Yes saving a marriage is and always be the first and most favorable goal in everyone sitch.
However, where does one draw the line? You say that one should sacrafice their happiness to save a marriage. Did you really mean that? Just wanted to point out that kids are very perceptive. They know when you are not happy especially in abusive relationships
Ben,
I don't think you can sacrifice your happiness for a marriage. I think happiness is something that comes from having a certain perspective on life - not so much a product of your environment or circumstances. Creating this polarized view, a continuum with marriage on one end and happiness on the other (mutually exclusive) is an example of self deceit. It's a justification of a pre-existing desire to leave the marriage. Also, the illusion that happiness is always a step away, with an obstacle such as a bad marriage preventing you from getting there is a very appealing one. The grass is always greener on the other side, but unless you can learn to appreciate the here and now, when you get over there, somewhere else will be more appealing. This is why personal happiness, to me, is not much of a consideration when debating a marriage.
Regarding abuse - Sol, I think your black and white thinking here is not entirely realistic. If you look up abuse (especially verbal abuse) you will find that some of the behavior classified as abuse is VERY common. You are probably guilty of these behaviors at times - I know I am. This black and white thinking is very codependent. There's a lot of grey here, and I think that's what Ellie was getting at when she tried to take the drama out of your W's hitting you. When you start to label people you cease to see the human in them. You objectify them. What kind of example is that to your kids? Both victims and abusers play a role in the abusive dynamic of a relationship. If you don't address your part in it you will likely move on to another abusive relationship in one or the other role. What kind of example is that to the kids?
Yes, it's frustrating, but stop looking at her as the bad guy and look to changing what you do in abusive situations. If your W constantly blames you, look to what you do when she blames you. Do you get defensive? That's an abusive behavior - did you know that? Do you blame her back? Do you ignore her? It's not enough to just satisfy yourself by thinking she came out looking like the bad guy. Her actions don't make you anything by default - they give you the opportunity to respond.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
