,

Everything about my sitch is not up to me anymore.

Honestly it never has been up to you. The only thing that is up to you is how you deal with each and every moment of your life. You can chose to be happy or choose to blame your unhappines on someone else.

Your sitch has not going anywhere because you have not changed the dynamics of it. You seem to understand what you need to do but doing it seems to be difficult for you. It takes time.

You have a great resource that you have been talking to and that is not me. I just add my thoughts from what I get out of your posts. However, there are always two sides to every coin.

[~Sol]

Yes, I have an excellent resource. I know that I must either:

1. Choose to be happy for me and deal with the things that only I can change.

2. Convince her to go to counseling, get our M on track (it has never been "on" track...) or simply file and leave this M.

That's pretty much it.

I can do #1. #2 is the tricky part getting her to go or at least talk about our future.....and if nothing changes (nothing has) - then do the hard part and leave.