Afterall..... This IS my life V

[heatherg]

Last night, as I watched the season finale of the Bachelor (quit laughing), and I watched these two people declare their undying love for each other.....I had to admit that what H and I have is not love, at least not any kind of love that I want in my life.

After that was over, I was tired, really tired. I had told H we would discuss the bed thing....at this point all my blankets and stuff are still on his bed. I didn't want to see H, didn't want to talk to him. I'm still not sure what the right thing is, but I decided that the right thing doesn't depend on whether or not I force the issue of sleeping in my bed. At this point, it is his responsibility to choose the right thing. I went into the room and asked if I could speak to him for a minute. He rolled his eyes, paused his movie. It was clear he didn't want to talk. Tears came to my eyes at that point and I said 'I am quite certain that you do not love me....because if you did, you could not do this. Even the way you are looking at me now, as I stand before you....' I picked up my pillow and blanket and, consumed with emotion, I said 'This will be the last gesture I make on behalf of this marriage'. And I slept on the couch.

I didn't have any idea what I was going to do or say when I walked in there, I just did what I felt and I am happy with it because I was both vulnerable as Cobra mentioned being important, but I was also strong in that I made it pretty clear that I am nearing the end of my rope. And I very much am because I am becoming more and more confident each day that there is not much else I can do. Certainly not a whole lot more I am willing to do.

I will wait out my time and maybe I will surprise myself and my optimism will return at some point. But the common niceties that I have allowed to pass for 'trying' on his part are not nearly enough anymore. He told me this morning that he liked my pants! WTF? I was completely irritated that he was even looking at me....you threw me out of our bedroom yet again last night and today you want to imply that my ass looks good?!

For the first time that I remember, I ignored his phone call this morning. The desire to speak to him, or even the curiosity of what he had to say, was not enough to make me pick up the phone. He ended up leaving a voicmail inquiring about this weekend because there is a graduation in Baltimore we had planned to go to and he wanted to tell me that he still wanted to go and hoped I did too.