My heart has been completely torn apart

[Dr LOve]

GO I would give anything if my W wanted this. My W has been so Distant. I don't know your sitch but If you have some anger managment issues try to control them at least for this weekend.
A weekend away forgeting about everything for a littel while just thinking about each other is a dream to me..


H

[I_Surrender]

Thanks kindly for your reply. Unfortunatley each of us is different, as to our situations and tolerance level. This may limit me in what I accept, and what recovery our marriage achieves. I am stubborn, and perhaps unwilling to recognise the little steps that W is making to try and make things better

But I think your response triggered something I have used and applied in work, and also read about in marriage-saving articles;

This is to plan as if you will be successful, instead of waiting for failure.

So I will go ahead with plans for the weekend, and hope that they go well.

I will also continue to investigate the full ramifications of divorce, financially and legally. I still need to have a full rescue plan for myself.

[I_Surrender]

I just wanted to share something, that had a profound impact on my wife.

On Monday 14 May (our anniversary) I had delivered to W's work a dozen red roses and an anniversary card, which I made myself.

The cover I chose two remarkable photos from summer holidays from a number of years back.

Inside I wrote a poem (for lack of a better word - no it did not rhyme) which was more or less a synopsis of memorable times in our marriage, and things which I appreciated about her.
Saying essentially, even though these are tough times no matter what happened, when i thought of her I would always choose to remember the good times.


First W was surprised to get anything at all for our anniversary, since we had a big fight the day before. Fortunately or unfortunately I ordered the flowers the day before that.

we went for a walk that night (she also had counseling that afternoon), she was very surprised to find that all those things had mattered to me.

I told her that despite me being the shy / quiet type, communication was a two way street, and that there was a lot more to discover about me, as well.

However the part of the card that intrigued W the most, and that she asked questions about for about 15 minutes of our walk was the way I ended the card.

I imagine one day in the middle of May (our anniversary) an old man is tossing stones into a glassy lake.
A little girl is watching him. He seems to be having fun.
She walks up to him and asks him, "What are you doing mister?"
He smiles at her and says, "Would you believe me, if I told you, once upon a time I was married to the most beautiful girl in the world?"
The little girl picks up a flat stone from the beach, "Please tell me what she was like..."

[lovelyolive]

.. you just brought tears to my eyes.. Just beautiful

Our anniversary is coming up soon and it is already breaking my heart..

[I_Surrender]

Thanks LO, maybe one day I will post more of the letter.

I am glad that I went away this weekend, considering husband's advice as well as so many of you who are struggling to rebuild your relationships.
The long weekend together was very nice, and although I felt the need to keep my feelings guarded for a lot of the time, W was considerate and supportive, as things went along.
I opened up a little and told her a little of what was bothering me (my feelings, fears) at dinner last night.
I am still in emotionally uncharted territory. (I will look forward to Wednesday, when I can talk with the counsellor) Late last night I got carried away, and we ended up making love. I felt somehow this might have been wrong, I don't know. If it was wrong or right, we did, and maybe it was something that was necessary. I am unsure. Did I let my guard down? Was I caving into sexual feelings, dismissing what happened?
I feel a little better today. Perhaps the talking. I lost it a little after dinner, and ended up crying for a while. W just hugged me and didn't say anything.
I don't yet know where the road will lead, I am very happy that we went together, and told W the same thing.

[Dr LOve]

good work surrender
You are in a good place right now. I so wish I was there. As for the making love? How much closer emotionally can you get. Even with everything that has happened. (My W PA with the OM). If we could get that close just once I would be so happy. Not getting my hopes up but knowing she is letting me back into her world.
Keep up the good work
I hope someday to be writing the same thing

Husband

[I_Surrender]

Thanks so much.
Each of us is different in the values we hold true to ourselves, and has unique situations and expectations.

I do view this a little differently, from my perspective. (Lovemaking) is an intimate physical connection, yes. I view it as postive, make no mistake, but as of yet there isn't confidence on my part that the emotional connection is on the way to where it needs to be.
I don't know if that makes sense.
An example; She has yet to make an appt with her counselor.
There is a lot of work to do on that front. This must happen, in order for our marriage to have hope, otherwise the same thing might/will happen again.

I discussed this with her on the weekend. What happens, if I am in a car accident, incpacitated or just away on a business trip? It is my fear that this would be on her mind. I told her that I had extreme difficulty managing my emotions this time around. I fear that irrational, or angry thoughts would have control of me if it ever happened again (I felt on the verge at times this time.)

I feel a need to protect my emotional-self from ever being in a place where irrational thoughts take over.

Today I have an information session with a lawyer. I am not planning D or anything. I just need to have an understanding of the legality and implications of D.

For me this situation is still very close to the precipice, leaning part way over, hanging on to a thin rope.

[I_Surrender]

Pardon me for venting, but I have read a number of threads where there is a shouldering of responsibility for PA & EA on the spouse that engages in this, as opposed to the OM or OW.

VENT:
I respectfully disagree. Yes there is a responsibility on the spouse who engages in this, but the OM or OW must shoulder their share of the responsibility as well. They may care for the thrill of the PA, but their view of the world around them is a narrow one. It will backfire, eventually.

I know that if I was a single man, I could not bear the thought of causing pain to a child or family by having a PA with a married woman.
I have been in situations where this was possible, I just don't think an honorable person engages in this.
Further to that, I believe those stupid enough to leave their SO for their PA are in 9 times out of 10 doomed to have a relationship which fails simply because it came together as a foundation of mistrust, deceit, and a failure to communicate in the earlier relationship.

If it was not for the fact that doing this would directly distance my W from me, I would have no regrets in taking it up physically with the OM (2 cases.)

That being said, I hope to address my anger issues when I go to counseling. I know that it is a lose-lose scenario.

I know now, that with the situation I am in now, I could get a D, I could look to foster a relationship with someone new as soon as I like. I also might feel justified in doing so right now ie. "I didn't start it", "it's not my fault."

First of all, I am not interested,
second, I would consider my position and what I would be able to offer any person which I had a potential R with, as emotionally unstable and limited.
third, I would above all consider the potential affect on my family

I am not perfect, I know. I also know I can look in the mirror and see the person, I want to see.

[Dr LOve]

no pardon needed here. Yes it is 90% our S that went looking for PA but. The OM or OW could have should have said NO. I too have been is a sicth when I was single with a ex GF. She wanted to start something and I told her sure when her divorce is FINAL.

So much hurt could have been prevented with one little word NO.

H

[I_Surrender]

Well went to the lawyer yesterday. It's a real shame that should D become a reality, the loss to our family financially is so much. I also dislike the fact that I might be forced to give her financial support (she has a good paying job, mine is higher) despite my viewpoint that her PA has drawn us to this point.

Anyway I need time to digest the reality and requirements of the law.

W and I had a good talk last night. We need to continue talking.

I have a individual counseling appt after work today with a new counselor. I hope that this will help. I need to take the time to discuss my own wants and needs. I don't want to go forward unless we are each able to address all of the difficulties in our marriage. I feel if we don't make a committment to take these steps we are still doomed.
I feel W has some MLC issues to sort through. I hope with my heart that she is able to. It is a lot of work, I am so fearful that she will not be able to complete couselling, as happened in the previous two sessions.

Anyway tonight my goal is to find out if the counselor is any good. If she is, I hope to begin to get emotionally centered. I hope to also reaffirm the needs I have within the marriage, so that I can be firm on them, and not sweep them to the side, hoping things will work.

This is an opportunity to fix the relationship, but it needs to be repaired completely not patched. Bandages are not going to work at this point.